What bothers me isn’t that she has a past, but that I know details about it. I was around her and her ex for years since we shared a group of friends. A lot of times you don’t even see pictures of your partner’s exes, let alone meet them in person, which kind of sucks. And she’s much more experienced than I am. She’s less rushed, less caught up in that “teenage passion” of discovering things for the first time, while I still have that. I know she had that phase with her ex. It makes it feel like she has less desire now, like it’s less special for her than it is for me. Whenever I ask about some experience, she’s already had it, with him.
Me: “I don’t get the whole roleplay thing.”
Her: “Oh, it’s really good.”
It’s healthy to talk about past relationships and experiences, but there are specific, unnecessary details that you just don’t need to share with your partner. You don’t want to hear things like “the first time, it almost didn’t fit in my mouth.” But it’s normal to share that kind of stuff with friends, and I ended up hearing those details back when I was friends with both of them.
How would you feel about this guys? The simple answer would be 'if something bothers you, just walk away,' but I think this issue of retroactive jealousy deserves a deeper discussion.
8 comments
You just have to deal with it if you really think she is the only woman, out of 5 billion on the planet, you can be in love with.
If this bothers you so much, and it sounds like it does, you can just find someone else on the same page as you with regards to the topic at hand. I know easier said than done but this ain’t changing. This isn’t a fix it thingy.
Gotta get the experience somehow man, it sucks but you’ll either get over it or move and use the experience to better yourself. From personal experience it’s really hard to get the imagery of your girlfriend with someone you knew well at one point out of your head, whether it was recently or years ago.
Any mate that can be poached wasn’t happy anyway so their former partner should be glad they’re gone. But. you’re just making a great case here for why you should go find someone else (who isn’t in your friend group).
And if you break up with her, now you’ll be the one with the experience. It’s a never ending loop.
i was in a very, very similar situation as you. i was friends with my girlfriend for a long time before we started dating and unfortunately i got to hear a bunch of the graphic details about what her and her ex did.
i know its hard, but eventually you get over it. it took me a long time and it never completely goes away but you start to realize that it doesn’t matter to you as much
she has a past. she did some things. unfortunately, unlike most people, you got to hear all of the details. but just remember that whatever happened in the past doesn’t matter anymore. she chose you. she is with you now because she wants to be. soon you’ll realize that what you guys have is much bigger than whatever she was doing as a teen.
stop asking about it. stop thinking about it. enjoy what you have while you have it. all you’re doing is driving yourself deeper into insecurity.
whether you can deal with that feeling or not is up to you. if it really feels like the end of the world and you cant get over it, just move on. you’re young. just know that the older you get, the less likely you’re going to find a partner with a “clean” record.
You should decide how badly these things bother you BEFORE you decided to be in a relationship. As you get older your gfs are only going to have more and more past sexual experiences, so either confront the side of yourself that feels inadequate in the face of this, make sure you avoid the topic in the future, or start dating virgins only.
Years? You’re 21