I met a girl online (I’m 29, she’s 30). We had previously interacted in larger group settings, but around mid-December, we started talking privately. We clicked instantly and got along perfectly. As time passed, we continued talking and became deeply attached to one another. We spent a massive amount of time together online: playing games, staying on calls for 10 hours at a time, saying sweet things to each other, eventually saying "I love you," having random calls, and so on. It felt very real, like she was genuinely interested in me. Three weeks ago, we made plans to finally meet face-to-face over the weekend, at her place.
The day before the date, I suggested we meet on neutral ground first during the daytime. I proposed this for very rational reasons: I was arriving quite late in a city and neighborhood I didn't know at all, and I thought we’d create a much nicer memory if we grabbed something to eat and took a walk before heading up to her apartment. Also, my social media pictures are from 2022 and don't show much; thinking rationally, the thought crossed my mind that she might not be physically attracted to me in real life. In my past experiences, romantic interactions usually happened after physical attraction was established in person. Maybe I shouldn't have thought that way.
However, her reaction to my proposal of going somewhere else first was incredibly cold, and she seemed extremely bothered by it. She gave me replies that I couldn't rationally process at the time: "I think I need some time because I have a really, really weird feeling," "I want my emotions back…", "The problem is I feel… I don't know.. empty? drained? I don't know how to explain it," "I would reply to every single message, but I can't. I'm being difficult, I'm sorry."
A few hours later, toward the night, we hopped on a call and talked until morning. Because I couldn't understand her reaction, I asked her very strictly and directly: why did the neutral ground proposal bother her so much, and did she genuinely want something serious with me? I wanted to build something serious, but my inner thoughts kicked in, telling me that no matter how much you talk online, it's best not to dive in blindly. This call happened literally the day before I was supposed to go to her place, and my probing questions made her cry pretty hard. She told me later, after I had returned home, that I questioned her as if she was only looking for a fling, even though we had previously (and briefly, in my opinion) discussed her moving in with me in my city somewhere down the line. I also told her something like, "Just pick a nice place for us to go, we'll eat, chat, and then go to your place," specifically so she'd know I still fully intended to go to her house, just adding a step to the initial plan. Besides thinking that a dinner date beforehand was cute, I was also a little afraid that she wouldn't like me physically.
In the end, I went to her city and we did exactly what I had proposed: we grabbed food, walked around the city, and only then went to her place. I stayed there the entire weekend. Everything was wonderful, and I had an excellent time. She was incredibly attentive to details, took care of me with small gestures (bought things she knew I liked), and gave me two personalized gifts that clearly took a lot of time and heart to make.
But after I left, I felt something was off. Two nights later, she sent me a 10-minute voice memo, crying, telling me she couldn't understand what got into me the night of that phone call, why I let those thoughts take over, why I doubted her trust, and how I could question if she wanted something serious in that manner. She told me she has a problem: when she feels such a massive disappointment and is brought to tears, she can't erase that moment from her mind. For her, that feeling of disappointment wipes away everything good that happened before it. She mentioned she didn't cancel the date simply because she didn't want to be the one to ruin everything, hoping that seeing me in person would make those thoughts go away. However, even though she had a perfect time with me, she still can't get past it.
Afterward, I sent her a long message apologizing. I explained that I realized it wasn't the right time to ask those questions, and that I only did it because I love her so much.
She replied with a longer message, which I've summarized into bullet points:
- Even though I've tried my hardest every single day not to dwell on it, I just can't stop these thoughts from spiraling.
- You completely pulled me out of my feminine energy; I felt forced to step into a masculine role just to reassure and validate you, which is a dynamic I've never been able to tolerate.
- Your insecurity completely shattered my own sense of safety and destroyed the foundation I was ready to build with you.
- Please believe me when I say that my biggest wish right now is to feel the way I used to feel about you.
- I'm not exaggerating I want absolutely nothing more than to get those feelings back.
- I felt like I had to abandon my feminine side and switch to a masculine energy just to help pull you out of your doubts.
- You are constantly on my mind, but I feel paralyzed and unable to change how I feel.
- For instance, I'll see a cool place or a fun activity and immediately think about doing it with you, but then the negative thoughts rush in and ruin the moment.
- I don't know how to shake off this mindset. I've never been able to work through it in the past; my coping mechanism has always been to just run away.
The problem is I don't fully understand what she means by these thoughts; it seems like she can't express herself clearly either. I figured that, fueled by my low self-esteem, when I asked about the neutral ground and changed the plan slightly, I triggered something deep inside her. I feel like I've lost a genuine love; initially, I felt terrible, I'm doing a bit better now, but I still miss her terribly and would do anything for her to try and move past this.