Hello – I (21M) and my partner (21-NB) have been together for 3 years, live together and own a cat. We currently live in a rough area of the UK, near my parents. Their parents and family are 2 hours drive away so we only see them a couple times a year.
They were diagnosed with fibromyalgia 2 years ago and on top that, they have quite severe depression, anxiety and OCD/Autistic tendencies. I also struggle with mental health and diagnosed autistic from when I was a child. They are in chronic pain and their disability flares quite often, to the point that they can go weeks without showering, eating or brushing their teeth. I use to work full time at a job I loved, and had the quit in August 2025 due to the stress of caring for my partner, holding down a full time job that was mentally exhausting, doing all the basic jobs around our home and dealing with my own mental health. Since then, I have felt not like myself and have been to therapy about this. I was advised to find something that felt more like me that wasn’t my career, however everything that I was interested in we couldn’t afford.
We are in the UK, and have applied for Personal Independent Payment 2 times and been denied. We are now awaiting for a court date to appeal their decision. PIP would give us around £300-400 a month to support my partner with their needs, whether it be a private domestic cleaner to help around the home or to invest in disability aids. We are on benefits and awarded £1100 a month for basic living expenses, so money is tight. We have redeemed every grant or payment from our local council so now we have to make the money stretch. We’ve had to use the food bank multiple times.
Due to the stress and lack of support, I have been burning out repeatedly and having my own flare up as well. We have had many disagreements but always communicate well about the pressure their sicknesses has upon me as their unpaid carer. I have chronic sinusitis and it always flares up when I get too tired mentally or physically as a way of my body telling me to slow down. 2 weeks ago, I was extremely burnt out. My partner was also struggling due to their sicknesses – and was severely out of routine. They weren’t doing basic hygiene and I couldn’t help. My mother is also severely disabled so they can’t come help. My partner and I agree that they were to live with their mum for 2 weeks to try get back into routine and have people who wasn’t just me to help. I was left alone to look after the house and our cat.
Their ‘holiday’ was cut short 3 days early as our cat had relapsed with a virus we cured 6 months ago so had to come home to say goodbye as we planned to euthanise. A charity has found and given us medication to help him fight the infection so we’re hoping it works. Since they’ve been home, they have been much better. They have done the washing up a few times and helped everytime trying to get the cats medication into him while he tries to fight and wriggle away.
Today, they decided to clean the whole living room but mentioned last night that they think they have a UTI. They haven’t showered in 6 days so I urged them to have a shower and brush their teeth instead of tidying the living room as that can wait. They said no as there’s no space in the house to go after the shower to ‘remain clean’. I tried to make sure I understood before making any comment. I explained that to me, they need to put themselves first and basic hygiene is a thing that I can’t really help with. I can’t brush their teeth or shower them effectively and that it needs to be them who does those jobs independently. I CAN help tidy so they need to prioritise themselves and their hygiene.
They disagreed and that they felt untrusted and that I had no faith in their ability to do anything. They said that I was not trusting them that they can make decisions based on their disability and how they were feeling. I explained that if they suspect they have a UTI, they need to shower which they replied that the symptoms had now passed and that they believe it’s gone. We both understood that I was trying to help – however I worry that if I leave them to look after themselves independently, they will crash and I won’t be able to help them because of my own health issues. This isn’t the first time we’ve made a change and I’ve given them more independence and they’re crashed and I’ve had to build them back up again. I additionally don’t want to end up in the same stalemate as my parents, where my dad is practically a servant to my mum as she demands things as dad allows her to make decisions based on how she’s feeling. I’m so exhausted – and I want to live my own life without being so needed.
I’ve always desired to go back to work and claim back that independence, however due to these issues I’ve had to put that on hold for years. We’ve agreed that once they can look after themselves without a lot of support, I can return to work and live my life how I want too. It’s now been 2 years, with no sign of this happening. I fear that if I were to leave, I would have to move back in with my parents who are extremely toxic to live with. I also have no idea what would happen with the cat or if my partner would be up for looking after him and giving him treatment.
For months now, I’ve had a little voice in the back of my head telling me to leave and put myself first. If I do, then they will have no support and will definitely break down. I don’t want to upset them by any means, and leaving them to deal with this disability alone feels like a monstrous thing to do. I love them with all my heart and want to be with them, however this is destroying us with no support from the government or the council without PIP. PIP unlocks carers support, carers allowance and access to so many things we need. I fear that if we continue down this road, we won’t end on good terms at all. I want them part of my life always – they’re my soulmate and best friend. I just don’t know what to do anymore. They are currently walking around the house sniffling out or crying from our conversation earlier.
Is it morally correct to step back from our relationship and allow myself to fix and come back, leave and stay friends or try and continue such a broken system? I’m more than happy to answer any questions if you need more context before you express your opinion. I’m so thankful that you’ve taken the time to read this post and feel free to comment what you wish – even if you think I’m an asshole.
UPDATE:
Thank you all for your lovely comments and opinions. We both caught each other awake at 5am stressing over the situation and we’ve come up with a game plan.
We discussed what we’re feeling and how we both want to progress. We discussed all your comments and decided that a real break is needed.
We are going to ask my partners dad to move into his house and we will pay our way until we find something more permanent in their families area. He has 2 spare bedrooms and a loft for storage – and owns his home. This will most likely be a yes.
For the next 2 months (if he agrees) we will be using a tap on tap off method of they will try to do everything themselves and theoretically ‘tap’ me on carer duty if the actually can’t do or finish a task. Fridays will also be just a me day to do what I wish with no caring duties.
The conversation was very tearful from their end – and admitting that all they wanted was me to be proud of them and their progress on working on themselves. They did this by cleaning the living room – just so they could prove that they can support me. I obviously made it clear that his is not what I wanted and all I want is for them to meet their basic needs and we could balance the rest of the household jobs together. They said that they’ve tried their best by doing everything to show that they know I’m struggling too and not to leave them and the relationship. We agreed that moving forward, they will use whatever energy they have on their basic needs and anything leftover on supporting the house work. I will be looking at jobs in their families area once we have the all clear from their dad.
It will be a hard road, but there is nobody I would rather do it with. They also admitted that they have started therapy that their dad is paying for privately and had their first session last Monday when they were staying with their family. They wanted to reassure me that they aren’t full of empty promises and will continue to try work on themselves so our relationship can be more equal in future.
They will also be spending a week at their parents house each month to give me to independent time – their mum agreed to pay for train tickets towards this.
Thank you again for everbodies comments, thoughts and suggestions. I really appreciate you helping us!