Let's assume there are no major dealbreakers or red flags present and you've been on a couple dates.
– How do you know if you'll become attracted to them/connection will form with more time, vs not?
– How do you know if you're into someone because of a trauma pattern vs healthy attraction?
– How do you know if you're NOT into someone because you have a fear of intimacy vs. just genuinely not into them?
– How do you know if you should push yourself to date someone who is showing green flags even if you aren't feeling the spark (ie maybe you are running away from a good thing… OR maybe you're really not into them)?
I've never been in a relationship successfully (32f) and have been struggling with these questions. I don't know if I'm self sabotaging or genuinely not into people. The people I don't question my attraction to (like I just know/feel it) haven't been interested in me. On the other hand, I'd say so far for people who I was unsure about, in retrospect I don't regret ending it.
But lately I've been in a few situations that feel much more ambiguous. And when I'm in the middle of it, I'm typically bombarded by a chorus of friends telling me "he's nice, you're too picky, you should give it more time" etc. It gets really confusing and I am generally quite open minded about people so it is VERY hard and confusing for me to know when I can/should turn someone down. In this way, I've ended up talking to people for weeks/months just feeling uncertain. I feel like at this rate I'm going to end up getting married to someone in the process of "just give him a chance."
Not to mention all the trauma stuff telling me "you are attracted to unavailable people/you are running away from healthy intimacy" and confusing me as well. I feel like I can't trust my gut attraction or instincts.
And in terms of physical attraction, I feel like if I have a crush (ie those people who aren't into me…) I don't have to question it.. But again, I generally feel some baseline affection for many people and often I can kind of get myself into a mindset of being attracted to someone / I don't mind it sort of thing? even if I'm not instinctively pulled to that? so like, confusing.
On top of that, I also don't get many matches/dating options generally so it's even harder to convince myself to end it with someone when I don't know how long it will be for the next date to come around.
Idk! I would appreciate any thoughts on how people deal with such uncertainty.
Edit: Oh yeah, there's all that and then also "but have you communicated your needs/preferences?" muddying the picture even more! Like if I'm not into it maybe it's on me for not being clear enough about what will make me feel into them? 🫣