I really don’t know how to phrase this exactly, but I am so sick of everything requiring so much of my thought/energy that I would prefer to dedicate to hobbies, spiritual pursuits, exercise, etc.
I have 2 kids and a wife. On paper everything is great. My wife and I are deeply in love, have sex frequently, and are best friends. My kids are awesome and truly beautiful- they have such good hearts. That being said – day to day I am miserable. I wake up, drink coffee, get kids on bus, then go to work and get basically shit on by people who make twice what I do and do half the work (internal and external to the organization). I then go home and go right into dinner/bath/sports for the kids. By the time I get me time it’s 9pm and I am fucking exhausted.
I weigh 40lbs more than I did 6 years ago, i am losing strength, I keep picking up the gym or diet and drop it at the slightest inconvenience. I can also only work out at like 5am or 8-10pm maybe. Literally all I want to do is meditate, garden, and hang out with my family. But life is so go go go I am honestly at the point where I just don’t care about anything. Boss trying to get me to work harder so I can make the same amount – nah. Dieting, exercise? Why, so I can live longer and keep suffering? Meditate? Why, So I can chop more wood and carry more water?
I really just kinda don’t care. Is this why I’m here? A tax slave and an expense my boss can use to increase profit? A driver for my family? A man who’s dead inside and is just invisible on the street? Genuinely what am I doing this for?