My BF and I are in our 20s and we’re long distance, I’m a few years older. We’re really trying to close the gap this year and he wants me to move to his HCOL city, as my career is remote and his is not. I am open to this and excited for it, but his financial situation is not matching the COL in his city. I don’t make enough to pay much more than half, and I honestly don’t want to. I also have had a side job for the last year. We decided it would be a good idea for him to pick up a second job a couple of nights a week. He found a great side gig and he’s been working about 8-10 hours extra per week.
The problem is, he can’t stand that he has to do this. We’ve fought about it a lot lately. He gets short and moody with me when he has to work, more distant. What’s prompted this post finally is that he’s been in a crappy mood about it for 3 days now! He says all he does is work, but I disagree. He may not have every Friday night off anymore, but he just went to a music festival and went out with his friends (in the past week alone). Every weekend, he has all of Saturday night and the full day Sunday to do as he pleases. He still lives at home and his parents don’t make him do much of anything, so his time is never taken up by domestic chores.
I take care of an entire apartment by myself, a pet, and manage my full time role alongside my side gigs (also about 8-10 hours a week). Sometimes I’m so tired from my job and of course I don’t want to do my side work, but I see it as an investment in my future. My BF is trying to use his side job to pay off debt he has so we can be more comfortable when we eventually move out…but I feel like his work ethic is terrible. I am all about financial freedom and I don’t mind putting in a little extra work to make my life easier. He is having a hard time seeing it that way, but won’t leave the job because he knows we cannot move out without that.
I have tried to be empathetic, as I don’t think we should be working ourselves into the ground. However, he has champagne taste and we can’t have that together without some side hustle money (from both of us!). I suggested maybe he stop working Fridays and just work a long shift Saturday, but he didn’t like that idea. I asked him if another type of side job would be more appealing and he said he didn’t know.
It makes me upset because it makes me feel like I have to be the provider. I am the one that is willing to work multiple jobs and squirrel away money so that we can be together and to him, the second job is just a huge inconvenience. He shows up late and they’ve begun to ask him if he’s okay at work, leading me to believe this crappy attitude is starting to show to his employer too. I don’t want someone to fully take care of me, but I do want someone who shows up with me as a partner to build something together. He is pursuing a well paying career, but he’s at the bottom of the totem pole for at least another year, so the second job would be necessary for at least that amount of time.
Before anyone suggests it, no he does not want to move to another cheaper city. His career and family are in this city, which to me is an even bigger reason to suck it up and work the side job, since he is pretty inflexible about where he’d like to live.
Am I being unfair to expect him to keep going to work and be nicer about it or am I being insensitive?