He was 27, and he always struck me as normal looking – skinny, average height – quietly capable if timid. He had some creative interests during high school and college, but those kind of collapsed post-COVID from the looks of it. He had gone to therapy a handful of times, but he was never diagnosed with any sort of mental illness, and for almost all of his life up until 2 years ago he seemed fairly sharp and adaptable. Definitely normal.
But he literally never socialized, even in childhood, and was more prone to hanging out with girls when he had to. I think men always intimidated him. He always seemed to count himself out, take things extremely hard. Towards the end of his life, he was pretty much mute in public and wouldn’t really speak unless spoken to, and when he did, in a very nervous, minimal way. His every word began to take on a kind of vaguely sad and wistful tone, he just would never have lighthearted conversation with anyone. He grew up not having the best relationship with my dad, and when our mom passed in 2016 I think he took it particularly hard. That also put real financial constraints on our family and by extension him. He was under pressure to get two jobs and one of those started to overwhelm him with dread every day and he would increasingly text me about how he doesn’t think he’s capable of anything.
He passed away last month and left a note about how miserable life was for him and how he felt intensely alienated from people for much of his life – as long as he could remember. He wrote about how he “doesn’t see what others get out of it”. He wrote about this feeling of inhabiting a personality or being that he hates and often feels disgusted by. I feel slightly guilty because I really do feel that people seemed to put less effort and interest into him than I occasionally observed him putting into others, at least earlier in his life. I suppose his feelings of good will for others ran dry a while ago and he just felt maybe he didn’t have people in his life that he cared about, or who cared about him – nobody to live for. I hope not. I hope he didn’t feel rejected.
My question is; how do you go about memorializing someone who left literally no evidence of enjoyment? We don’t have much in the way of photos, friends to talk to, significant others because he had none (as far as we’re aware), of achievements/milestones to celebrate… I just have this feeling I didn’t know him at all. Its just filled me with a deep nihilism about life, idk.
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A life is more than achievements and milestones. Those are simple placeholders than much else. It’s the memories you share which you focus on, and compound them down to something which holds sentimental value to you.
When my old man passed away; I’ve got one photo of him and it’s image I can’t relate with him due to how young he is in it but there is an angle grinder. Old thing, dangerous as hell to use and still works. Used this often, and that became the item I use for remembering him.
Cleaned it up, made a stand and I display it alongside the box containing his ashes. The point is; everyone has a certain ‘thing’. This can anything from favourite colour, animal, or hell, favourite packet of crisps. You choose what stands out most to yourself and your experiences together.
By speaking the truth. We live in a highly avoidant/narcissist society. Be open about the grief and pain the majority of us avoid. Honesty with yourself opens dialogue with the self. Don’t let his death be in vain just so everyone can avoid the discomfort of growth.
Condolences op
Honestly man, just tell it like it is. He did the best that he could for as long as he could stand it. Whatever positive memories you have just try to speak on those. I’m sorry for your troubles though.
Going by what you wrote, it seems like there may have been some undiagnosed (?) mental health issues.
I think it might be best to mourn or memorialize your brother on a personal level. Maybe that’s something fun that you did together when you were kids. Maybe a plaque reminding you of that time and placing it in a meaningful location would be helpful to you. Everyone has their own way of dealing with grief and loss and there’s no right/wrong way to go about it. Nor is there any time limit, Just be kind to yourself. Forgive yourself for anything unkind that you might have said. I get the impression from what you wrote that he’d want you to be happy and enjoy what he could not.
Either way, I’m sorry for your loss and I hope that he found peace.
May God bless him.
Help others always.
I would say go off of what you do know, talk about how sharp and adaptable he was and how his creative interest in high school and college displays how unique he was. His uniqueness and individuality intimidated others to the point of loneliness. He was so thoughtful and caring, it caused him to extend himself more to others than he could handle himself.
One of my favorite quotes that I always fall back on when I remember a complicated person who I loved is from Hamlet.
“I saw my father once. He was a goodly king.”
“He was a man. Take him for all and all. I shall look upon his kind again.”
Hope this helps. Keeping you in my thoughts.
Depression really is something. I thought it was something easily gotten over until I got it. Poor guy, it sounds like it just got too much.
Brother John passed away February 2026, joins his mother in heaven. Brother John experienced severe pain and longed for connection with others and is now no longer in pain again in his mother’s arms looking down on me, helping me, and guiding me, I wish I would have had more time with brother John.I will see him when my work on earth is done with my mother in heaven… May he rest in peace
I love you brother. It’ll be ok. What you’re feeling is ok. Lean into the pain and you will come to terms with it faster.
Ngl reading this is really jarring, I feel exactly the same as your brother did.
Many people don’t achieve anything in life that society deems remarkable. They’re still worthy. Just remember your brother as he was and honor his memory. I’m sorry for your loss.
Some people are very deep & sensitive souls
I don’t know if this would work in this situation, but stories and details always help me remember people from the past.
In Jewish tradition, it is a mitzvah – a duty – to speak well of the dead. This is a tradition everyone can benefit from. Rabbi Zusha of Anipoli said:
*I learned seven things from the thief:*
* *Disrection: What he does, he keeps to himself.*
* *Courage: He is willing to take risks to attain his goal.*
* *Detail-oriented: He does not distinguish between ‘major’ and ‘minor’ things, but takes equally exacting care of each and every detail.*
* *Diligence: He invests great effort in what he does.*
* *Speed: He is swift*
* *Optimism: He is always optimistic.*
* *Persistence: If at first he fails, he is back time and again for another try.*
If we may find good things to say about even a thief, I think we can find some good things to say about just about anyone we’ve lost. Let’s think about this. Most people don’t achieve much in their lives. But we can speak of who they were, their character.
>He was 27, and he always struck me as normal looking – skinny, average height – quietly capable if timid.
“My brother was someone who was too humble to realise his capabilities.”
>He had some creative interests during high school and college, but those kind of collapsed post-COVID from the looks of it.
“He was a creative person.”
>He had gone to therapy a handful of times, but he was never diagnosed with any sort of mental illness, and for almost all of his life up until 2 years ago he seemed fairly sharp and adaptable. Definitely normal
“When he had personal problems, he did his best to deal with them.”
>But he literally never socialized, even in childhood, and was more prone to hanging out with girls when he had to. I think men always intimidated him.
“His was the type of soul that is more aligned to the feminine than masculine, and he had good women friends.”
>He always seemed to count himself out, take things extremely hard. Towards the end of his life, he was pretty much mute in public and wouldn’t really speak unless spoken to, and when he did, in a very nervous, minimal way.
“He was a sensitive person who did not wish to impose his problems on others.”
>He grew up not having the best relationship with my dad, and when our mom passed in 2016 I think he took it particularly hard.
“He was close to his mother.”
>That also put real financial constraints on our family and by extension him. He was under pressure to get two jobs and one of those started to overwhelm him with dread every day and he would increasingly text me about how he doesn’t think he’s capable of anything.
“He was so dedicated to family that he took on a second job, despite it imposing a great personal cost on him.”
And so on. If he was a good person, which it sounds like he was, remember that. And if they weren’t a good person, remember the good things about them.
Maybe the best way to honor his memory is to look around at the other people in your life and see if anybody else seems closed off or like they need some help, then to try talking to them. We should probably all do this.
Not sure how to answer your question but just wanted to let you know I’m sorry for your loss.
I know some people with depression. Who they are during depressive episodes isn’t their real personality, it’s who they are when they are suffering greatly.
My girlfriend is smart and very funny. When she’s depressed she’s quite different. It wouldn’t be fair to her if I made it seem like her personality is sad and suicidal. I think I’m a nice guy who’s generally fun to be around but I would probably be less fun if I was in an exceptional amount of pain but that wouldn’t be the real me.
You probably have some good memories of your brother, that was your real brother. They may be old memories, likely from before your mom died, but they are still a more accurate representation of him than how he acted just before his death.
Honor who he really was, not who he was while he was suffering.
My sister committed suicide 9 months ago. Very “challenging” to go through. Very painful to think about her life and how she ended it. I am sorry for your loss.
Thank you all for being here.
I’ve spent a long time trying to figure out how to stand up here and talk about him, because the usual way we remember people doesn’t quite fit.
He wasn’t someone who filled rooms or drew attention to himself. He didn’t have a big circle of friends or a long list of milestones we can easily point to. He lived quietly—so quietly that, if I’m being honest, there are parts of his life I don’t feel like I ever fully understood.
And that’s been one of the hardest parts of losing him.
But just because his life was quiet doesn’t mean it didn’t matter.
He was someone who felt things deeply. You could see it in the way he carried himself, and especially in the way he spoke. He didn’t say much, but when he did, it always felt like it came from somewhere real. There was a softness to him… and, in later years, a sadness too.
He found life harder than most people seem to. He struggled with connection, with confidence, with feeling like he belonged. And while that’s difficult to talk about, it’s part of his truth—and I don’t think it does him any honour to pretend otherwise.
He was doing his best with something that, for him, was incredibly heavy.
And I want to say this clearly: even if he didn’t always feel it, he mattered.
He mattered to me.
Some of what I’m left with now are the things I wish I had done differently. I wish I had understood him better. I wish I had found a way to reach him more, to let him know—clearly—that he wasn’t alone.
But I also know that he carried things that weren’t easy to see, and even harder to reach. And I think anyone who has loved someone knows that sometimes, despite caring deeply, you don’t always get all the way through.
What I do hold onto is that he was part of my life. Not in a loud or obvious way, but in a quiet, constant one.
And that has weight. That has meaning.
Maybe the most honest way to remember him is not by trying to reshape his life into something easier to talk about—but by acknowledging it as it was. Quiet. Complicated. At times, heavy. But still real, and still worthy of being remembered.
If there’s anything I take from him, it’s this: to pay closer attention. To not assume someone is okay just because they’re quiet. To reach out, even when it feels awkward. And to say things while there’s still time to say them.
I wish his life had been easier. I wish he had found more peace while he was here.
But I hope—wherever he is now—that he’s finally free from the weight he carried for so long.
He was here. He was part of my life.
And he mattered.
Thank you.
What’s one good memory you have together?
I suppose that given his life route, being internally violent is better than being externally violent. Lots of people with those same life choices blame everyone else and take it out on everyone else.
Sadly we can’t make people who need help seek it.
Just focus on your and your families happy memories with him.
I sometimes wonder the same. My entire ‘life’ is digital. I sometimes wonder, if something was to happen to me, if my family will even be able to access my computer at all, since they don’t know the password. If they did, would they even know where to look? I have a rich inner life, my creative work, my writing, and almost all of it would be lost.
To your point, if you have access to his computer, maybe there’s something on there that you could use to memorialize him.
I understand your brother. Very much.
I think my own siblings will feel much the same way if they have to bury me, whether it’s simply cuz I’m the oldest or because I lose the never ending internal argument one night.
I wish I had something useful to say to you, but I don’t and I’m sorry for that. However, I read this post and find myself thinking maybe I should manufacture some things so I don’t leave them in the same place you are right now.
My condolences, cousin.
OP, do you think he may have been on the Autistic spectrum? Of so, he was likely bullied and victimised by the boys and hung out with the girls because it was safer. It may also explain why he had a hard time and was clearly depressed.
The tone of the post also sounds like it’s blaming him for his problems, maybe you should consider that he was let down?