I posted here because other subs wouldn’t allow me to post personal situations. I posted on [r/AskMen](r/AskMen) and [r/AskMenAdvice](r/AskMenAdvice) and unfortunately got met with a lot of assumption, judgement and criticism; ultimately leaving me feeling worse about myself.
I’ve had sex with other people, both before and after my ex, and we’ve unfortunately been on/off and finally called it quits. However, every time we’ve broken up (I know intermittent reinforcement can play a role, but this has happened even after our initial breakup, when I believed it was over for good), I’d eventually miss the sex with him.
I enjoyed sex with him and it felt pretty effortless and fun, no matter how long we’d been together for/how repetitive you’d expect it to become.
Ironically, I’d say it’s pretty uncharacteristic of me to miss sex with an ex boyfriend (especially if I went onto meeting other people), so the whole thing’s messing with my head. Other people have been reciprocative, fun, and even shared characteristics of his that I valued when we got intimate, but it’s just something that I can’t touch on with him.
I’ve been trying to divert my attention and energy elsewhere, especially myself. I was laser-focused in university, my career, even bought a new car. I spend time with friends and family, keep myself occupied and try to balance time for myself and prioritize self-care.
For context, I have since began dating, and even met some sweet guys that I really liked. I’m open for something long-term but want to focus on resolving this stupid issue.
I really want it to stop, it’s ridiculously stupid and I can’t get these thoughts out of my head
29 comments
Let me know when you figure it out because I can’t stop thinking about her either and she sucks as a person it’s annoying.
>I’ve been trying to divert my attention and energy elsewhere, especially myself. I was laser-focused in university, my career, even bought a new car. I spend time with friends and family, keep myself occupied and try to balance time for myself and prioritize self-care.
None of these things are addressing the missing thing you described – having a guy you’re dating that you have a good sexual connection with.
Like I’m not sure where buying a new car addresses this at all. Rather than diverting your attention you should put your energy into meeting someone new who can fill that role for you
Why can’t you think about it? Not being snarky but it’s like if you had the most amazing vacation with someone you hate. The trip was still good and you can reflect back on it without really having feelings about the person you went with
You have to go through the grieving process and accept that it is never coming back.
Eventually you’ll find someone better, its normal to miss someone you were once close with.
Just gotta keep trying, but don’t hide the fact that you are still hung up on your ex. Some guys might be immediately turned away by that, but it would be worse for them to figure it out later
In the same boat, but she’s mentally ill so I’d never go back but I have fantasies and I’m sure she does too lol. I’ll just find a new girl who I’m sexually compatible with I guess
Every human on this planet will tickle a different part of your brain differently. I’ve been with a few more people since this girl I only casually dated a few years ago. She’s married now, but was by FAR the best sex I’ve ever had in my entire life. So yes, still think about it and I’ll always be chasing that high. I wouldn’t even say it’s unhealthy unless it causes problems in your current life and relationships. Otherwise, that’s just how your primal mind works.
Countless women and encounters later and I still miss the woman I should have married. >.<
Accept the thoughts and feelings, but don’t act on them.
It’s natural to look back and miss parts of a relationship, but things end for a reason. Don’t let those memories (which are often not wholly accurate) dictate how you should go about life.
The best way to get over someone is to get under someone else.
I don’t think reddit is a great outlet for you to diagnose this problem. I think it’s time you consider speaking with a sex therapist.
People come to this subreddit to understand if they really are the common denominator for their problematic dating life. Or to let out grievances about modern dating. I would encourage you to ask whatever new questions you have about yourself to someone more trained in understanding why you’re feeling this sense of physical longing, what it means, how to separate the person of your focus (the ex) from your desired feeling.
If I were in your shoes I’d be distraught to but there are people whose careers are based in answering these questions, I’d at least here what their thoughts on the matter are before listening to compassionate strangers on the internet. I might help you connect with people who had the same problem or you may even help them find a solution in the future if all goes well.
Good luck.
The biggest thing I can recommend is just to recognize that it’s over and that whatever sex that was had with this previous partner will not happen again.
Right now, you are cross comparing people to a past that they won’t ever be able to compare to because -they are not your ex-. And so your ex becomes this… Murky representation of -unachievable-.
In other words; you’re longing to find something in other people that no longer exists in your life, and because you’re searching for your ex in new people (and sex), you find that you are constantly being let down.
I think you are missing how it -felt- emotionally, not so much how good it was physically (even if it was good). The on and off means highs and lows which means extreme dopamine/oxytocin spikes. And that means you’ll likely FEEL very good during sex, makeup sex, and whatnot.
I also think this is another thing that needs to be grieved to fully move on from; this is actually also another form of what needs to be let go.
I felt the same way. Went a year with no sex with my ex. And the one night I was feeling a bit weak and we linked and had sex. It was meh. It was better in my head. Maybe because I didn’t have feelings for him anymore. That solved my problem lol
The only thing that fixes this is time. Just keep on moving one step forward at a time and sooner or later it will go away. Good luck everyone!
I am already there to be honest. As a person she was really annoying but the sex with her was intense. She would drain me to the core everytime we had sex. So much to say though it all funnels down to the point that I really miss the sex with her and I really don’t know how do I stop thinking about it .
lmk when you find the solution
Well the real answer is that it doesn’t truly stop, it just fades over time. With this, it’s fine to miss the feelings of sex with this ex partner. It’s completely valid.
I think you factor in sex with a partner, you’ve gotten to know each other’s bodies really well and making that person feel pleasure is almost as automatic as breathing.
If it was uncharacteristic before to miss sex with an ex, perhaps the mixture of both of your pheromones was just more powerful than previous partners.
I want to say you’re not stupid. It’s completely fine and normal to have these thoughts. Acting on it will be a different conversation. However trust me, if you did, it’s not a great feeling after and it just puts you back to day zero, if you treat this as how many days you’ve been sober from him..
Time heals all.
I can’t speak on the sex, but when it comes to missing an ex, you just have to find someone better.
Honestly if you figure it out please pass on the wisdom… it was the best sex I ever had and it just doesn’t hit the same when it isn’t with my ex.
Out of curiosity, what was so special about it?
I have a slightly different problem. I miss having regular sex with my current gf. God damn she rocked my world. We had some good times. I think she has a side boyfriend/chick. Not sure. Last week I came home earlier than expected, and she was wearing just a thong, and was all oiled up. She was very confused why I’m home already. We had sex, but maybe she wasn’t ready for me?
I think what’s hurting you is the fact that you’re focusing so much energy on the problem. It’s completely understandable, and I’m not judging you. I mean, you really should relax, see it as something you did enjoy a lot, accept that you might miss it, grieve it, so to speak, and accept that there will be other things like that, different, but that will be enjoyable, and above all, with someone you love, who cares for you, who respects you, etc.
Why not stay in each other’s lives as a FWB type thing? Continue to have sex, avoid the relationship.
I have a similar issue, but I’m a guy.
In undergrad I was in a toxic on/off relationship with a girl and it was the best sex I have ever had, and I still miss it despite having had multiple partners since. Much like you say, to me, nothing has ever been as good.
I tried moving past it, ignoring it, forgetting it, and generally being open to sex with someone else eventually being better and it just hasn’t happened.
Unfortunately even now, I don’t know what the answer is.
But I do have a theory, which is that I think great sex is a combination of chemistry (which you can’t really control) and emotional connection (you can sorta control, but best results = not forcing it).
If the chemistry isn’t there, the full sexual potential for “great sex” will never be there. If chemistry is there, work on connecting emotionally because in my eyes, that is what made sex with my own ex so great. The chemistry was insane and the emotional connection was also really deep.
You don’t, it just does.
Time and effort, in equal proportions, are the only things that work.
sex with your ex might make it stop
I had a toxic, abusive ex with whom I had (at the time) the best sex of my life. It ended, I missed it, and then I met my new partner who is wonderful in every way and the sex is even better. There’s not a single ideal partner out there, just find someone you vibe with
The best thing you could do is find yourself another horse to ride.
Somewhat was in this boat but it was a situationship. It takes time and then if you’re lucky you have sex with someone better than your ex.