Hi,
Some context first. I recently came out of an 18-year relationship with the mother of my children. The breakup was difficult, but I knew the relationship wasn’t right for me. Since separating, we actually have a better relationship than we did for years.
Not long after, I started a relationship with a woman (42F) who I fell in love with very quickly. The relationship moved fast. We went on holiday abroad, I met her family and her kids, and I was integrated into her life early on.
She had told me before that she had ended past relationships over very small things, so I was always careful not to upset her. I rarely said no to anything. At the time I saw the fast pace as a good thing — I thought it meant she really wanted me in her life.
Looking back, there were some red flags early on, but I was naïve to them.
I genuinely believe she cared about me and loved me. She even told me I was the love of her life. But over time the relationship turned into constant arguments. Important moments and memories would get ruined by conflicts that never really got resolved.
Now I’m so confused that I don’t even know who was at fault anymore. I hate myself for how things ended and I’m willing to shoulder a lot of the blame.
One thing I struggle with is emotional regulation. When arguments escalated, I would often go into fight-or-flight mode and leave to go home so things didn’t escalate further. She seemed more willing to leave issues unresolved, but I always wanted to circle back to the problem and resolve it so we could set boundaries and move forward.
About a week before we split, I tried to do exactly that after learning in therapy that what I really needed wasn’t an apology — it was ownership and acknowledgment.
One example (small, but meaningful to me) happened while I was lying with my head on her legs. She was shaking her leg and I jokingly said if she kept doing it I’d bite her. I did a silly “Count Dracula” impression and slowly leaned toward her leg.
She kicked me in the face.
It hurt quite a lot. Instead of acknowledging that, she immediately said I was trying to gaslight her because I had threatened to bite her. She laughed about it and this all happened in front of her family.
She did say sorry, but it was framed as:
“Sorry I kicked you, but you were going to bite me and you’re gaslighting me.”
She doubled down on the gaslighting accusation and said I was trying to make her look like the bad person.
What I really needed in that moment was simply:
“I shouldn’t have kicked you in the face.”
Without justification or blame.
After several similar incidents, I decided to end the relationship because we seemed stuck in a cycle of arguments that was starting to seriously affect my mental health. I’ve found myself hating who I was becoming and I was confused about why, during arguments, I would lose compassion for her. I never wanted that — I just wanted to love her.
What makes this even harder is how suddenly things changed.
On the Friday before we split, she was telling me I was the love of her life, looking into my eyes, even keeping her eyes open while kissing me because she liked looking at me.
By Sunday she had blocked me on everything.
She briefly unblocked me to tell me I had “attacked her identity” in a message I sent during one of our arguments. I agree that I did. I said things about her character while I was emotionally overwhelmed and I deeply regret it. I had good intentions when raising issues in the relationship, but I handled it badly and I’m incredibly sorry for that.
The day after the breakup I sent her a letter explaining where I was emotionally. She described the letter as toxic and abusive.
Now I’m struggling with a lot of conflicting perspectives. My therapist has told me he believes I may have been in a relationship with a narcissistic or sociopathic personality and even said I should run. My sister also believes I may have been subjected to some kind of abuse.
But I can’t understand that.
I feel like I’m the abusive one. I feel like the monster.
I grew up witnessing and experiencing abuse as a child — both verbal and physical — so being called abusive cuts incredibly deep.
I was also recently diagnosed with ADHD (combined type) and I’m not yet medicated. My sister thinks many of my behaviours — especially emotional overwhelm — are connected to that.
The emotional swing from being told I was the love of her life on Friday to being completely blocked by Sunday has been devastating. It genuinely feels like physical pain.
For nearly two weeks now I’ve been breaking down every day. I’ve had multiple panic attacks, something I’ve never experienced before.
I’m desperately trying to understand what happened.
My instinct is to blame myself entirely and hate myself even more. Every time my phone buzzes I hope it’s her. I hope I run into her somewhere. Anything.
I’m also having some very dark thoughts just because I want the pain to stop.
My friends, my sister, and my therapist have all told me not to contact her. The truth is, I probably would try if I wasn’t terrified of getting another cold response.
She did say that although I’m blocked on WhatsApp, I still have her number “if I really need something,” which feels like the only door left slightly open.
I’m just trying to make sense of everything.
How do I get rid of this pain? I feel like I can’t carry on like this.
This woman loved me. At least I thought she did. Now it feels like I’ve been dropped like I meant nothing and that the connection we both felt was never real.
Am I a monster?
Am I broken and incapable of maintaining a relationship with someone who admired me so much?
TL;DR:
I left an 18-month relationship that moved very quickly and became a cycle of intense arguments and unresolved conflict. I struggle with emotional regulation (recent ADHD diagnosis) and said things during arguments that I regret. I ended the relationship for my mental health, but only days earlier she was telling me I was the love of her life. She then blocked me everywhere. My therapist and family think the relationship may have been abusive, but I feel like I’m the abusive one. I’m now dealing with panic attacks and trying to understand what happened.
Report after rewording.