Hi everyone. I’m posting this because I genuinely want to know if I overreacted or if this is actually weird.
I (25F) have been dating my boyfriend (25M) for about 5 months. Overall the relationship felt good, we spent a lot of time together, went on trips, and things seemed pretty serious, and I've already met his parents and extended family multiple times. (He hasn't met mine yet, but they live states away so that's understandable).
However, I had started to have this sneaking feeling come up every once in a while where I realized he might not actually know that much about me. Like something would come up in my life or I’d be talking with friends about a story from my past and I’d think, wow… he’s never even asked me about that. Things like my childhood, what my family dynamic is like, details about my work, or even the summer I spent living in another state for an internship. None of those things had really come up because he’d asked about them. At the time I kind of brushed it off. I figured maybe we just hadn’t gotten around to those conversations yet.
Maybe a little more context for how I found this out. Should I have talked to him about this in a different situation? Probably. But whatever it's too late now.
We were out at a bar with friends and we were definitely quite a few drinks in. At one point we called an Uber to go home, and when it asked for the drop-off address he couldn’t remember my address. This was a little weird because he had been to my apartment a lot and had literally put my address into his maps multiple times before, but hey its not a super memorable number so I brushed it off.
While we were outside waiting for the Uber though, something just came over me. Yes, alcohol was definitely involved, but I suddenly got curious and asked him if he knew my middle name.
Silence.
So then I asked if he knew my parents’ names.
Nothing.
Where I was born.
Nothing.
What I majored in in college.
Nothing.
At this point I was kind of half laughing, half horrified, so I kept going trying to think of other questions like if he knew my family cat’s name literally grasping for straws (he's a self proclaimed cat person).
Still nothing.
Meanwhile I knew the answers to all of those things, no matter how intoxicated. I know a lot about him — stories about his childhood, how his parents met, things from college, his favorite foods and desserts, etc. I’m actually the kind of person who keeps a note in my phone with little things about people I care about so I remember them later — like what he likes to order at different restaurants, random facts about his childhood, even what he wanted to be when he grew up.
I was never expecting him to get every answer correct on my "quiz" but not one?? Realizing he didn’t know any of those basic things about me felt kind of shocking. And that’s when it really hit me that my boyfriend of several months might not actually know much about me at all… and naturally I started sobbing on the sidewalk outside the bar.
We eventually went home and I tried to explain why it upset me so much. I told him it made me feel invisible, like I could basically be swapped in for any other girl. He did apologize for forgetting those things, but he didn’t really seem to understand why it was such a big deal. He mostly just kept saying he was drunk and that he wouldn’t forget again.
What hurt the most though was that in that moment he didn’t really try to comfort me either, at the bar or at home. He didn’t hug me or reassure me, and he didn’t say things he did know about me to show that I mattered to him. Meanwhile I was just crying and really emotional, and he ended up falling asleep while I was still crying.
Now it’s been a couple days and I’m honestly not even sure if I can get over it. So I’m curious what people think.
Is it weird that my boyfriend of 5 months didn’t know these things about me, or did I massively overreact because alcohol and emotions were involved?
TL;DR: Boyfriend of 5 months couldn’t remember basic things about me (middle name, parents’ names, where I was born, etc.) while we were drunk at a bar. I ended up crying because it made me feel invisible. Am I overreacting?
32 comments
5 months is a long time not to know these details. Sure, there are some things you haven’t had time to touch on yet, but your parents names?? What you majored in? This man does not seem to care much about you at all.
NOR, I have been in a relationship like this…. He was very attentive and affectionate. But over time I realized, he only wanted to talk about himself. Because he was sweet and superficially thoughtful it took me a while to clock it. Overtime I started to realize other things… not to toot my own horn but I’m a legitimately funny person. I started to notice he almost looked annoyed when I got a group laughing with one of my stories. I don’t even think he is a bad person, but he wanted to be the sun with a little moon circling around him. And that wasn’t for me
I think the important question is how important is it to you? How serious is the relationship for him vs you? Middle name is not the biggest thing, I mean, how often does that come up and many are bad at words. But that he could not remember your parents names or what you studied, that is a bit weird. How drunk was he? Can he answer it now after when he is sober?
What exactly was your expectation?
And yes it’s horrible. You’re not overreacting. You’re right to be upset.
Once, I was dating someone for 2 weeks (had been seeing each other a month), they introduced me to a coworker and completely mispronounced my name. To this day, 6 years later (we broke up like 5 weeks later) I haven’t corrected them.
Obviously some things you mentioned (like parents’ names or childhood pet’s name) are random and inconsequential things I wouldn’t expect someone to ask, know, or commit to memory. But given the extensive list of topics you mentioned, I’d say he’s just not that into you. At least not for who you are. He might like what you do for him, he might like having you as his girlfriend, but he clearly isn’t curious about or interested in the substance of who you are.
He doesn’t know your college major???
I was prepared to be like, look it takes a lifetime to tell someone everything that’s ever happened in your lifetime, I learn new trivia about my husband of ten years all the time, five months is not that long to have just not happened to be prompted on these things and if you want him to know things about you then you do have to, like, tell him them and not expect him to treat you like a homework assignment in history class, etc., but “what you majored in” is like… first date material latest. If he doesn’t have that, maybe excepting a pretty serious memory disorder, you gotta conclude he doesn’t care about you as a real person who meaningfully interacts with the economy.
A good follow up can be “what about me is most important to you?” Some people don’t remember some things well (although 0 for a lot is pretty damning.)
Hi all for additional context, these things we’ve absolutely talked about before. I actually have his middle name written down in my notes along with the story behind why he was named that. He’s met my parents over FaceTime before (and technically my family cat too, although that one was kind of a long-shot question anyway admittedly).
I’m in grad school and talk about my research pretty often, so even if he didn’t remember exactly what I majored in, he probably could have at least ballpark guessed it. And where I was born and how my parents met are interlinked stories that have definitely come up multiple times as well.
My ex after years of marriage probably could not have told you where my workplace was, who my boss was, or what I did at work. Some people just see everyone else as NPCs in the movie of their life.
As someone with a truly horrendous memory I tend to empathize with people who struggle to remember details they’ve been told, but… if he doesn’t know anything, as your partner, after five months, then I suspect he likes the way you make him feel, more than he likes you as a person. I don’t mean he dislikes you, I mean you’re evidently considerate and probably kind and you cuddle with him and have sex with him, and all that makes him happy. He’s not really interested in *you* as much as he is in just having that feeling when you’re around. I’m sorry girl, this would hurt my feelings.
This could be a major red flag of him being so unaware of your life.
Or it could be that these details just haven’t been topics of discussion. If after five months you’ve never discussed your parents names or where you were born, that’s kind of on you. (Come to think of it, I assume I know what city my partner of 16 years was born in, but I could be wrong.)
You choose your lines. But wow. I had multiple year relationships that didn’t include knowing parents’ names.
I was thinking you overreacted for each one but it got worse and worse. Not knowing your cats name is the final straw for me 😭
Being drunk might explain forgetting one thing, but forgetting everything is crazy.
Not knowing an address, I can forgive. I still have to look up my work address and I’ve been here for 3 years. People memorize *how* to get places, not the actual address. Parents names, birthplace, *family* cat’s name, meh maybe even your middle name after such a short period, still forgivable, especially under the influence of alcohol. Personally, I rarely ask about middle names until they come up naturally (seeing something with a middle initial and asking what the “P” stands for), and it’s possible it hasn’t been mentioned much in 5 months.
However, not knowing your college major is kind of crazy, assuming you work in that industry. I feel like that’s a pretty basic “get to know you” question.
what does the text in red say
sometimes using a vpn can solve issues with restricted access
i went through something similar with my ex
Definitely NOR. I was seeing a guy regularly for three months, like 2-3 times a week. We got into a minor disagreement and I said (jokingly) “you wouldn’t know, you don’t even know my favorite color!” And he says with a totally straight face and aggressive tone, “I don’t give a fuck about your favorite color.”
Luckily I’m in my 30s now and took that as it was meant- he didn’t really give a fuck about me. I didn’t stick around. And neither should you because this is little the bare minimum.
I’ve dated someone like that too. She couldn’t even spell my name right after 6 months. Break up while you can. All they do is talk about themselves, and care about themselves. You may think they’re sweet and nice, and they may be. But in the end, it’s just them in their world and you’re just the NPC tagging along making their life better. But it’s not reciprocated
Not overreacting 5 months in and he should know the basics about you.
I dated a guy for a year and he forgot my last name when someone asked. I was standing behind him and my friend looked at me and said that was so embarrassing on his part.
That was the moment I realized he and I would never work out. How could that happen??
He doesn’t care about you no matter how much he says he does. That’s insane!!
He’s a narcissist. Been there done that. You are of use to him, not of interest.
I don’t know. Most of the things you asked him weren’t a big deal. I have friends of 20 years and I don’t know their middle names. Because why the hell would I? Your parents names after seeing them once on Zoom? Really? You probably just call them mom and dad. Their cats name? LOL, just no.
Maybe the question about your major. Maybe. Even then, at that point, being drunk and overwhelmed, he probably didn’t want to give a wrong answer. As for not consoling you; If he thought you were being completely overly dramatic over the whole thing then I could see why he wouldn’t coddle you. 5 months isn’t a long time. Except for one or maybe two things in that long list of items he didn’t know, you come off as a little weird or clingy.
That’s just my opinion, anyway. Maybe you two just don’t click.
You’re not asking too much. I’m sad to say I married a guy like this and the not remembering details about you issue is usually just the tip of the iceberg on a self-centered personality. It was for my ex at least. Like him being unable to remember my birthday even after we were married wasn’t the worst thing he ever did, but it certainly contributed to feeling unimportant in the relationship. My current boyfriend remembers all those little details and it’s one of the many ways which he makes me feel loved and cherished. Don’t settle for less than that, you deserve to have someone love you back in the ways that matter to you.
Have you told him these things about yourself and he forgot? Or do you two never talk about you.
Someone with a really bad memory is not a good life partner. Neither is someone who doesn’t care enough about you to know your address.
One time, a guy I was dating for a year was picking up my prescription and couldn’t tell the pharmacist my birthday. He was in the driver’s seat and I was the passenger. The look on the tech’s face— I should have run right then and there.
I’m laying here beside my boyfriend of 9 years and realizing that while he knows so much about me, I would bet dollars to donuts that he does not know my middle name.
This will be unpopular but YOR imo.
Your address, your parents names, your middle name, your cats name..? Be forreal lmao.
Oddly specific details and is no way a measure of how much he likes you.
I’ll concede to him not knowing your college major might be a little off-putting (assuming it lead to your current occupation) but still.
>He didn’t hug me or reassure me, and he didn’t say things he did know about me to show that I mattered to him. Meanwhile I was just crying and really emotional, and he ended up falling asleep while I was still crying.
I don’t think there’s any coming back from this.
I think when you give so much so quickly at the beginning of a relationship, people get comfortable and feel they don’t need to ask or find out too much about their partner. I think it’s like if you move in together too quickly and become like a married couple, there’s no need to try and impress etc. Also it is down to their personality, he may not pay much attention nor really interested. which doesn’t make him a bad person just some people are indifferent about the details. Maybe you should talk more
My boyfriend and I have been dating for over 2 years and I’m still not immediately sure when his birthday is. I remember a lot of other (probably unimportant) things but for some reason the birthday never sticks. I have it written down so I won’t always forget it but as of right now, I’d still have to look it up lol