Original post: https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/1rvl4vn/comment/oazbo0d/
Hi again everyone. I have been reading all your responses to my first post and I'm overwhelmed by how many people were so supportive and upset for me. In real life, I am very averse to making my problems known and I have a tendency to downplay things and make them into a joke when talking about it, so experiencing such an outpouring of genuine concern on my behalf was definitely new for me. I read everything that was said and I appreciate every word.
I figured with this update, I would address some questions/common sentiments that I saw and let you guys know how everything went.
- Has he ever done this kind of thing before?
The answer to that is no. This was the first time he has ever insulted me in any capacity, or brought up something up that led to an insult. There have never been any underhanded compliments before. On the contrary; I am much more used to him being very affectionate and obviously adoring me, which is a big reason why I was so conflicted on how to feel about this whole thing and why it was such a shock. That being said, I hear you and I know why you're asking and this is something that I will keep my eye on in case it ever happens again.
- Do you think you really said that thing you can't remember about him being able to get a girl prettier than you?
It's definitely possible. I have adhd and I'm forgetful as all get out. Also, while I am aware that I'm a good looking person and have been generally confident in that, there have been dark moments for me as well. I have gone through periods of hormonal issues wreaking absolute havoc on my mind and body and he has been there with me through all of that. I don't remember saying that specific thing but I do remember a general sense of him being very distraught and reassuring at points where I was criticizing myself so I wouldn't be shocked if I had said something along those lines and it genuinely concerned him enough to still be thinking about it. But I totally get why this situation in a vacuum could look like he made it up just to have a reason to insult me. It just wouldn't line up with my previous experiences with him. It doesn't excuse some of the stuff he said after, but I'll get into that in a bit.
- The "hot girls are bad people" thing is weird.
I agree, but he knows, at least. This has come up a little bit as well since the first conversation and he knows it's something of a trauma response of his and not really meant to be a judgement on all the hot girls of the world. His ex was a genuinely bad person who is still hurting people to this day and I guess that was his takeaway, but now that he's admitted it's not really true I think he'll move away from that mentality.
- Insult his penis
No I don't think so. We exterminated the tit-for-tat thing pretty early in our relationship because it makes us awful at having an actual conversation. But I'm not going to lie, reading that a bunch helped make me feel a little better by itself because it was pretty funny and boy was I tempted.
The most helpful thing about all of this was being told that this was not just a me thing, and that so many others would have felt insecure from this as well. There were lots of people saying that an apology was 100% in order and that helped me see things a lot clearer. I also figured out a few things about my insecurities that, while valid, are maybe a bit too strong than I would like them to be. Having a reaction to this was normal, but spiraling and feeling ugly over it was not. Thank you to everyone who told me to keep feeling confident. One person also suggested I show what I wrote to my husband, so I did, and his first instinct was to tell me repeatedly that that wasn't what he meant and that he really does love me so much but that didn't fix it because it wasn't really the problem. The problem was that it did come out the way that it did and he needed to explain himself properly if he didn't mean it and apologize. And he did.
Him saying that "maybe he could" get someone prettier than me was not meant to be anything more than a bridge into saying I have a heart of gold. He knows that the same thing goes for me as well. I could also get someone hotter than him if I wanted to, and he's not insulted by that – he's happy that he was the one I chose. So it didn't occur to him how it was coming out and that it would be insulting to me.
As for the "she was model pretty" part, he in all honesty doesn't get why he said it like that in a response to me asking if she was hotter and that the beer was no excuse. I think part of it was that I was feeling vulnerable over it and made it into a bit of a joke when I asked, so I don't think I got across that I was giving him a chance to climb out of the hole he was digging. But he didn't say that, he just acknowledged that it was a dumb and insulting thing to say and that I had every right to be upset about it, and that he could only reassure me that he 100% thinks I'm the most beautiful woman he knows and that he just had a different type back then that he regrets. Maybe he's just backpedaling, but if he has respect enough to backpedal and apologize then I'll take it 😉 because like I said, all I care about is that he thinks I'm the best ever. I'm not trying to actually compete with his ex. He also said that he doesn't want me to think less of myself in any way and clarified that he doesn't mean to say it's a me problem, and that if I did feel insecure it is a consequence of what he said and that he is willing to keep working to fix it.
So anyway, to summarize I think he was mostly being dumb and trying to say something he thought I'd take away as nice, but has since realized the error of his ways. I will 100% be on top of anything like this in the future in case it becomes a pattern, but for right now I am feeling a lot better. Thanks so much again to everyone who offered their input.
Tl;dr: everything is ok on my end and my husband is working hard to fix his big mistake and doing a lot of self reflection.