About a month ago, after being single for most of the last 15 years, I met someone incredible and we started dating. It's official now that we're boyfriend and girlfriend, and I'm over the moon about it. We match so well and I cherish every second we spend together, but I have been really surprised by how much it has changed the time I spend alone. We're both busy working adults, so we can't spend every second together and we're only seeing each other in person once a week right now.
I'm an introvert and have always faced my problems alone, and I have taken pride in my ability to weather any storm without having to rely on other people. But now when I'm away from my partner I feel this LONGING that I didn't expect. It feels so much harder to be alone now than it used to be, now that I've met someone who feels like my other half.
I worry about becoming too reliant on my girlfriend for my mental and emotional health, especially too quickly. We're only a month in; as much as I want to blurt out the mushiest stuff imaginable and tell her I love her and adore her, I know it's just too soon to say things like that. I can't let myself become so entangled with her that I would be shattered if she couldn't fully reciprocate my feelings, or if one day we were to go our separate ways.
I'm going through a rough time at work right now, and for the first time in my adult life I'm actually seriously worried about losing my job and potentially not being able to find another one with the economy the way it is right now. I had an incredibly hard day yesterday and by the end of it I was ready to break down. I didn't expect how much more difficult that type of day would be. I had my girlfriend to talk to, but I couldn't let her in on the real depth of my feelings, either positive or negative, for worry of overwhelming her and driving her away.
She knows I had a rough day and she was there to reassure me, but she doesn't know I had nightmares the entire night. She doesn't know I lay in bed trying to sleep, feeling physically sick from stress, wanting to reach out but knowing I needed to get through it on my own for now. It was never this hard to be alone and power through difficult and lonely times when I was single.
Is this just what falling in love feels like? It's never happened to me before. It feels like walking a tightrope over a huge drop, and I'm terrified of heights. What if the future we're already talking about doesn't materialize? What if she doesn't feel as strongly about me as I do her? What if I do something to mess it up before it even gets going? Worrying about things like this is not like me at all.
I don't know. Maybe one day soon I'll be willing to open up and say things like this to her, but for now I feel like it's far too soon. As much as I see a future for us together and will move heaven and earth to make it happen, going back to being alone because I went too hard too soon is not something I want to risk.