This is gonna be a bit of a long one!
My boyfriend and I (me F26, him M27) and I have been together for 3 years. We’ve known each other since high school and we had the same friends, but didn’t start dating until we were 23.
Before we started dating, we would occasionally make out or sleep together at parties (usually after a lot of alcohol), and he tried to initiate a relationship with me, but I wasn’t interested in a relationship at the time so declined. Things got a bit awkward after that, but I was living 8 hours away in a different city so it didn’t really matter that we didn’t talk much anymore.
Fast forward, I moved back to my hometown and was flatting with a bunch of strangers. I then had to move out of that flat, and decided to ask a bunch of friends (who were still living at home with their parents), to come live with me and look for a new flat. I asked him, and he was keen, so he and I along with two of our other friends all moved in together.
Things gradually built up and one night I decided to tell him that I had feelings for him and wanted a relationship. Note: I have extreme anxiety and sort of commitment issues so the next morning after I told him all this, I had a panic attack and told all my friends I thought I had made the wrong decision. (Am currently in therapy for my anxiety among other things btw)…
Anyway, I stuck it out through my initial doubtful phase and just tried to relax. During the first few months it was really great, we’d have regular sex and dates/flowers. The sex was always over really quickly and just chalked it up to this being his first relationship and being excited. When we were about 6 months in, we would argue a lot and I think half of it stemmed from us jumping both feet into this new relationship as we were also living together but also the sex, and then he told me that he had a porn addiction.
I told him that he needed to have a full detox from it, so that he could get realigned and focus his energy and attention on our real sex life, and to not use porn as a form of stress relief. He agreed, and stopped watching it. Unfortunately, nothing changed, the sex was still really bad (3-5 mins long), and he was just so not confident or dominant in the bedroom.
Over the years, I have communicated to him that I am dissatisfied with our sex life. He has gone to therapy a few times (a qualified sex therapist so it’s super expensive and he can no longer afford to go), has bought cock rings, bought the She Comes First Book, and now (after reading some shit on Reddit), edges every night to try and help his situation. He’s been doing this for like 8 months now, and again, nothing has changed.
Last night, we had sex for the first time in maybe a month, and yeah, I think it was the last straw for me. He offered me oral first but I declined (I also have sexual intimacy issues where I don’t feel comfortable communicating what I like/don’t like and am mainly focused on the other persons pleasure).
We’ve been living alone together for 2 years now, and I love him so much and we have such a healthy relationship in all other aspects apart from this. But it’s been three years now, and I don’t think things are doing to change.
I understand that I probably need to be more communicative and authoritative with him, but it feels hopeless and pointless when I know that ultimately, the sex is going to be bad. He’s only ever made me orgasm once. I also think that maybe I need to be with someone who’s more confident in the bedroom to make up for my lack of? But don’t want to have to expect that from someone else.
I want to stay and make this relationship work, but I cannot and will not accept that this will be my sex life for the rest of my life.
TL;DR: 3 year relationship, bad & quick sex – what do I do?