so, for background, my boyfriend and i are both 19 years old and have been together since we were roughly 14 years old. up until recently, i would say we have always communicated well, gotten along, and rarely have arguments (though of course small ones have naturally sprouted over the years). its our first year of college now and we attend the same college. things seemed to be fine until i started noticing some differences starting around august/september 2025.
this had never been a problem before in the past, and he genuinely is a kind soul and sweet person, but he started calling me names (dumbass, an asshole, etc.) and having a short temper with me. for example, in august during my little sister's birthday party, me, some of our friends i had also invited (since my little sister loves all of them lol), and my little sister (who is 8 by the way) were playing with a balloon and trying to not let it touch the ground (typical fun game). at some point, i had slid on the ground to get the balloon and skinned my knee, accidentally knocking a can over on the carpet floor that belonged to my boyfriend, which i hadn't seen, and it spilled. he immediately yelled at me in front of everyone, calling me a dumbass, which i thought had been a little extreme (especially when it wasn't his house, it was my parents, who didn't care and were very understanding that it had just been an accident, and i of course cleaned it up).
little incidents like these have continued to occur up to this point, but i have always taken it as he's just stressed out with it being his first year of college and he has a lot on his plate. fast forward to october and i noticed he had been acting a little funny.
he had always been really vocal about our relationship when out of nowhere he told me he wanted to keep his personal life private and people didn't need to know about our relationship. i thought it was odd, but i of course respected his boundaries and said that was perfectly fine if that's what he wanted. around this same time however, i had been on his phone (he let me) to watch instagram reels while he was beside me doing homework when a funny message from a girl he met here at college popped up and i initially ignored it and slid up to get the message to go away, but instead clicked on it.
admittedly, i had been a little nosey at that point and read what their most recent conversation had been (and that was incredibly wrong of me, i know), and he was offering for her to come over to his dorm and do laundry (he gets free laundry at his) and her messages ended with a lot of "hehehes." it isn't anything too crazy i'm pretty sure, but it was a little odd i thought, and i only thought that more when he freaked out on me for looking at his messages.
i get it, it was wrong of me and i should've just exited the chat instead of reading the few recent messages, but he gave me the silent treatment until i went back to my dorm because he wasn't talking to me, and then he completely lost it on me over text. we eventually moved past this and he later apologized and i forgave him.
but fast forward another few months to current time and the name calling and yelling at me often for small things has continued, and i've tried to talk to him about it (asking him what's wrong and if it's because he is just stressed out because of school, communicating that while i know he doesn't mean to treat me that way it still hurts my feelings, etc.), but it always ends with him simply saying "i'm sorry it won't happen again i'll be better" but it doesn't change.
admittedly, all of these things have added up, so i broke up with him a week ago since i wasn't happy, but he took it horribly, and i got incredibly worried for his mental health and safety. he refused to eat, talk to his friends, leave his dorm and skipped his classes, etc., and after he begged me to take him back, i finally said okay. we have been back together for roughly 5-6 ish days now as the breakup only lasted a day or two before i broke and took him back because i couldn’t stand seeing how badly he was effected.
however, i'm just not happy, and i don't know what to do. i don't want to cause him any pain and i would feel so incredibly guilty, but i'm also just not happy in this relationship anymore and i feel a little trapped. i don't think this is healthy, but i don't know; is there any way to possibly salvage this and make it work out?
TLDR:
i (19F) have been with my boyfriend (19M) since we were 14. recently in college he’s become short-tempered, calling me names, and gets angry over small things. i also noticed suspicious behavior. after trying to communicate with no change, i broke up with him, but took him back because he reacted very badly and i worried about his mental health. now i feel unhappy and trapped and wondering if i can make the relationship work out.