I’ve been with my husband for 5 years, newlymarried for 1.5. When we were dating, we had a lot of differences (which I thought is normal), but he was very consistent in pursuing me. If I brought up something that bothered me, he would actively work on it. I felt chosen. I felt prioritized.
It started on our wedding day ( probably before but it stood out more on that day particularly) as he seemed emotionally flat, almost robotic. He didn’t compliment me, didn’t seem happy or excited, and felt very distant. I initially assumed it was stress. But at one point during the wedding he screamed at me. That night he didn’t say he loved me or show affection, he just went to sleep!! He acted so weird that other people noticed and asked what was wrong with him. He was so weird I thought he took pills ( he has a history of addiction)
Since then, emotional distance has become the norm for me. Whenever he gets upset about something, he completely shuts down and stops talking to me, sometimes for weeks, even months. Over the past year, I’ve gone through major traumas : my baby sister was SA, my parents divorced, and most recently my grandmother (who I was very close to) became sick and passed away. During those times, even while my grandma was in the hospital (dying) and after she died, he wasn’t speaking to me. I felt completely alone during the hardest moments of my life. I was a complete wreck. He was heartless.
Another issue is that I am always the one initiating conversations about our relationship. I’m the one who brings up problems, suggests solutions, and asks to communicate. I’ve told him I need him to step up and take the lead sometimes because I’m exhausted from being the only one trying to “fix” things. It’s reached a point where asking to talk feels like I’m suffocating him, or like I’m annoying him just for wanting to address issues.
He has also been unemployed for a year. I am currently the breadwinner and work long hours (dentist). He spends most of his time watching TV and doesn’t seem motivated to change his situation.
Another issue is something I only fully realized after marriage is that there’s a significant intellectual gap between us. I’m highly educated and career driven, and I’ve noticed that he struggles with very basic skills (including frequent elementary grammar mistakes). I don’t say this to insult him, but it has affected my respect and attraction in ways I didn’t expect.
Our sex life is almost nonexistent. I feel emotionally disconnected and unloved, so I don’t feel desire. When we do have sex, it feels like it’s just physical for him, not emotional. Again because all his actions make me feel unloved.
I can’t describe how many times i broke down infront of him, he wouldn’t even bat an eye. So cruel.
I constantly feel unseen, unimportant, and emotionally unsupported. Sometimes I wonder if I’m expecting too much
I’m starting to seriously consider divorce, but i am also thinking is it early, we only have been married for 1.5 years.
Am I expecting too much from a partner, or are these fundamental issues?