The phrase “just be yourself“ does not apply to people like me
If I be myself unchecked, I will do insanely annoying things without realizing
interrupting people, wanting to “win” in conversations, saying unnecessary things, wanting to be right.
At 23, I realized I act exactly like my dad. And my dad is the most insufferable narcissist you’ll ever meet. and I grew up with it
so it’s embedded in my core to do all the things my dad does.
I have a compulsive need to prove myself to everybody, to only talk about myself, to prove I’m smart/funny/better. I don’t even really have a personality and don't know what to say ever
if I meet someone that has a skill I care about or am insecure about. Internally, I have to fight myself to “one up them” or prove “i do that too”
In every interaction, I manage it well. But then it slips out. And it’s almost like you can’t undo it when someone truly finds you annoying
7 comments
You have good self awareness, now is the time to unlearn our parents patterns and influences that don’t serve us
Like everyone said, good on you for seeing this. When you catch yourself doing this, break the habit “I’m so sorry for interrupting you, what were you saying”?
Wow. Story of my life. Thanks Dad!!!!
But seriously, if you’re aware of it now and actively want to do better, that’s the point real narcissists never really get to on their own. Just try your best every day and stay mindful and accountable. You will slip up sometimes—try not to beat yourself up too much over it. If you catch yourself mid sentence you can even make a joke about it like ‘silly me, there I go again’ and usually the person won’t hold it against you. If you’re comfortable, tell them what you’re working on so they can be understanding and help you.
Your habits are not all that you are, they don’t define you forever, and change is possible. Best of luck OP!
You can 100% not do it – the goal is practicing mindfulness and then having meta commentary about your default reactions – you can certainly learn to program yourself with this level of self awareness! First step, learning to take an interest in others without it meaning anything necessarily about yourself. These types of things often come from relying on extrinsic validation of your identity, when honestly you can just know you’re a chill dude intrinsically and then not care what anyone else in the world thinks about you. If you’re concerned with altering what other people think of you, unfortunately, you’ll always get stuck in a feedback loop of controlling/manipulative behaviors and trying to be a certain person to get certain results from them. It’s a lot of work! And it always backfires, so might as well not do it. It’s like learning not to scratch an itch. Long term beneficial outcomes vs. short term gratification. Good luck! The hardest part for most people here is the self awareness part so you’re already miles ahead!
You can absolutely turn things around by working on yourself. I also picked up undesirable traits from a parent, was disgusted with myself when I realized and turned it around surprisingly easily. Thankfully you’re self-aware and recognize the behavior as you’re doing it. From there you CAN choose to change your mindset and behave differently. Keep at it until the new behaviour and mindset come naturally. I’d suggest working on self-esteem also, perhaps with therapy.
Good on you for recognizing the issue and wanting to change it. Good luck 🫶
I think a huge part of all of these things you do is just seeking connection, relating to that person so they know you “get them” too.
The best socialization tip I have ever heard is that when you don’t know what to talk about with someone (or instead of talking about yourself) just ask them questions. People love to talk about themselves and it makes them feel good, so enter the room having a goal of only learning, not sharing. You can make it your personality to make other people feel good about themselves That can turn into a habit if practiced enough.
I’m the same way. Not drinking helps with the shame. Anyway, try your best to listen instead of adding your two cents, especially if it’s with acquaintances or coworkers. Just listen. People just want to be heard. Fight the urge to “relate”. However, find people you can be yourself with. Old friends, new friends. You’ll find your way. You already got farther than most people by simply noticing.