I (21F) recently had an issue with my best friend (21F). For context, I was SA’d three years ago. It didn’t happen in a club, it happened after a night out, but for some reason the association is with clubs and I get bad anxiety. It comes and goes, but two weekends ago it was back and especially bad when we went out with two other friends.
I didn’t tell her how I was feeling. Instead, I was quiet and not very present because I was trying to ignore my anxiety. I’m usually good at expressing my feelings, but this time I just couldn’t. It wasn’t about not trusting her, I just didn’t want to talk about it.
At the club, I was on my phone and withdrawn at first, but eventually I loosened up and ended up having a good time. The next morning, she told me something that happened to her after the club, which was SA, though she didn’t use that word. I felt extremely uncomfortable and all I could say was, “I’m so sorry that happened to you,” and gave her a hug. I left shortly after and went home, where I pushed everything out of my mind and didn't think about it at all. Later that day, I texted her about something I was happy about, which I now realize was insensitive after she had just shared something so serious with me.
The next day I asked how she was feeling. She said she was alright, but I knew she probably wasn’t. I didn’t follow up properly again because it brought up my own unresolved trauma, and I didn’t know how to be there for her without spiralling myself.
A few days later, she sent me a long message explaining how hurt she was; that I wasn’t present that night, that I seemed dismissive the next morning, that I didn’t check in on her etc.
I apologized for everything, and at first, I said I thought she was fine because she told me she was, but when she was still upset, I told her the truth; that her experience triggered my own, and I shut down instead of communicating. I explained that it had nothing to do with trust or comfort with her, but I just didn’t have the awareness in the moment to say something like “hey I can’t be there for you right now because I’m not over my situation” which is what she wished I had done.
I’ve taken responsibility and apologized many times. I told her she’s right about how poorly I handled it, my poor behaviour that night, and how i should've been able to give her a heads up about my anxiety. She says she hears what I'm saying but is still so upset about everything/how I handled it and she then asked for space. We’ve barely spoken for two days, which is a first for us in 7 years of friendship. I’ve apologized and told her all I can do now is learn from this and show up better moving forward. I’m feeling really worried about our friendship. Any advice on how to fix this?