I (25F) have been with my boyfriend (24M) for more than 3 years, and over time I feel like our relationship has slowly turned into something very different from how it started.
At the beginning, we were very close, especially physically. We were always affectionate, always touching, and very intimate. I had been single for a couple of years before him, so I really craved that closeness. I was also his first intimate partner, so everything was new for him. Even though sex itself was not always easy or fully enjoyable for us, which is a separate issue, we still had a strong physical connection and wanted each other a lot.
Things started to shift when I was about to graduate. I was very stressed about finding a job and staying in the same city. I get overwhelmed easily, and when I am stressed, I struggle to express what I am feeling. During that time, we started arguing more often, sometimes without a clear reason, but mostly because I could not communicate properly.
After that, I went through a harder period. I found a place to live, but I had a very bad job experience, quit, and was unemployed for several months. That period affected me a lot mentally. I was constantly anxious and overwhelmed, and during that time I completely lost interest in sex.
At the same time, some physical factors started affecting how I acted towards him. My boyfriend smokes and only brushes his teeth once a day, before sleeping, so during the day his breath often smells. I tried to hint at it multiple times, but it did not change, and it made me avoid kissing him.
Even so, he continued to initiate sex frequently. I understand that for him it was a way to feel close, but for me, when I was already overwhelmed and overstimulated, it felt like pressure. Instead of bringing us closer, it made me withdraw even more.
Around that same time, he gained some weight and would often ask if I was no longer attracted to him. That made me feel really bad, because it was not true. I loved him then and I still do. But it also made me feel like I somehow owed him intimacy, like I had to respond in a certain way just to reassure him.
Despite all of this, he was still kind, affectionate, and supportive in many ways. He would compliment me and make me feel loved, and from the outside we seemed like a very good couple.
At some point during the relationship, even before things got this bad, he started saying that he is the one holding the relationship together and that I am not putting in any effort. This confused and hurt me, because I felt like I was trying in my own ways, even if I was struggling. I try to show my love in many ways. I plan birthdays, dates, and activities, make handmade gifts, constantly express how much I love and appreciate him, listen to his problems, and ask questions to understand and help him. In comparison, he does not show much interest in my problems, does not ask many questions, and when I still feel down, he often gives up and says he cannot make me feel better, as if there is nothing he can do. Over time, this made me feel like my effort is invisible to him.
Over the last year, he moved to his own apartment with a friend, and we started seeing each other less since his place is farther away from mine. He has also been under a lot of pressure because of his thesis. He has limited time to finish it and says he struggles with motivation. He is also working at the university at the same time, so he feels stuck between responsibilities. Because of this, he spends a lot of time playing video games with his friends to relax and disconnect.
I do not have a problem with him playing, but it started happening much more frequently than the time we spend together. When I bring this up and ask if he can make some time for me as well, he becomes defensive. He says playing helps him cope with stress and that I am being selfish for bringing it up. From my perspective, I am not asking him to stop, I just want to feel like I am also a priority. The problem is that when I ask to spend time together, he often says he needs to study, so I end up feeling pushed aside.
At the same time, I have also been under pressure. My rent is increasing and my current job will not be enough, so I may have to find a new job. Otherwise, I may have to move back to my parents’ house in a different city, which is a last resort for me. Because of everything happening on both sides, we have both become more tense, and our patience for each other has decreased.
One of the biggest changes for me is how he handles conflict now. Earlier in the relationship, he was the one who would try to fix things, talk things through, and reconnect. Now, when there is a problem, he withdraws. He does not ask how I am doing, does not check on me, and when I try to talk, he either shuts down or responds in a cold and distant way.
There was also an incident that affected me deeply. During intimacy, he squeezed my chest too hard and it hurt. I told him to stop, but he did it again. In that moment, I felt like my boundaries were not respected, and it made me very upset and angry. Shortly after, he got sick and I went with him to the hospital, but he did not ask me if I was okay or if I was still hurting. After that, he did not contact me for two days, and I had to ask him multiple times just for him to acknowledge what happened.
After that, similar patterns kept happening. We would argue, and instead of resolving things, he would go silent, withdraw, or respond with very short and cold messages. Over time, this made me feel more and more alone in the relationship.
Eventually, I felt exhausted and told him that this was not working and that maybe we should take some time apart, at least until I figure out my housing and job situation and he finishes his thesis, which was only one or two months away. He agreed.
But almost immediately after, I missed him a lot and reached out again, telling him I felt awful. He was still very cold and said we should talk in person.
When we met, he read a message he had prepared. He said we keep having the same problems, that he is very depressed, and that he does not see a future for us. He also said he does not really see a future for himself beyond certain achievements like finishing his thesis. Before this, he was usually hesitant about the future, but sometimes he would talk about living together and even seem excited about it.
I cried for a long time and asked him if this was his final decision. He said that ending things would be better for both of us.
Later, I called him and told him that we are both under a lot of pressure and that no relationship is perfect, and that what matters is supporting each other and working through things. He agreed, and we decided to try again.
This was a couple of weeks ago, but now we are slowly going back to the same pattern. He is cold again, distant, and sometimes passive aggressive.
At this point, I feel emotionally alone. I still love him, but it feels like I am the only one trying to keep the connection alive.
I also know that I am not perfect. I struggle with communication, especially when I am stressed, and I know that has affected the relationship too. I also think that earlier in the relationship he was often the one trying to bring us back together after arguments, so it feels fair that I try now as well.
But I cannot tell if this is just a difficult phase caused by everything we are both going through, or if our relationship has changed in a way that cannot be fixed anymore.
I really do not know what to do. Has anyone been through something similar?