So I was the youngest with 2 older brothers. I was born in a family who decided to me. My very older brother would make fun of me through my childhood. He would call me the r word and mock me every time I did something wrong. He would make fun of me and say I wasn't good at anything. I was homeschooled until the age of 13 but I did attend clubs weekly however I was unable to make friends at these clubs despite trying to. Many children in these clubs had friends from school who they met up with outside of these social gatherings but I had none. I remember one child saying all my friends were from clubs and the other children laughing at me. In reality I wasn't accepted by anyone and I had no friends. This continued throughout my childhood. I never was able to hang out with other children and I wasn’t even close to my family. I was very dishonest and lied to them a lot and pretended to be perfect out of fear of being punished or abandoned.
When I finally became 13 I attended a college course (In the UK). This was extremely different to anything I had experienced before and I was excited to finally make friends but I became quickly very disappointed as the youngest person in my class was a year older than me and most people walking around campus were 16. I quickly realised that I was unable to make friends. I asked other kids for their numbers and texted them but they all ghosted me. None of them ever wanted to meet up with me. I also had my very first crush who I never asked out because I was so afraid of rejection..
When I was 15 I finally left my college course and moved to a different college. Again struggling to make friends. Unable to make friends. At this point I truly believed I was an outcast who would always and forever be alone but I did try. Unfortunately during this time I started getting a physical condition that caused immense pain in my body everytime my body would heat up. This was exercise, anxiety, waking into a room and everything you could. This caused me to be even more depressed throughout my childhood and I started having major desire to delete myself. This continued for a few years until it Eventually passed.
Now as an adult my brothers have introduced me to some new friends who I am now interacting with but I do really struggle still. I habe now been diagnosed with asd but not sure how neurological it is or how much it is to do with my childhood. I still struggle with terrible thoughts and feeling like I will never have any friends