UPDATE: comments about how I should’ve thought about this before having a baby isn’t conducive to answering my question for where I am at currently. I can’t rewind and change the past and I wouldn’t even if I could, I have the best boys in the world.
We don’t combine finances nor do I pay anything as far as mortgage etc as my name isn’t on the house. I strictly pay my bills and contribute to groceries/kids. I have no debt and have saved a decent amount to hopefully put a down payment for a house.
I (35F) have been with my boyfriend (38M) for 12 years. We live together and have two sons together.
From the outside it probably looks like we’re already married. We raise our kids together and share a home. But the truth is we’ve never actually gotten married, and we don’t even combine our finances.
Over the years I’ve brought up marriage several times. Every time it comes up he says something like “we’re basically married already” or that getting married wouldn’t really change anything. He genuinely seems confused about why it matters to me.
But it does matter to me.
Lately I’ve started feeling like I’m stuck in this strange in-between place where I’m doing the role of a wife, but I’m still technically just a girlfriend. We’ve been together for over a decade and built a life and family together, but there’s still this lack of real commitment.
Another thing that weighs on me is the example it sets for our kids. I have two sons, and I don’t want them growing up thinking this is what long-term partnership looks like if one person clearly wants more.
Recently I told him that if marriage isn’t something he truly wants, maybe we should consider separating. I told him I don’t want to keep living as a permanent “live-in girlfriend.” When I say that, he seems genuinely shocked and says he loves me and that he isn’t with me out of convenience.
But at the same time, nothing actually changes.
After 12 years together, I don’t know how to interpret that.
My question is:
If someone truly wanted to marry their partner, would they have done it by now? Or are there people who genuinely feel committed but just don’t believe marriage is necessary?
I’d really appreciate hearing from people who’ve been in similar long-term relationships and how it worked out.