This is the place to put shower thoughts, your vents/rants about dating, requests for quick advice, serious (and sometimes not) questions and anything else that might not warrant a post of its own.
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35 comments
need new people who actually reply
How do women typically feel about single dads? I see plenty of love (or at least not minding) for single mums, but rarely much discussion on the dads. I’m 32 and am just now getting back into the dating pool for the first time since my daughter was born and, to be totally honest, I’m pretty terrified š
I hope everyone is having an awesome day and finds their happiness! We all deserve it and it will happen!
I recommend people in this sub read this article
https://open.substack.com/pub/cartoonshateher/p/theres-no-way-every-man-is-avoidant?r=qcljn&utm_medium=ios
Welp, there goes the relationship I was hoping for. Iād gotten mixed signals over the last 3 months, but he told me early on that he was a slow burn dater, so I thought things just needed to move at his pace. Lately things were slipping and I felt like he wasnāt interested. We had a great date the week before last, but he also stopped sending good morning texts, showing much interest in my day, etc. He turned down all of my attempts to make plans last week, then said he wanted to see me Sunday, but ultimately cancelled again because he had work travel Monday. One or both of us is out of town for the next 3 weeks, so it frustrated me. I decided to be an adult and address it.
I sent the dreaded multi-paragraph text yesterday. I kept it clear and blame free, explaining that I understood that he needed time for himself but that it also made me feel rejected. I explained my concern that he might see me as a hookup and not a prospective future partner, and said I needed a little more from him when weāre both traveling and offered easy examples. I reaffirmed my interest and desire to communicate rather than just cut things off, and I apologized for sending it while he was travelingā¦ and I got left on read. Itās been over 24 hours and Iāve not heard a thing. Heās not opened the memes I sent on IG later or viewed my story, but heās posted so heās definitely on his phone.
He talked a big game on how he wanted a partner to communicate with him and how everyone deserves to feel loved, but the very first time I said something wasnāt working for me, he ghosted, or at least went fully silent. Iām giving it a little more time as I know some people need to sit with information, but theres no world in which I can imagine not replying to a text like that if I genuinely liked someone.
Can I get some opinions on my hinge profile? A few people here gave me some great constructive criticism last time I asked, and I changed it up a bit. I am a 32 M and have been on Bumble for 2 years, and just joined hinge last year. So far I have not gotten a match or message from anyone. Do you think there is something wrong with my profile? Any advice or suggestions? I would greatly appreciate it!
I added the screenshots of my profile below along with all the photos I have of myself the past couple years.
[https://www.tumblr.com/blog/smithjoe43](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/smithjoe43)
Finally ended things with Mr. No Texts. He admitted to being sporadic and apologized. I feel so bad.
I feel like a failure – once again a first so promising relationship ended after two months. This is the fourth one in a row that ended after 2 or 3 months and I havenāt been able to make a relationship last longer than that after my divorce four years ago.
Iām shattered even though this time I was the one to end it. Iāve worked so much to try and heal myself and my attachment wounds and yet I feel nothingās ever enough and that Iād have to be perfect in order to have a healthy relationship.
Saw the guy I was dating on Bumble. We left things ambiguous and he said heās been focusing on dealing with personal stuff (and who knows if his profile was from beforeā¦though it shows a specific distance away so that seems to mean recent activity from my googling) but either way I think this is the kick I need to stop holding onto hope that heāll come back and say he wants to try again. Sigh
Stop kissing me unprompted if you don’t want to date me lol. I’ve had 2 first dates where a woman kisses me unprompted and then shows no follow through for a second date. I had another give me her number and then soft exited. Like, stop it!
Dating in your 30s is hard
I have a speed dating event next week. Usually there’s a lot of women and not very many men. Hope I meet someone interesting.
Hinge offered new options to me yesterday that was pretty nice. They let me set 3 free deal breakers for things that are usually locked behind their subscription (I refuse to pay). It turns out its a lot less mentally exhausting when everyone it shows me is liberal, doesnt have, nor wants kids š¤£
https://imgur.com/a/EWrJchA < screenshot of the menu
Second date is set up for Thursday!!! I’m excited š
Just last weekend I broke up with the best man Iāve ever been with. He made me feel so safe, comfortable, and loved; I was so happy whenever I was with him.
But he was poly, and I made clear that Iām after something serious and would only be okay trying poly if I felt the security of being a main partner. He agreed and it seemed like we wanted the same thing.
But he didnāt have time for me. A month went by with us barely seeing each other, but he kept seeing his other partner in that time. I set a boundary and I had to keep it.
Iāve been crying for pretty much 3 days straight. But yesterday bounced back and started casually flirting with my personal trainer. Still feel like crap, but back in the trenches I suppose š„²
May I request a Hinge profile reviewā¦inspired by another commenter in this thread. Iām taking a trip soon, so photo ideas are welcome as my friends will indulge me.
Thanks!
https://imgur.com/a/Bbq7ajI
Just had to get this embarrassing but wholesome story off my chest.
I (31M) had my date (28F) over (6th date) to make dinner together and watch a movie together. We have so much in common and could talk for hours, and I just really love spending time with her. We got handsy while cuddling trying to watch the movie, and we slept together. I should be counting my lucky stars to get to this point with such a wonderful woman, but our first time was kind of awkward. I think the main thing was that she likes the complete opposite things as my recent ex, so I felt out of my element in the bedroom. When we started making out, she told me I was going too fast and using too much tongue, and she wanted to go hard and fast in bed whereas I was more used to a more kissy and sensual lovemaking. I ended up finishing too early and she didn’t seem that pleased, and I was so deflated when she went home. Then she sent me a text later asking me if her being on top of me rubbing was painful, and I told her I found it really hot, and asked if we can call. So we ended up having a phone call where I opened up about being down about not being able to have a great first experience and feel like I underperformed, and she was being really sweet about it, saying we’ve only known each other for less than a month and it’ll take time to learn each other’s bodies, and that she’s physically attracted to me and wants to keep exploring things. Then she asked if I’m free to spend more time together on Friday night before she leaves for vacation Saturday. I felt like such a clown being insecure about it but I was touched by how mature she handled my emotional vulnerability.
Yesterday I [posted](https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/comments/1ri0wrv/comment/o879jlq/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button) about this guy I’ve beed dating for about six weeks. I last saw him two weeks ago and since then our daily texting was starting to feel like pulling teeth. He sent me a song every morning for the past six weeks.
Well, I didn’t get one this morning and guess what. Around noon, he finally texted that he’d been thinking a lot and even though I was a great person and he liked me a lot, he just wasn’t feeling the way he would like to feel and didn’t think that would ever change. Fair even if it read like an automated message. Frankly, I was relieved, I wasn’t completely sure about him either. But wait, there’s more. He apologized for texting instead of calling but it would’ve been hard for him to say it on the phone and he wasn’t sure he would’ve been successful in saying it. Wtf. Bitch, you work in sales. Your literal job is bullshitting people on the phone.
It honestly made me laugh out loud when I read that. And to think I was hoping it wouldn’t end via text, I was genuinely hoping to have a conversation in person. Oh well. I thanked him for sending me the text at least and said I was feeling the same way so no hard feelings, but if he’d called, it would’ve been a very easy conversation. Thanked him for being honest and not wasting time unnecessarily. Wished him well.
Moral of the story is I should absolutely trust my gut. Every fucking time. The past two weeks were incredibly painful, mentally and physically, because I was determined to ignore myself for someone else. My body was protesting. Crying all the time. The same thing happened when I was with my ex (we were together for almost six years, it ended over a year ago). I spent the last couple years of that relationship crying and not knowing why. Now I know why. I was so profoundly unhappy but I was too scared to leave because of so many WHAT IFs. What if I never meet anyone like him ever again. But then what if I meet someone better.
The pattern lately has been more and more people cancel last minute, but the excuses are getting creative? Itās like how many times in your life do you genuinely have car trouble and canāt get somewhere? 3 times? Lol. Itās going to get to a point where one week Iāll be chatting with 3 different people who all had some major life issue erupt and now we canāt get a coffee. Wow all of the men Iām chatting with have to work late this week? Theyāre all at the vet ER? Crazy.
What do you mean youāre texting me at 12:40pm that your 9-5 shift was moved to 1-9:30? Wouldnāt you have known that several hours ago, or even the night before? What do you mean you broke your toe hiking today on the hottest day of the year here and canāt get together in an hour? How are you suddenly on call for work and now canāt get together until 10pm tonight?
I want to give people the benefit of the doubt but usually I figure people want to cancel and need it to be a reason that isnāt their fault so I canāt be irritated. Likely itās 1) I donāt really want to meet you or 2) Iād prefer to meet someone else tonight or 3) I just want to hook up so Iām switching the date last minute.
I just rarely flake on dates and if I do I am honest that I changed my mind, or try to muscle through to give it a go. š¤·š¼āāļø itās annoying when I have to plan my day or week out to free up time to date and this happens.
Edit: I feel the need to tell the story of this guy from Hinge who I lightly stalked to make sure he was a real person, and discovered from IG he has a twitch. He told me he was cancelling because he twisted his ankle. I check his twitch, heās streaming, and walking around between his desk and kitchen just fine. I text him like āoh howās the foot?ā And he responds heās on the couch icing it š. I canāt believe I got flaked on so he could stream Marvel Rivals to 2 people.
Iām having some serious anniversary effect from getting blindsided last year after kinda being treated like a girlfriend for a month. It turns out he did want a girlfriend- but the one that heād just broken up with :ā) has anyone else had this happen? Tbh finding that out down the line brought me some peace
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Does anyone ever consider moving to meet someone? I donāt mean someone youāve spoken to online long distance or something similar, I mean just picking up and heading somewhere totally different because you just donāt think thereās anyone for you in your area. Has anyone done it? Am I watching too many hallmark movies?
Guy is was dating doesnāt have capacity right now due to his kids needs and some shifting parenting things. I totally get it, but I am struggling to not reach out, the connection was so good so early. I told him heās welcome to come back if things change and I guess thatās all I can do.
I’m happy with myself for staying detached from someone that doesn’t really engage or seem intentional. It’s the first time I dated someone I met in person in a long time, but when she’s a decade younger, it becomes clear she’s in a different life stage when it comes to dating (even though she prefers my age range due to “more life experience”). I just read her underwhelming text messages that she takes a full day to respond with no reciprocation of interest or planning the next date and thought “you know what, there’s nothing to respond to here” (not ghosting, just matching energy). She seems cool otherwise and I’m not writing it off, but I remind myself I barely know her and my energy is served better elsewhere.
Then I have a first date planned from OLD who is the same background as my ex, and it’s hard to dance around how I know the culture and language so well. I chalk it up as I have a good number of friends with the background (true because I was in my ex’s friend group and from my past workplace), and I wouldn’t actually care because I’ve never even considered getting back with an ex in my life, but I’ve dated people who have really overblown the impact of my dating history into the present. It’s like I’ve been made to feel guilty for liking brunettes just because I had an ex that was brunette – why should that part be important?
Anyway, I’m sure I’m in my head about it, because I haven’t even met this person yet. She could be perfectly cool. But if you’re reading this and you hypothetically dating someone, how uncomfortable would you feel if that person knew your background/culture/language from an ex?
Getting ready to have a deep conversation with the girl I’ve been talking to for two months. We’ve already talked a few times about what this is, but I’m still having trouble wrapping my head around it because I’m not used to such a slow pace. We usually call on Fridays, but I haven’t initiated that yet this week in hopes that she might step up. Wish me luck.
We had sex the other day, technically our 4th date and I think things are still going at a good pace. I take the sex as an added bonus as I enjoy talking to her and hanging out.
Iāve been having trouble fully jumping back on the apps. I made my profile visible again but I canāt hit the match button on anyone, for some reason starting that first convo is always hard for me. Any words of encouragement would be amazing!
Had my 3rd date with 38M Saturday. We cookef dinner, watchef a movie, made out a lot. No sex (I was on my period), but he clearly wanted to. Duh. I wanted to, but not when I’m on my period.
Slept over, cuddled all night. He walked me to the train station in the morning, holding hands, taking a detour through his city. He got a little drunk during the night, which wasn’t very appealing. Mainly because it reminded of myself, and my relationship with alcohol (it’s hard to stop, once you’ve started). I’ve never seen him drink alcohol before.
We kissed at the train station (a lot), and he expressedly said “I want to see you again”, and we agreed to see each other on Saturday again. I’m travelling this week, so i won’t be home before Saturday.
Just had a small text exchange with him. Got my dopamine up. But I am so anxious when I don’t hear from him. I am convinced he’s changed his kind about me. It’s a 100 percent me-problem. I’ve had burns in the past, and can be very insecure. It sucks, but I gotta remind myself, that what he says he’ll do is more proof of his interest, than my paranoid thinking.
So to sum it up: he’s really interesting, I’m insecure as I’ve always been, and I’m trying to relax in the relation.
I’m going on a third date tonight and I suggested to do an activity like skating but she declined saying she doesn’t want to do anything active. I’m thinking of asking her what type of man she’s looking for because I feel like I haven’t learned too much about her outside of the surface items like what she does for work or what one of her hobbies are. However I don’t want to turn this into an interview. Would it be rude if I asked her “What are you looking for in a partner?” I want someone who is active, and willing to try things together with me. It doesn’t have to be playing sports or going to the gym together, but it’s better than just constantly eating at a restaurant and chatting.
If all my current matches fizzle out, I just found out there’s a random “show up to this bar and kiss strangers in a photo booth while pictures are being taken” thing happening in my city a few times this month. So I guess that could be fun?
Have a first date tonight I’m *very* excited about, but on a current streak of the last two first dates I asked for a second they politely turned me down. So hoping for the best, but I’m already prepared for the worst š¤§
I want to date because Iām lonely and donāt have many friends, just moved to a new area and going out on dates is something to do. But itās also very obvious to me once we get to date number 2-4+ that I canāt keep up. Emotionally and life situation-wise Iām not at a place where I can really āgo thereā with someone. Wondering if I should put the entire date thing on the back burner until things change or improve at least marginally.
I am relocating to Europe for work ( perhaps permanently if I liked it there ), I feel that it’s going to make the dating experience even more alienating. While it’s more accepting of me being queer ( bisexual ) but I fear that it might also lead to isolation, considering in certain parts of India it was really easy to date.
the idea of someone choosing me as a FWB sounds so alien to me lmao
The ideal dating website (for me) would have as many different personal interests as Bumble but with the ability to directly answer quotes like Hinge. I get more matches on Hinge because it actively gives me a chance to communicate with a potential date which is a god-send for someone who isn’t a head-turner. But because there is barely any way to tell what their interests are, it’s a crap-shoot. I end up texting women only to find out we have fuck-all in common
I donāt want to be physically intimate with someone Iām just dating and even if we are exclusive I want to wait until there are obvious signs of longevity in the relationship. Itās not because Iām religious but because my body is the most precious thing I have and just a choice..however I think the expectation has been sex on the third date or so my question is : when is the best time to communicate that to a guy ??