I never thought I'd have to make a post like this because my relationship has been nearly perfect. I genuinely have been thinking that this is the person in going to spend the rest of my life with, and we have lived together six months and it's been blissful.
Tale as old as time, when he drinks he transforms into a different person. He makes unfiltered remarks to people that are completely out of line even if not ill intentioned. He very rarely drinks so I guess this hasn't come up before.
Tonight was St. Patrick's Day and we were out having a great night. He got way more tossed than I expected which is rare because of his schedule. While we were out, I got a message from an someone I had previously turned down a long time ago saying that I'd gained some weight and "let myself go" and that being in love wasn't an excuse to gain weight.
I laughed this off as this was from someone who was notoriously cruel and unhappy, but it stung more than I let people see.
When I got home, my boyfriend was so drunk he could barely walk. I got him some water, his favorite crackers, and a bucket and got him into bed. I mentioned how hurtful the messages from that guy were when we were laying in bed next to each other and he said "well, you have put on some weight." I got completely silent because I was shocked. He followed up by saying "sometimes f*ng you is like f*ng a pile of dough." I was so completely stunned I just quietly got up and went to sleep in the other room.
In the past three months, I've had a miscarriage, a move, finalizing an divorce, two brain injuries and a totaled car. It's been hard, and I know I've gained 10 pounds, but I've been trying. I've always been petite and am still a size small so I just figured things would get back to normal once I got back in a routine.
I am currently sleeping in the other room and I have absolutely no idea how to address this or what to do in the morning. I know drinking can transform someone but I've seldom ever had anyone say such a cruel thing to me. I feel sick about my body and I don't know how I can be comfortable being intimate with him again.
How should I handle this? I know he may not even remember or have meant it, but what should I do?
TL/DR my otherwise perfect partner said something really cruel about my weight when he was drunk and I'm unsure how to process it.
31 comments
He doesnt respect you. Was he maybe a life raft as you were navigating all the things you mentioned?
This would be a breakup for me love. You mentioned finalizing a divorce. You know you deserve better than this being your post divorce relationship.
That’s not him becoming a different person – that’s who he is without the pretty veneer.
Wow this sounds like a rebound relationship as you got out of your marriage but best to not make it permanent. This guy is much older than you. He isn’t the guy that is going to accept that women go through phases or they age. He will always look for the newer younger model. I would move on.
Consider also posting this on Al anon.
It’s okay if this is the end of your relationship. He is mean when drunk. Heis much older.
Why stay.
I am sorry about your miscarriage. I hope you are getting better after your injuries.
Please don’t get pregnant again in this relationship.
It sounds like he has a problem with alcohol.
I’d end things here. Staying in this relationship will lower your esteem.
My ex husband said that I was unattractive because I gained weight after having kids. I could not bring myself have sex with him again after that. I tried to exist for the kids but we divorced four years later.
I don’t think he ever realised what he’d said.
Interestingly years later I am in a new relationship. Fat or skinny this man adores me just the way I am. Go find one of these partners.
I was a horrific alcoholic and I never ever once said something like that to the people I love (or anyone else). Please consider that this is a side of him that could emerge in a variety of situations. This is not ok.
It will be tempting to just move on with an apology, but this is not something you will ever forget. The level of cruelty has me hoping you truly and genuinely consider leaving.
Eta: remember Mel Gibson’s anti Semitic rant when he was drunk? Those thoughts were already inside his head. Your boyfriend has thought of your body in cruel terms, and it’s absurd and awful. Your situations warrant a lot more than that weight gain, and he should be more supportive and loving than ever. What if you have future pregnancies? Hes proven he is cruel and judgemental.
Eta again: holy shit, the age difference is very significant here. He wants someobe he can control and bully. Do not let it be you! He seems like even more of a loser now.
Your partner is gross. It’s more than cruel, it’s a very specific thing to say, which was on his mind enough to mention.
At his age, he should be socially aware enough to know that isn’t an appropriate comment, regardless of how much he has had to drink.
Also, he’s not perfect, he has a drinking problem, and is probably just showing his true colours when he doesn’t have a filter.
If your ex was that much of a horrible man, please don’t put yourself through the same thing with this nasty pos.
You’re only 28. Leave him, focus on yourself and find someone who isn’t a loser.
Very sorry that happened to you. In every relationship there are point of non return. He may have not meant it, but it doesn’t matter if that leave a wound you cannot recover from. I would say just give t some time and see how you feel in a few weeks and how much he owns this mistake. Also don’t belive that and don’t justify yourself gaining weight.. it’s how the body work and there is nothing that justify this rudeness
This is *verbal abuse*
He isn’t a different person when he drinks. He is uninhibited. He is showing you he really is. You deserve so much better.
Maybe think about why you’re dating shitty guys. You know after dumping this one.
10 pounds? That’s it? After all that? No. Get rid of this man. I don’t even know you and I know you’re better than that.
He’s your rebound relationship, an alcoholic, and 12 years older than you. Just leave and find someone better.
He picked someone 12 years younger for a reason. Of course he’s shallow and focused on how you look. You can do better.
> “When he drinks he’s a different person.”
He’s the same person. This is a defense mechanism you’ve created for yourself to separate unfavorable behavior from your idealized version of him. Stop doing that.
He’s 40. He sounds like an alcoholic. Binge drinking is a form of alcoholism. It shows lack of self-awareness, lack of self-control, lack of self-care, and generally impulsive behavior.
He’s 40, not 22.
This behavior alone is unacceptable. When you add his bullshit comments? No.
He doesn’t deserve you.
I don’t care how or why your body has changed, that was an intentionally cruel statement.
Alcohol lowers inhibitions. What your partner said was the truth that he’s been able to keep in his own head all along. A size small isn’t a pile of dough and he was really hurtful. Keep an eye on him, this might be just the tip of the iceberg.
Thoughts don’t come out of nowhere, they just lose the filter.
I hate to tell you this but he is NOT PERFECT. He was dying to tell you that you are fat. And using being drunk as an excuse.
you went through all that and only gained 10lbs? That’s a win in my opinion. The problem is your boyfriend saw an opportunity to be cruel and he took it. That is who he is going to be when you are married and he doesn’t feel like he has to put on an act to keep you.
Didn’t read: saw the age gap and already knew.
Ladies, enough with older men, ffs.
Really sorry this happened to you. My brother, less than six months after his ex-wife had given birth to his daughter, was drinking alcohol one night and told her that he wasnt physically attracted to her anymore because of the weight she gained during pregnancy. I was truly shocked when I heard this. But the thing is, it wasnt him being a different person, it was alcohol relaxing inhibitions and allowing his true thoughts to reach his mouth. They were divorced a short time later. Wish you all the best.
Your middle aged boyfriend thinks an extra ten pounds on a woman is like fucking dough. Gee, I wonder why he had to start targeting women in their 20s to keep a girlfriend.
People rarely say things drunk that they haven’t thought sober. Alcohol affects your judgment and inhibitions; it doesn’t fundamentally change your views and beliefs. It just makes you more likely to voice your thoughts even when doing so is ill advised and impolitic.
I think this may be a relationship-ending comment.
He’s an asshole and I’m so sorry. Please don’t take his twisted thoughts to heart.
Why are you with him? He sounds like a pile of trash and you deserve better. Also, he gives me wife beater vibes.
OP, I have really relevant advice for you. I was once with a wonderful man who seemed like the gentlest, kindest, most loving person. I’d never heard him say an unkind thing about anyone. Then once he got incredibly drunk at a party, a thing he had literally never done in our eight years together at that point, and made a condescending remark about my intelligence to my face in a room full of people. He was talking about an author to a friend of mine, I tried to chime in, and he turned to me and snidely said “I bet you don’t even know who (name) is” with all our friends at the table.
I felt humiliated, shocked, and so confused because it was so out of character for him. I felt awful about it but he insisted he had no memory of the incident and we stayed together.
Years later, I discovered he was texting my ex behind my back all sorts of personal information, making fun of my autoimmune disorder, and doing it so frequently it seemed like their entire friendship was based around talking shit on me when I was too sick to have sex with him, a thing he’d told me didn’t bother him. He also cheated on me with said ex, who was not even in my life anymore. They ruthlessly mocked me when my autoimmune disorder caused me to lose my hair, my mobility, and gave me pretty intense depression. He pretended to be supportive, then was texting jokes about it every night.
He has given you a glimpse into the cruel things he is thinking, whether he’s ever voiced them in the past or not. A remark that specific does not come out of nowhere.
I’m sorry your partner isn’t who you thought he was. It’s painful to experience.
Don’t make the same mistake I did.
My (28F) partner (40M)
And once again I didn’t need to read any further.
The problem with being blind ass drunk, is not that it allows you to say silly things, but it allows you to say things you really mean as alcohol loosens your inhibitions. So what he said to you is really what’s on his mind, his mask has been stripped off, and yes he’ll swear up and down to Rudy and to high heaven, he didn’t mean it but yes he did. Now you have to ask yourself if this is the way he really feels and really doesn’t respect you, is there someone you want to maintain the rest of your life with. You really are young enough where you can go find the right guy out there that really loves and respects you, the one that he gets drunk can tell you he’s madly in love with you you’re the most beautiful creature on earth and no one else could even stand next to you in his eyes.
And he should be able to say that to you drunk or sober. You can’t love someone like this asshole. And you’re right how can you ever get intimate with somebody who feels that way about you. You’re not married according to this, so just walk away, and tell him to find someone that doesn’t mind his insults.
alcohol really does strip away the mask
Drunk words are sober thoughts. Dump his ass and find someone who loves you unconditionally.
Sounds like he only wanted a skinny young trophy wife, not a real relationship and life with an adult woman with actual feelings and problems.