I went on a lunch date on Monday, and we mainly just talked. I thought it went okay, nothing too exciting but I was willing to go on another date. Afterwards though, she said she thought we weren't a good fit. Which fair enough, I'm not upset about that, and it's not the first time I've heard that. But I did ask what made her no longer interested, like was it something I said?
Basically she said she thought I was a bit boring because I didn't have an opinion on anything. Whether I liked or disliked a movie, my political opinions, my opinions on my job, etc.
To be clear, I don't really talk about media I enjoy or dislike because everyone's just kind of an asshole about the shit they dislike. So I don't really share the movies, games, TV shows, books, or music that I like. I generally take a neutral, pragmatic, cautious approach to everything.
I told her as much, and that I felt like I'm too stupid to give an informed or specific opinion on really anything in life. I'm not an expert on anything, so I keep my opinions to myself. She didn't seem to like that answer, and we left it at that.
That message thread with her has been stuck in my mind. I'm not sure what to do or learn from it. Idk what to change without possibly getting harmed emotionally.
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That’s interesting, I used to have the same approach. My neutrality was actually emotional avoidance disguised as not caring – in fact I was very sensitive but didn’t want to admit it to myself.
The comparison I’ve read about is it makes you like a teflon pan – water runs right off you and people find it hard to bond with people who don’t have rough edges. I don’t think I’m an expert by any means but it’s food for thought
” Idk what to change without possibly getting harmed emotionally.” – Not sure what you expect to get out of this without putting something in. Take a chance:)
Think you answered your own question chief –
“I generally take a neutral, pragmatic, cautious approach to everything”.
And you wonder why she said you were boring? You didn’t show her “you”. You didn’t show her who you are, what interests you and where you stand with general topics. It doesn’t matter if some people are shitty about media/opinions they don’t share with you. Thats what makes you, you.
And if they are being shitty in response to your interests, guess what?
They probably aren’t for you and it isn’t a match. Being interested in other people’s hobbies and preferences is part of getting to know eachother.
Let them in bro
I think what you can learn is that some people will not feel connected with you if you don’t open up more than what you are currently doing.
“The person who risks nothing, does nothing, has nothing, is nothing, and becomes nothing. He may avoid suffering and sorrow, but he simply cannot
learn, feel, change, grow or love.
Chained by his certitude, he is a slave; he has forfeited his freedom.
Only the person who risks is truly free.”
Even if you’re neutral, I would run with what you like and dislike about both sides of something. Otherwise its not neutral it’s indifferent and that is incredibly boring.
Part of dating is being vulnerable and letting people see who you are, if you can’t do that, I might work on your self esteem first.
“Idk what to change without possibly getting harmed emotionally”.
Well that’s your problem. If you’re emotionally avoidant, no woman is ever going to want to date you.
If you ask a group of women to list the top three things they want in a partner, I can guarantee you most of them are going to say something along the lines of “he’s emotionally intelligent.”
I don’t think your neutral approach is going to get you very far. You don’t have to be a studied cinephile to have at least some opinion on movies that really struck a chord with you. If you can’t show passion or interest in something you’re not really giving someone much to work with as they try to figure out what you’re all about and if they might have things in common with you.
And if I ever come across someone who is politically neutral that is a big red flag – and that’s not just because of the current ultra polarization of our political camps. I’ve always prioritized knowing someone’s world view and political stance, and if you don’t have one that pretty much tells me the person is uninformed and disengaged. You can have an opinion that is different than mine, but you should definitely have an opinion.
In other news; grass is green and the sky is blue.
If you’re a salesman, then you think what the customer thinks. If you’re trying to get to know someone for a relationship, you have to let them get to know you. Maybe you two agree on 90% of things and would get along great. Not having, or sharing, an opinion on anything is about as interesting as white bread. Put your ass in the toaster for a little and spread some strawberry jam on top so there’s a bit of appeal. And for the people who like grape, wish them well and continue your search 🤷♂️
I would say work on opening up about those things.
You can only grow as a person if you are willing to leave your place of safety. Nothing ventured, nothing gained as the saying goes.
Someone with no opinions comes across as very bland and dull. The conversation would get stale so fast if you just give wishy washy answers to everything. It would be very hard to get a sense of your personality if you give them nothing to work with.
Part of dating is being polarizing. You know how it’s hard to see a silver car against a gray sky sometimes? Neutrality is gray, it makes it hard to discern who you are. Being careful comes off as insecure, because it makes you seem like you don’t want to offend; you shouldn’t be afraid to offend, especially if you aren’t doing anything offensive. It makes you appear like you’re meticulously preening the encounter so that it ends up exactly as *you* want it.
But what did *she* want? She wanted to know what inspires you, what makes you feel fulfilled, what gives you happiness, what gives you comfort, because she wanted to know if *she* could find a shared appreciation in those things. You’re not just a guy, you’re a culmination of thousands of unique experiences, and anyone willing to get to know you will want to know what you’ve experienced, and how they apply to the person you are now.
Women are attracted to feeling, as an action. “Feeling” is not a noun, it’s something that happens. If you aren’t willing to be polarizing, and leaving yourself open to the occasional slings and arrows that come as a result of having an opinion about something, then you will find it difficult to make connections based on anything else. You’ll attract only those who value the surface level, because you’re only allowing yourself to be perceived on the surface.
I think you need to sit w a therapist. This is hurting your desire to make connections.
Most people aren’t assholes about things.
And if you’re dating someone, you WANT to know what they like. You want to bond over this.
You are deliberately keeping people away from you.
I am going to say it, NEUTRAL IS BORING.
There’s no anchor point of “we bonded over our love of ____.”
No one knows what you love, live for, or are willing to die for unless you express it.
Being neutral while dating is like wearing a beige suit every single day of your life. It shows that nothing particularly drives you to do X, Y, or Z.
If you don’t want to adapt, then seek out other beige suit wearing women and see if you’re as equally stimulated by eating unsalted chicken broth too.
I agree with her
You have constructed your worldview and opinions to be milquetoast and middle of the road on everything to people, and you’re wondering why someone who wants you to have opinions or passion about something wouldn’t like that?
She smelt the low confidence and left. Be more confident pal. Otherwise you have no chance.
It’s fine if you don’t share your opinion to coworkers or people in passing. But the point of dating is to get to know someone.
You sound boring. What do you talk about without discussing likes and dislikes?
You definitely are the problem. When you’re dating, you’re trying to get to know the other person and you seem to be giving your dates absolutely nothing. So I get why they wouldn’t be interested in somebody who’s not willing to share anything with them while they are.
You seem to lack self-esteem and confidence because you say things like “I’m too stupid to give an informed or specific opinion on really anything in life” and that’s not attractive at all. You might want to work on that as well.
Your headline is boring me to sleep.
Dating is about getting to know someone and seeing whether you vibe with them or not right?
How the fuck are you going to find out whether you get along with someone and all their intricacies and how the fuck are they going to get to know you if you don’t tell them your actual genuine opinions and thoughts?
You don’t have to be the prieminent critical mind and master scholar of a discussion topic in order to be allowed to have a valid personal opinion on something and share it with others.
I dare say, having an opinion and then being able to talk about how you’ve interpreted stuff to come to that opinion is categorically what she was looking for,
you don’t even have to have the same opinion as her. Just one you’re willing to discuss and don’t mind being told you’re wrong, you’re not an asshole for being wrong about something.
What makes you an asshole is when you think you’re right and you’re not willing to even discuss or debate opposing thoughts.
“i generally take a neutral, pragmatic, cautious approach to everything.” means i’m keeping you at a distance and not letting you in. on a date when you’re trying to get to know someone and see if you’re a good fit, you’re giving them nothing to connect to. ofc they won’t see the point of a second date. 🤦🏻♀️
Sorry bud but I gotta side with her, having been on similar dates. What you seem to suffer from is a problem of under-confidence/self esteem. You don’t have to be an expert in anything to know you like or don’t like something. And as somebody who personally has very strong opinions, I don’t tolerate people who can’t or won’t express their own. It makes me feel like you’re trying to be universally likable—not unapologetically yourself. What we like and don’t make us unique, and it also relates to compatibility on important topics like relationship structure, children, and labor division. If a woman can’t gauge who you are, which we learn over time through what gets you amped and what you absolutely can’t stand, or ascertain whether you’d be compatible long term, why the hell would anybody want to go back out with you?
Dating you sounds like dating a body pillow with a shitty AI programmed into it. Dude, if you have no opinions on anything, you’re as good as a rock. You add no emotional value to another person’s life. A romantic partner should be your person, and she was probably looking for someone who has similar interests and views, but you have none. It is boring. You have to be self-aware.
to put it simply it’s like talking to a gray rock 🪨
well makes sense you are getting those results, as what you describe is an indicator of low confidence, which is a turn off for women. understand you may not be connecting the dots to it being low confidence…to you it’s just you not wanting to share your opinions, or to not give them if you think they are uninformed opinions. but confident people are open about sharing and being vulnerable, because they are comfortable with whatever their opinions are, and don’t care if other people disagree with them.
so unfortunately what you’re describing is a confidence problem.