My husband has a female boss, and on more than one occasion I’ve found messages of him referring to her as gorgeous. Like “don’t worry about it gorgeous, we can take care of it” and also weird emojis that feel out of place.

Am I wrong for being uncomfortable with this and asking him to stop, or is it weird behavior? We’ve been married for two years and our anniversary was yesterday…

He also didn’t have an explanation he just sat there laughed and shrugged it off like it’s not a big deal

Edit: also how do I make him understand why it makes me upset???


40 comments

  2. Oh…it’s a BIG fucking deal. Completely inappropriate and she could call HR about this.

    Does he call YOU gorgeous, by any chance??

  4. That’s cringy. I’m surprised your husband hasn’t been called into HR over this yet. If I was your husband’s boss, I would be nipping that in the bud.

  7. Totally inappropriate.

    Also – he understands exactly why it makes you upset. He just doesn’t care.

  8. Start calling guys hot or sexy. Not celebrities. People you know. So and so is looking so hot. Would he laugh and shrug that off? What if you called them a hottie to their face when you’re all hanging out? Would he feel uncomfortable, embarrassed, jealous? I wouldn’t ask him I would just start doing it.

    You shouldn’t ever have to convince him as to why something makes you uncomfortable or upset. If someone disregards your feelings they don’t care about you.

  9. If she hasn’t sent him to HR talk to him about it and she’s eating up the attention that is another red flag. Make your feelings known now and set a firm boundary or this will get worse and you’ll feel worse

  10. Does he talk to other women this way?

    Would he mind if you called another man gorgeous in conversation with them?

    It seems at best unprofessional, depending on the type of workplace.

    There’s a certain type of married man who conveys that he’s open to flirtation with other women. Sounds like your husband is that type.

  11. Oh hell no! Nope nope nope! It’s one thing to notice it’s a whole other thing to flirt!

  13. Yeah that’s weird not just cause he’s married and it’s his boss, but even if those factors were removed, tell him it sounds like he’s being a brown noser/a suck up.

  14. I agree with some of the posts above. Though petty, (maybe he doesn’t get how much it bothers you), when in the presence of other men, maybe a brother in law, close friend, call them ” love, babe, handsome, etc”. Something that would show intimacy/ term of endearment, and see if that helps.
    As a boss she should be taking care of the way he addresses her, but it does seem like she likes it, if she hasnt stopped it.
    This behavior can get out of hand real quick so I would definitely take a stand on the behavior stopping immediately

  17. Referring to someone by their physical qualities is always a red flag.

    Sure if it comes up “you know, the guy with red hair who always wears a hoodie” is fine.

    But saying “don’t worry ginger” is reducing them to a single characteristic that’s outside of their control and speaks to a less than healthy set of priorities. Societally approved and reenforced priorities. But unhealthy nonetheless.

    Shrugging it off is also a red flag.

    If it’s actually not a big deal they should be able to say “I apologize, you’re right it’s in appropriate, I will stop. Is there anything else I can do?” (an extreme example most people don’t talk like this, but a very healthy response)

    But if it was more like “*don’t worry about it*, it’s no big deal” then they’re more concerned with controlling your emotional state than acknowledging any potential wrongdoings.

    Which at least points to a breakdown in communication between the two of you. These are precisely the kinds of things you should be able to talk about in a relationship.

    Marshall Rosenberg has a framework called Non-Violent Communication (NVC). It says that our actions are often a result of our emotions, and our emotions are a result of our (un)met needs.

    What you said was that your husband’s actions made you upset (emotions). This is a sign that you have unmet needs. As a couple, you should ideally be able to work together to make sure the needs of both people in the couple are met.

    Right now you’re worried that his actions indicate some hidden emotions that indicate that he has unmet needs that he’s not able to discuss with you. And it sounds like he’s trying to minimize your emotions because he struggles to acknowledge your needs and/or is ashamed of his own unmet needs.

    ASIDE (edited because I know I’m over-generalizing):

    *Sadly a common trait in men – not being able to acknowledge their needs. Think of the stereotype of the strong silent type that expresses no emotions but takes care of the family by sacrificing at work etc. As a consequence, they also have a hard time acknowledging their partner’s unmet needs, because if their partner’s needs are unmet, it means they are inadequate – e.g. their identity becomes being able to put everyone else’s needs above their own. But when their partner’s needs are for emotional intimacy, they’re completely unequipped to handle that.*

    If any of this rings true, I hope you seek some sort of therapy as a couple. I do encourage you to keep asking questions like this and communicating your needs. Also know that for change to happen, both people have to want it to happen. If he wants to change – great. If he’s resistant to change, you need to put your priorities ahead of his until he admits that there is a need for change and says he will work towards change.

    I know I’m extrapolating and assuming a lot from a very small vignette, so if I overstepped I apologize. I like to be thorough and describe how I’m seeing what I’m hearing as clearly as possible.

  19. That is not even slightly professional or okay. At best he is setting himself up for a sexual harassment complaint and getting fired. But that could also mean he is interested or cheating with her. Really no good way to spin that.

  20. Very inappropriate. Her reaction should be very revealing as to whether there may be something else going on. Was her text response cold, called him out on it, changed the subject OR did she respond similarly to him, seem to enjoy the compliment or laugh about it?

    You need to tell him this is very unprofessional behavior and more importantly really hurts your feelings and self-esteem and makes you question the nature of his relationship with his boss. Sorry you are dealing with this OP.

  21. Calling his boss gorgeous is inappropriate.

    He’s literally jeopardizing his career. And also, it’s gross

  22. If one of my male direct reports said that to me, I would rake him over the coals. That is completely inappropriate and unprofessional. The fact that his boss hasn’t said anything is suspicious as fuck.

  24. Tell your husband straight up that this is inappropriate for a professional setting and it’s flat out flirting with another woman!

    You tell him the emoji’s hurt as well. Tell him that he’s giving his boss validation she should not be getting from him.

    Would he like it if you started calling other guys handsome while talking to them and sending flirty emoji’s?

  26. What are her responses like? What kind of emojis does he use?

    Is there a chance they are sleeping together or have slept together?

  29. Honestly, it is super inappropriate to talk like that with anyone at work. I would be concerned he is putting his career at risk.

    My husband used to have a female friend who started getting too comfy with him, and when I asked my husband if he would be OK with another man being that way with me, that was what got through to him. That might be worth a try. Of course, if he doesn’t see any problem with it, you might have a bigger issue on your hands.

  31. He needs couples counseling and to read the book Not Just Friends if he is too dense to figure out why that is very problematic not just for his marriage but also for his job. It’s totally disrespectful to you as his wife and also completely unprofessional.

  32. Just show him this thread. We’re all appalled and none of us even know him! Do better, OP’s husband!

  34. HR person here – the fact that he’s so clueless about office etiquette tells me he’ll likely get fired at some point. This ain’t the 1950s. Additionally even if she’s ok with it (until she isn’t) doesn’t mean he’s not creating an uncomfortable environment for others. His behavior is straight up stupid. And totally disrespectful to you. Good luck with him.

  38. It’s not even about the possibility of an affair, it’s the fucking with yall household income if his ass gets fired for an HR violation.

    And he’s dumb enough to leave a paper trail.

    I think you should be angrier.

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