My partner (32M) and I (29F) have been together almost 3 years, living together ~1.5. For the last year and a half I’ve had a series of sexual health issues: recurring yeast infections, UTIs, antibiotics, and now vaginal pain/atrophy‑type symptoms. Penetrative sex is sometimes possible, sometimes very painful. I’m on a treatment plan but it’s slow and inconsistent.
I’ve thrown everything at this: appointments, meds, tracking symptoms, supplements, reading books, couples therapy, trying different things in bed, and pushing myself into sex when I can. My libido has tanked from pain and stress. And I feel heartbroken about it; sex used to be easy and something I really enjoyed, and this has felt like an unexpected loss of a part of myself.
My partner takes a good minute to orgasm. Even before my issues, he took much longer than anyone I’ve been with (like 30-60 minutes of direct stimulation depending on what we’re doing). Even on the best of day, that last 5-10 minutes of pounding could be painful. Now, with my pain and limits, his preferred script (penetration or long oral until he finishes) often just isn’t possible, or isn’t possible for as long as it needs to be for him to finish. I also physically can’t give long blowjobs because of a small mouth and TMJ. When I do, it hurts and leaves me exhausted.
I’ve suggested alternatives: mutual masturbation/parallel play, him doing more of his own stimulation while I stay engaged, “tag‑teaming” instead of me carrying him all the way to orgasm every time, and broadening what counts as sex. He consistently finds these “too soft” or unsatisfying and is uninterested in trying. He wants “real sex,” which to him basically means intercourse or oral / hands ending in his orgasm.
Tonight we had a big talk about sex (initiated by him). I was hoping for realistic problem‑solving… Instead, he mostly talked about how sexually unsatisfied he is, how we don’t like the same things, how he wants rougher sex (slapping, choking, etc.), and how he feels he’s always “catering” to me and just wants to “receive.” He criticized my blowjobs and implied I get too in my head, when from my side I’m genuinely giving 100% with the body I have. Like… doing the best I can and incorporating all the tips and feedback he’s ever given me.
In the heat of it I said, “Maybe you should just sleep with someone else then,” and he replied saying he’s thought about it. Later, when I pushed again for solutions (instead of him just repeating how unsatisfied he is over and over), he brought up sleeping with other people again as an option. He says he doesn’t want to break up and that everything else is great, but he’s very unsatisfied sexually.
I feel gutted. It’s not the conversation I was expecting to have. A few days ago he told me he wished I “would stop beating myself up about it”, and now I feel entirely inadequate after doing everything I can think to do.
What really hurts is that he won’t look at his side at all. He doesn’t seem to be able to see the length of his orgasm or the rigidity of his script / definition of sex having a role in anything. I hate that we’re going through. I think about it every day. Acknowledge it often. Am grateful that he’s been patient. But this conversation just did damage to my self-esteem and my concept of our relationship. He feels so inflexible, and now the mention of sleeping with other people (not anything he’s brought up before) has left me feeling quite less than… probably more than I’ve ever felt sexually in my life. I asked him if he felt satisfied before the medical issues kicked in, and he said he had been… so it doesn’t sound like it’s purely me, but who’s to say.
I think I would really appreciate some male perspectives, and maybe some kind words.
42 comments
Long post… but thanks for reading 🙂
not a guy, but… this isn’t a “you” thing. his difficulty reaching orgasm is every bit as much of an issue as your challenges with penetration.
30-60 minutes is a LOT. i don’t want to shame him – we all have our issues- but i absolutely reject the idea that this is just on you. frankly, that much abrasion could be CAUSING the other problems you are having. m
that doesn’t make it his fault, but it does make it spectacularly shitty that he’s willing to act like it’s yours.
He sounds shitty tbh very “me, me, me” “I, I, I” you cannot help what’s going on with you and are trying your best to still be engaged. Him saying he’s thought of sleeping with other people, to me personally, means he’s considered cheating. If he will not work with you on a solution and remains inflexible, the relationship is bound to break.
You are wonderful and deserve a partner who is understanding and will do everything they can to help/work with you, not someone who makes you feel shame and guilt. Prioritize yourself 💕
I am very sorry for what you are going through…sending hugs your way🫂 things will be fine…you can try looking into the supplements way or adding some specific foods to your diet to try and solve some of the problems (I am Not a medical professional) …But I also get how sexually frustrated he can be…just talk to him and you guys should try and find a middle ground , sex with other people is not the best choice…Is anal possible?
Literally none of this is your fault. You are with an immature and inconsiderate partner. It’s not going to get better because he is unable to empathize with your situation. Do you seriously want to resign yourself to this forever? You absolutely deserve much better treatment from a romantic partner. I’d get rid of him.
I have delayed orgasm like your guy. I would never in a million years put that on my partner. When my partner can’t bring me to orgasm, we do exactly what you suggested which is my partner giving as much as they can then I finish myself off with them touching other areas like my abs or thighs for example. From your account here, you’re trying to offer all the right solutions. I take issue with the idea that sex has to be centered on and end with his orgasm, especially since he has DE. In relationship counseling, have you discussed sensate focus therapy? Also have you both read[Come As You Are by Dr Emily Nagoski](https://www.simonandschuster.com/books/Come-As-You-Are-Revised-and-Updated/Emily-Nagoski/9781982165314)? From your post it seems quite apparent that opening your relationship is not for you.
Maybe he should get checked. He could have a tight or weak pelvic floor that’s prolonging his orgasm.
This sounds like sexual incompatibility to me. Does your orgasm feature in his script at all?
It sounds like you’re dealing with a lot of pain and stress and emotional labour around this issue, and that can’t be helping the underlying health issues. It doesn’t sound like he’s particularly kind, understanding, or supportive in how he talks about it.
As painful as it is, this may be the time to start thinking about changing the terms of your relationship. Exactly what that best looks like depends on many factors, but I don’t think this issue is going to be solved by having more or different sex. He’s being inconsiderate and uncompromising, and it’s hard to work with that. Couples therapy may be worth another try if you’re really committed to making it work.
Have your healthcare professionals told you what the causes for your yeast infections and UTI’s might be? I’m wondering if your partner is taking good hygienic care of things on his “end”.
Sorry to hear about your medical issues and I hope you get them resolved soon. Not male but you kind of said it all. He’s to rigged in his definition of sex, he takes way to long to orgasm 60 minutes my parts hurt just thinking about that, and he refuses to compromise in anyway. Sooner or later he’s probably going to cheat, he’s basically already to you that, so be ready for that. You need to decide if you can live with a guy who treats you like this. I get sex is important but if he truly cared for you he’d try and work it out by compromising and experimenting not runny to another women. You’ve offered multiple ideas and he’s offered nothing.
Does he have a porn addiction
i know this is going to be an unhelpful comment but seriously good luck to him in finding women that are not emotionally bound to him willing to put up with 60 straight minutes of piv or oral. my parts & jaw are locking up in pain just thinking about it. this is definitely not on you. he sounds unwilling to compromise when all you are doing is compromising.
Could your partner be the cause of your utis and yeast infections? He may be cheating behind your back, and saying hes thought about it’ is the closest you’ll get to him admitting to it.
He sounds selfish and uncaring.
I’m someone that advocates for a higher libido partner to act when there’s a dead bedroom. But this is not that!!
I’m a 44yr old sex positive male who understands a fair bit about different sexual tendencies and drives, but I fail to understand how someone won’t work with their partner when one partner has a temporary issue.
If you are doing the things needed to try and resolve what your body is going through, then this is a team effort and he needs to be accommodating and work with you.
That effort to work together on the issue is the base line!!! Not the compromise.
There is a reason prostitutes charge more for PSE than GFE, even though it’s mentally more a lot of the time for GFE. Because long porn star experience fucking can need some recuperation.
Edit to add: I take that long often also, and I expect that I’m not going to come all the time. Expecting someone else to do the work or cop the pain every time is quite frankly, fucked.
That relationship isn’t serving you. I think your recurring UTIs might have something to do with his hygiene. Plus, his sexual issues have nothing to do with you.
Also, you fall sick and his response is to start sleeping with other people? I hope he doesn’t expect you to stick around for him if and when he falls sick.
You need to rethink about your partner. It’s really important right now. Love always prevails over sex if it’s true.
Don’t listen to the spuds on here who’ll tell you “he’s waited long enough.” If that’s your outlook on someone you’re meant to care about, then you’re just as much of a fucking dropkick as OP’s “partner.”
Firstly, I’m sorry you’re dealing with these medical concerns. Physical intimacy is vital, and a lack of fulfillment will obviously put a strain on both partners. However, do not blame yourself for being unable to “complete” every act. There are things both men and women simply cannot control when it comes to their bodies. You’ve done the right thing by offering alternative methods of interaction to ensure his gratification while you work through your own health.
You are not the one at fault here. It’s important to note that taking an hour to reach completion through direct stimulation is a massive amount of time. I’d imagine that’s uncomfortable for most women, let alone someone dealing with the conditions you’re navigating. That is something he should be looking into.
I would never make my partner feel less worthy of love and protection because she isn’t “catering” to my needs. That is an absolute dropkick take. It sounds like he’s mourning the loss of a specific type of gratification and taking his frustration out on the person he’s supposed to care for most. In a committed relationship, it’s his responsibility, whether it’s a broken leg or vaginal atrophy, to adapt and support.
He is putting you in an impossible situation. Unless he wakes up to himself, your only options are to endure more pain to keep him “satisfied” or live with the anxiety of him being with others. If you’ve given 100% without compromising your own well-being and he is still unwilling to budge, then he isn’t a partner, he’s a consumer. You’re worth more than that.
From man perspective – this guy sounds like asshole. Its all about him and he doesnt take your perspective into consideration at all. I wonder how good his jaw would feel if he spent 15 minutes showing you with a dildo(with his mouth) how he wants you to give him a head?
You have some medical problems which may(and likely are) be related to his ‘stamina’ due to stress he puts on your body. Your libido tanked and you have no fun from sex. He is so vocal hos not satisfied he is , but what about your satisfaction? Does he care?
Well, he is not wrong on one thing – its all about him and ball is on his court, you are already doing your best to satisfy him and even sacrificing your health. Is he even trying to get you off and make happy in bed for example by going down on you? Also he should try to address his problem with delayed orgasm – expecting partner to endure marathon intercourse sessions is not realistic at all. Not sure what could help – maybe cockring, maybe finding good angle and position? Well, its still up to him to figure this out.
Do you have a history of the UTIs, yeast infections, etc.prior to getting involved with him?
Op look into estrogen pessaries to help with your physical symptoms you mentioned they are 🪄✨ and could stop all those symptoms… sending hugs ❤️🩹
This situation is the equivalent of mismatched libidos. I don’t see yours being fixed in a short time. On top of that, he seems to value sex highly, whereas not all people do and can easily make compromises. If this is indeed a multi-year issue, you likely won’t make it. I’d suggest dealing with this as if you guys just have mismatched libidos and finding someone that isn’t as sexual since even with alternative ways to orgasm, your energy will not match, causing a lack of enthusiasm, and ultimately frustration
Have you tried:
1 – Silicone based lubes like Exxtreme Glide Silicone, Pjur Backdoor, Uberlube…? (Since we started avoiding water based lubes to prevent the irritation provoked by the osmotic potential imbalance with the body, my wife’s UTIs went from one every one or two months to once or twice a year).
2 – Vaginal flora pills? (the ones you insert in the vagina)? (it really helps to balance the bacteria and fungi greatly benefiting natural lubrication and preventing chafing for both of you).
My 2 cents.
Do you have an IUD? My wife had chronic yeast infections and UTIs while she had her IUD, but they all cleared up almost immediately after she got it removed. I got snipped and we’re both much happier now.
This isnt a compatibility issue, if you were simply just having a far lower libido that would be compatibility.
You have medical problems that make sex anywhere from very uncomfortable to painfully impossible so if he wants to put his “need to finish a certain way” over your health and wellbeing then sorry to say but he’s a being a selfish prick.
His duration also sounds like he has a problem with gripping the pole too hard and too often.
Maybe you could get physical therapy for your pelvic floor.
Do your health providers have the context of long sessions of penetrative sex that become painful? There seems like a common-sense link between that and issues like UTIs, yeast infections etc.
How good is his personal hygiene including hands?
I could go on forever about how awful his attitude to your pleasure and consent is, as in he seemingly DGAF about either. But I’ll keep it to – it sounds like he watches a lot of porn and probably uses a death grip while jerking off. He’s desensitised and is demanding that you accommodate that despite pain and lack of enjoyment.
How happy are you in this relationship? At the least there’s sexual incompatibility. Worse, he has no interest in working with you to improve that. At the worst, he’s physically and emotionally harming you every time you have, and now talk about, sex.
Rigidity and self-centredness like this don’t magically get better. Frankly it sounds like he is angling for an out, and probably has someone in mind to ‘enjoy’ his attentions.
Imagine having a partner who cared, supported you and your health, and worked with you to find mutually enjoyable and satisfying sex and intimacy. It’s possible. Not with this guy though.
It sounds like you may be experiencing GSM (genitourinary syndrome of menopause,) due to perimenopause. I was having much of the same issues as you though I am much older but perimenopause can start in the late 20s early thirties. The treatment is usually vaginal estrogen via a suppository, cream, tablet, or estrogen ring device.
Im so sorry that you are going through this.
Me and my boyfriend are going through something similar but mostly on his side that it hurts
We havent been able to have sex for a while eather but i would NEVER suggest sleeping with someone else. Neither would he.
The problems you are having is not something you asked for, you want to be healthy as well and have sex without pain.
Please dont give in to his suggestion and start being selfish like he is. You have tried enough and done enough suggestions.
This guy is giving bizarre mixed messages. One day don’t beat yourself up about it, then later saying he is thinking of sleeping with someone else. He seems to insist on sex that is on his terms, despite what it costs you.
I think you need to face the reality of the way he is treating you. Sorry he is treating you like this – no one deserves that.
Maybe you should separate. It sounds like you guys are sexually incompatible and he seems very selfish in this matter.
The fact that as a man he is willing to discuss this is a positive sign though, men like my father or uncles and the generation of men I grew up around, are so misogynistic they wouldn’t spend a second discussing any of this.
They’d just replace the problem.
Sex is the number one factor that drives men into relationships, and in most cases what keeps them there. if it is failing in any way or falling short, they simply replace. Men aren’t very complex. And if this issue is escalating this far this early (while you’re both still so young) it’s possibly best to split up.
Our bodies tend to tell us things before our minds come to the same conclusion. I bet your sexual health issues will cease upon ending it with him. He’s not a good partner and you two clearly aren’t compatible.
Your health issues aside, this dude is a selfish jerk. **He feels he’s always catering to you and he JUST WANTS TO RECEIVE** says it all.
Time to move on, you’ll never have a mutually supportive and satisfying relationship with him. Don’t ignore the huge red flags he’s admitting to.
And the stress his attitude is creating most certainly exacerbates your health struggles. Time to flush your system of his negativity, you deserve so much better.
Are you on a contraceptive pill? Your issues sound very similar to what my wife’s were when she was; recurring thrush infections, consistent vaginal soreness and dryness, libido dropped to nothing and affects to her mental health. She’d also say “well go and sleep with someone else” in the heat of the moment too, which would upset us both. We switched to condoms after 3 or 4 years of this and our sex life drastically improved almost overnight.
On the other hand, the way your partner is handling this is pretty poor. He needs to compromise way more on what are essentially his “wants” and focus on your “needs” way more. This is a problem to be solved together rather than something to pressure you over. All that will do is push you away, which it sounds like it already has started doing.
I hope you find a way to get through this in a way that’s a satisfying resolution for you first and foremost.
I’ve been down this road before with a past partner. I loved her, we had a great time together, we were best friends. But the sex became completely unfulfilling for both of us. What we wanted just too different, and her body couldn’t accommodate it.
The options were:
* meet in the middle sexually, leaving both of us dissatisfied
* focus on just what I wanted, leaving her unhappy
* focus on what she wanted, leaving my unhappy
* trying to balance or play which days I got what I wanted, which days she got hers
None of it worked. It just led to resentment, sex feeling like work, me feeling guilty for wanting sex, her feeling guilty for not being able to give it. We read books, tried different things, everything. It made sex feel like a burden rather than something enjoyable. When we did have sex we were both walking on eggshells. It was truly terrible.
Sexual compatibility is a huge part of life and being satisfied in a relationship, so we had to end it. Despite everything else being great, this was too big a hurdle to cross.
The reality for you is, his desires are what they are, they are rigid, and they won’t change. Trying to get someone to change their sexual preferences like that is like conversion therapy, it just doesn’t work. We are who we are. And even if you truly love someone, and empathize with what they’re going through, having to suppress all your sexual desires never ends up being good.
I know some couples in similar situations who have been able to make ENM work, but I don’t have the emotional bandwidth for multiple partners.
The path I see for you two is: Accept you’re not sexually compatible and break up, or open your relationship and let him get the sex elsewhere, while keeping the rest of the relationship as is. If you keep going as you are, you’ll just both end up hating each other. The most likely scenario is you two end the relationship.
I know this sounds harsh, but I’m saying this all out of kindness. This is a shitty situation for everyone involved, and none if this is anyone’s “fault”.
You guys are incompatible. A lot of people try to assign blame, but besides in very few clear-cut cases where there’s lacking hygiene or education on one party’s side, it’s totally pointless.
The reality is he has his preferences. They’re not going to change. I disagree with him about what real sex is (I’m a guy), I think it’s more about the emotional intimacy, which sure, also happens to be very pleasant and intense with penetrative sex. But it’s not the only way to get that, far from it. There are dozens of distinctly different ways to have sex. But that might be something to aim to teach to the next generation of boys and girls – an actual adult who’s unwilling, isn’t going to be able to learn this. I’d say expecting your partner to want to change his preferences so drastically is unethical, whether we’re talking societal or your expectations of him. He just needs someone who’s willing to do what he wants *and vice versa*. Like of course, there are issues resolveable with therapy, but you two are too far apart. Obviously pushing you into doing stuff that hurts or you don’t want to so isn’t going to work, because you’ve been trying exactly this and pushing yourself and we can see all it did was make you miserable. Pushing him into changing his preferences for 30+ minute BJs or PiV *when he’s unwilling* is definitely unethical and is also definitely not going to work – at most it’ll leave him with a vague sense of shame about what he wants. If he was willing to explore other inclinations he has or if he thought 30+ min was just too much and wanted to work out psychologically why it might be like that, sure, but he doesn’t.
You should split up. There are many men who’d be absolutely fine with your efforts in bed. At least you genuinely care about your partner’s sexual needs and are willing to put in effort – this won’t go unnoticed when dating, I can assure you the contrast with women who dgaf about their partner is glaringly obvious.
He can sleep with others without you. Take care of yourself, and then look to start another relationship. This one doesn’t sound like it’s healthy for either of you.
he sounds exactly like someone who has an underlying porn addiction. and even if he doesn’t, i’d still break up with him, like..yesterday. this just sounds like a whole lotta selfishness from him, all around.
Try hygiene hero vipstick for dryness, I’m 40 had vaginal birth, and my problem before was sex is painful. I use it, I’m on my second tube, put it on after an hour my body is aroused. I use it after showering to moisturize the labia.
60 minutes is insanity. Like absolutely no. This sounds a lot like a porn addiction.
Also he’s an asshole
He’s cheating on you, that’s why you keep getting them.
Unethical life protip: your husband sounds like a sex pest who’s got death-grip syndrome and thinks sex should always revolve around his orgasm. Many women find that unacceptable.
So, let him sleep with someone else. She won’t like it any more than you do, and his ego will get damaged.
Oh, you should also divorce. I say that as someone with a chronic illness that often disrupts sex and still has a loving partner.
Guy here, sorry to hear you’re in that position. Sounds like you’re doing everything you can to work with the situation you’ve got and doing your best to adapt with the health issues coming up for you. Within all that to hear him wanting to sleep with other people, I think anyone in your position would feel hurt. However, don’t forget that the responsibility of good sex isn’t solely on you, you guys are a team, and it sounds like you’re carrying a disproportionate amount of that responsibility.
I’m not sure how much of this applies to your partner, but in the past my idea of what sex could be was quite narrow, so as a result things like mutual masturbation or “tag teaming” didn’t feel as satisfying or as good as piv or oral bc they were outside of my idea of what sex “should be”.
I also lasted a long time like your partner and found for me personally what made me last so long was part underlying anxiety around sex, and part not being grounded and in my body. So my focus was solely on finishing to feel satisfied and not on the pleasure I was feeling in the moment, and the feeling of connection with my partner for satisfaction.
I wonder if either of these ring a bell.