This is the place to put shower thoughts, your vents/rants about dating, requests for quick advice, serious (and sometimes not) questions and anything else that might not warrant a post of its own.
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Met a girl for drinks. Drinks turned into dinner. Conversation flowed great. Said she wanted to see me again. A day later — “I think it’s a friends vibe”
Fml
I’m going to a dating/singles event next week. I’m trying to feel a little optimistic about it. I did date someone for around 2 months last year that I met at a similar event.
For those of you who were stuck in a similar toxic shame loop as me, try to remind yourself that working on yourself isn’t the whole thing.
Yes, there are areas for growth, but inherently nothing is wrong with who you are as a person. You may not line up with a person you like, but that doesn’t mean anything is **wrong** with you. It just means that person isn’t your person. No amount of convincing, changing, or adjusting yourself is going to make that true.
When you do find a person who aligns with you, it won’t be like you’re getting a “chance.” It’ll just feel a bit more natural. You’ll figure out that all the work you did do about recognizing your feelings (attachment issues or whatever else you’ve been working on), how you communicate, how present you are, or even designing dates has all become second nature.
It’s easy. Noticing your feelings and even having conversations with that person about them to help each other work through your hang ups. Checking in with one another to make sure you’re both where you want to be in the relationship and the relationship is where think it should be.
There will be hiccups, but as long as you’re kind to one another and honest about yourself and your actions, things, at least for us, have been going smoothly.
There wasn’t anything wrong with who I was, just the relationship I was in. I worked on some skills stuff and I can see that with the right person, this is so evident.
Been in such a good headspace lately.
Meeting the right person not only feels possible now but an inevitability.
Just felt like sharing 🙂
This bartender I really like asked me about some plans I had and invited herself to them. I was really surprised. Even if nothing comes out of it, I think she’s great and am looking forward to chatting with her when she’s not on the clock. There’s always the chance she won’t make it anyways, but I can’t help feeling optimistic. The kind of woman you want to be a better person for.
How do we feel about people who like to use AI a lot in their day to day life. I’m not sure if this is a red flag or a beige flag. He likes to use AI for silly things like making up weird scenarios and having Chat GPT draw them out. I have suspected use of it sometimes when texting but we text sparsely so I’m not too hung up about it. I’m not opposed to AI for things like help planing a trip or drumming up an important email or two, but I absolutely do not like it in an artistic approach. He finds them absolutely hilarious while I just find it more interesting or amusing on the prompts he uses for the images. Idk if it’s difference of age either I’m early 30s while he is late 30s. His enjoyment of Chat GPT. Would def side eye quite a few or my friends who are art graduates.
Short backstory
Matched with someone back in late Dec. Organized a date for january. They cancelled and asked to rescheduled at a later date in early Feb. We did. Day comes around, they cancel again. I just say to them “ok let me know if you want to reschedule”
Now, I’m sure this looks like it’s as good as dead. I’ve read on here of other people messaging dead conversations since there’s not much to lose. Should I just leave this conversation alone? It’s been about 7 weeks
My girlfriend has been out of the country for a couple weeks and shared that she misses me, and that half the people where she is staying know it, because she talks about me all the time. That made me feel all warm inside. 🥰 It feels really good to be in love and moving towards a future together.
I think the woman I’m talking to is getting too attached and we haven’t even had the first date and it’s turning me off and I feel really bad about it. I asked for the date before it started going this direction but she asked me if it was a problem she’s in school and only working part time at 28 and I sent a short paragraph about reassuring her it’s OK and that we all take our own path through life and I was a late college graduate as well and I think she latched on to that too hard. She was also seeking reassurance on her being bipolar(wasn’t on her profile) and how she’s been stable for a long time and on medication but my ex wife having been bipolar, it’s something that I generally don’t know if I can deal with again. I didn’t want to provide false reassurances or be rude so I just responded neutrally about it but I think she may have taken it more more positively.
I don’t have an issue with intense connections when the feeling is mutual, but this is one sided and I’m becoming uncomfortable.
I’m not sure how to handle this honestly. I’ve stopped responding as fast and as often and I think she might finally be picking up on that but I honestly don’t want to go on the date anymore. I’m audhd and it’s common to have issues with people pleasing and feeling responsible for their reaction when you say no. I can tell she’s a sensitive person and I know she would be hurt if I canceled, and I don’t even know what I would say if I did. Do I just suck it up and go on an uncomfortable date I don’t want to and then politely move on or do I cancel?
If there were a spell or potion to skip straight to the 2nd or 3rd date with someone new, I would pay big bucks for it.
I feel like I am stuck in a weird space. I am currently not seeking a relationship nor do I want a FWB but I really would like someone to go to dinners/bars/brunch with. I really enjoy the company of a good, intelligent man but how do I get this when I feel like it’s either dating for a relationship (mostly marriage) or you’re immediately put in the casual fun box?
I just want some masculine company every now and then with no expectations of what it might lead to!
Does this even exist?
Had a weird one today. I was talking to someone I met on the apps and it was going well but when I asked her if she wanted to get together she mentioned that she has her kids this weekend. I’m fine with kids because I have two myself but it was very odd to me that she didn’t mention she had kids anywhere on her profile. Is this as big of a red flag as I think it is or am I overthinking it?
Edit: Replies coming are confirming that I was indeed overthinking it. Thanks for the input.
Do you ever think to yourself: “Am I actually interested in this person, or are they just paying attention to me?”
I’ve had a 24 hours that’s realllly tested my anxiety and reframing past experiences.
Someone who dumped me out of the clear blue texted me yesterday afternoon. When she dumped me I told her I couldn’t see her (she had some stuff of mine) and she set them out for me to pick up. That was a month and a half ago, and it’s been radio silence. Yesterday, she texted me to tell she was going to a workout at a specific time (we go to the same gym) in case I was wanting to avoid her. All those feelings of anger, sadness, etc just came immediately flooding back. I deleted the message yesterday, but am going to send *one* follow up today to let her know I appreciate that but I need to go no contact, though I’m fine if we run into each other at the gym out in general. I need to set that expectation.
I also had a 4th date last night with a really incredible woman that was so nice – had dinner at her place, made out, and she taught me her favorite board game. She’s really great at telling me her boundaries so stopped at making out and I so appreciated her telling me that was the line for the evening.
We weren’t able to set the next time we’ll see each other, since she’s had a busy week and needed to settle into the weekend and look at calendar.
So here’s the thing – because of that first person, who made me feel like things would end at any minute (annnnd they did) I’m sitting here this morning really goddamn sad because I’m convincing myself it’s over with this new person. There’s zero proof of that outside my neurosis and past wounds, but it’s hard to even focus on work.
I’m really working on slow burns and I hope so much this keeps going, but I’m so upside down today and it hurts.
Indoor mall, outdoor mall, funeral, used book store, outdoor mall, art walk, coffee shop, random friend’s going away party, target
— the list of places I’ve unexpectedly run into my first heartbreak/later ex situationship over the past 12ish years smh I need to move
Man, online dating is just like taco bell. Every profile I see now seems like the same 5 ingredients arranged in a slightly different way. I guess its “different” and “still food” but bleh. Also, when you’re in a good headspace, taco bell can take the night to the next level. But when you’re in the dumps, its easily one of the most depressing meals out there. Literal shower thought.
Update: Sunday we met for coffee, had a nice two hour conversation. Last night, we went to dinner last night and ended up talking for three hours.
I’ll be honest, I’ve never had this happen to me before. I’ve always either been too shy/nervous to date, or I just couldn’t find someone who was interested. I’ve been single my whole life except for a month in high school. I really enjoy spending time with this person. I’m just afraid because this is all new to me. I don’t want to mess up because of my inexperience, or assume that there’s some sort of interest when maybe she’s just being friendly. I know it’s early, and that all I can do is keep being myself and spending time with her.
I’m so nervous hahaha.
Early on in dating, how do people approach “dating one person at a time”? After a first date do I just refrain from talking to anyone else, meanwhile the other person is most likely still talking/dating other people? It seems like I would be overstepping a boundary to commit to dating one person after a first or second date
I had an unusually good date a few nights ago. It was one of those situations where you meet someone and instantly feel like you’ve known them for years. We were both open about not having the capacity for a relationship right now, the communication overall was spectacular, and he was genuinely so much fun to be around. I felt both very at ease and very charged in the best way with him, and afterwards.
The thing is that he’s going be on the other side of the country dealing with a family illness for the next three months or so, and I actually don’t think it makes sense for us to be in touch much during that time. I’ve been dating for over three years (most of that was with the intention of finding a relationship) so I’ve got quite a few battle scars and am protective of myself. Even though we talked about spending more time together when he’s back, I still feel like I can’t/don’t want to stare into the void of uncertainty with that connection for three months. So I’m sitting here trying to figure out if I can essentially pretend like that didn’t happen so I can carry on with my life while also retaining the beauty of the one evening we had together. It’s so cheesy but meeting him really did feel like a gift.
I (31f—dating women and non-binary people) am wondering if I’m being too open about my dating age range (half plus seven rule) to the point where I’m actually wasting my time and should have a narrower focus. I don’t think most people my age would date a 22.5/23 year old or a 48/49 year old. I live in a big city and am also noticing social events are super specific to ages (23 and under, 22-32, 20s and 30s, 25-45, 35+, 50+) and I think it’d be weird to have a partner I couldn’t bring to social events my peers are going to. That said, I’d much prefer to have a partner that I can’t bring to social events/couldn’t bring me to social events than be single. Are these social events unnecessarily restrictive, or am I too permissive? I guess what I’m wondering is how do I decide what dating age range is right for me? I’ve dated both younger (22+) and older (39+) (up to a 10-11 year age gap) at different points in my adult life and have no issue with it. I do want to feel proud of my partner if I want to bring them to a work/family event that we’re within a reasonable age gap as I think the queer part will be hard enough/is a difference for my family/co-workers. As I’m writing this I realize I sound insecure, I’m just trying to focus my energies and be realistic in the pursuit of a lasting monogamous long-term relationship and could use some guidance re: age ranges. It seems like my peers are confident in their dating age ranges and I feel like I might be oblivious to something that seems so obvious to my peers. Thank you for reading all of this and for your perspectives.
I keep having interesting experiences at work with strangers.
I had to hand this guy some stuff and he stopped to tell me I have beautiful hands and could be holding products in an ad somewhere lol he did preface with he hopes it’s not strange. And honestly his compliment made my day. It’s not the first time someone has complimented my hands but it always feels great because i actually got teased a lot growing up for having such “long thin” hands. I’m glad I can appreciate them now.
Vent: I recently had a dream about a really old flame of mine. I wouldn’t have thought about him otherwise, but now he’s on my mind. I did look him up and he’s currently in a different state with no way to contact him. Either life or my mind is pretty cruel to me lol
How much texting should there be between dates? I know it differs from person to person, but the person I had a first date with doesn’t seem to want to text too often, and its a few weeks before we can meet again, so want to keep the connection going. Also I’m not sure what to text about a lot of the time, rather just talk about most things in person.
Keep going between activating and deactivating my dating profiles…
First date is tonight with friend-turned-crush. We’re going to cook dinner together. I’m actually really looking forward to finding out what the dynamic will be like. We’ve hung out plenty of times as friends, but all of our previous interactions have been a very mixed dance between flirting and friend-zoning each other because we both thought the other person wasn’t interested. I’m excited to see how things go now that our cards are all on the table
Heading into the weekend, I wanted to get a quick poll from my fellow DOT members: how do you feel about bringing flowers on a third date?
Too soon? A bit cheesy? Perfectly okay?
I’ve got a third date coming up Monday evening and was thinking about picking some up beforehand. It’s been a while though. Curious to hear your thoughts!
**First date conversational awkwardness.**
On average, do yall tend to feel like it’s coming from yourself or the other person? I always catch myself wondering if I’m being too chatty and when there are lulls or the conversation drops for a bit I get a tiny bit of anxiety and tend to wonder if it’s my fault.
Last night I had a date with a really nice girl and it was going well but I always feel so drained after a first date like I just went on a conversational rollercoaster and find myself replaying it and wondering if I was being too much. I get there’s a lot to cover on a first date, which is what I don’t like about them, they can make it hard to slip into that more relaxed zone that I shine in.
Matched with a guy (not a common thing for me but i am pan so it can happen ocasionally.) that liked me on a app. Cause he was a little cute.
He was more uninteresting than people who only reply with one word responses.
very surface level chating, making sexualized jokes at something in my bio that fell flat, literally no opinions or knowing what he wants. “just going with the flow” to a random ” want to trade spicy pics?” Message.
Its good to get a reminder every so often that at least im not
That terrible at the apps.
[Just sharing a song really resonating with me as I get back into dating and heal myself](https://youtu.be/m-aXMU3Et90?si=16gUpSzJlwI2hQTX)
**”I don’t wanna lose myself again, I quite like the person that I am”**
Maybe people will enjoy this friend group story.
I have a friend (let’s call him Max) who has a friend (Claude). Claude is the life of the party, social butterfly, invite everyone out kind of person. One night Claude is telling Max about how he *has to* come out to this club tonight because it’s going to be this huge party, everyone’s going to be there, etc.
So Max reluctantly shows up looking for Claude and the group. Turns out, no one showed up, *even Claude ditched* haha. Max is getting ready to leave when he sees as a woman (Amy) looking around for her group. ‘Are you looking for Claude?’ ‘Yep’ ‘yeah he’s not coming, and neither is anyone else’.
They have a laugh, talk about how awkward this is, and agree to have one drink as the only two who showed before heading home. Well, one drink turned to three and they get on. He invites her back to his place, they agree on some one-off fun and nature takes its course.
Morning comes and he suggests they get breakfast. After breakfast he’s like ‘I don’t have any plans for the day…’ and they go back to his for more. She ends up staying the whole weekend. They agree neither of them are in a place for a relationship, life is crazy rn, blah blah blah but hmu for casual etc.
This goes on for a few months of hooking up and hanging out before one of them is like ‘seems like we enjoy spending time together and having sex, maybe we should just try being in a relationship idk’.
They’re married now – and of course Claude takes credit for introducing them.
Anyone with experience vegan dating? I’m debating whether or not to put that i’m vegan into my profile. Is it that big of a turn off to non-vegans/veg curious people? Even in a big city like Montreal I’m aware it’s going to kill my matches.
For context I’m open to dating anyone but haven’t eaten any meat since I was a teenager and not willing to compromise that. I don’t really mind what someone else does but obviously it can create friction in the connection and meal planning (esp early on).
Feel like I should talk to someone. The therapist I was seeing end in Dec/Jan, but didn’t feel it was the best fit at the time. He did make some good points though. But between turning 32, some family troubles, and other personal stuff, there are mixed emotions running around my head.
I’m seeing a woman who has very little experience with serious relationships. She’s only had short-term situations and says she never really developed feelings for the men she dated. She also seems overwhelmed by physical affection early on. For example, she told me she ended things with the last guy she saw because he asked to hold her hand.
Because of that, I’ve been moving very slowly, and that seems to have helped. I’m demisexual myself, so I’m in no rush at all. She has told me she likes me, and she has also said things like she’s irrationally afraid that I’m going to suddenly send her a breakup text, which makes me think she’s afraid of losing me.
At this point, though, I feel stuck. I want to take some initiative and move the relationship forward, even in small ways, like sitting closer while we watch a movie, holding hands, or cuddling. But based on what she has told me, I’m worried about overwhelming her or making her uncomfortable.
How should I approach this? Is the best move to keep going slowly and wait for her to initiate? Normally I would just bring it up directly in conversation, but that didn’t work well for the previous guys. I’m not used to being with people that move this slowly, although I genuinely appreciate it and prefer it this way. I just don’t know where to go from here. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Buckle up
I (35) matched with a girl (31) on Hinge, after a couple weeks finally start talking. Talk every day intermittently, even though it turns out she was on a family trip to Ireland. Chat there for a week, move to Instagram DMs, then she asks me when we’re hanging out as soon as she lands back here. Exchange numbers and move to texting. The idea of hanging out on this past Sunday comes up, and she’s into it. I ask if she wants to hang out for sure, and she actually calls me while I’m napping. A phone call, in 2026! Turns out she took too many mushrooms at a public memorial, and couldn’t go back outside. So we met up for the first time at her place, chilled and chatted, and watched Creature Commandos before I went on with my regularly scheduled plans.
Since then the vibes have been different, and the communication less consistent. Partly I’ve been trying to pull back a little just to let her readjust to regular life after two weeks abroad, but I don’t know.
Am I overreacting in thinking she might have already started writing this off as a thing thing?
A girl I know (27F) is a dating a guy (?M) that she met speed dating. The guy in question was only interested in super casual and my friend (27F) broke it off after a few dates. He got back together with her after telling her he was “interested in a LT relationship with the right person” and she took that hook, line, and sinker. GUH.
Girl is about to get played hard. I don’t feel bad.