EDIT: This got a lot more engagement than I’ve had before and I don’t have time to respond more. It’s been fun guys.
This is a lighthearted post, and I hope it’s ok for here.
Several years ago I had stomach pains. Doctors weren’t sure what the problem was so they ordered a scan. I forget if it was a cat scan or mri or what. I came back the next week to talk about what they found.
They take my vitals and 15 minutes later a supermodel level gorgeous nurse walks in.
Supermodel nurse: Hi, we’re not sure what’s going on but there’s an interesting mass here. It looks like a undescended testicle.
Me: Umm…
Supermodel nurse: They’re both down there right?
Me:Yes…I’m 30 years old and I would’ve noticed by now…
Supermodel nurse: Ok then I’ll talk to the doctor and we will figure it out.
She abruptly and quickly leaves the room. Turns out the problem was IBS.
Now anytime I do something extra manly it’s because of the third testicle.
Wifey: Ooh your voice just got deeper. The third testicle working!
40 comments
Before a pouchoscopy (colonoscopy for people with no colon and instead an internal pouch formed from small intestine) I said this:
“I hope you’re not going to do anything with my ass while I’m under.”
It got a decent laugh.
I’m friends with my rheumatologist.
Nurse takes my vitals in a private room and says the doctor will be with you shortly.
I go sit up on the butcher paper and take my pants off and wait.
After a few minutes, he opens the door sees me with my pants down dangling my legs and starts laughing.
“What would you have done if one of the nurses came back in,” he said.
“If they acted surprised, I would have said oh the doctor always makes me take my pants off when he sees me, is that not normal?”
Good laugh was had.
I was scheduled to have my sperm tested later that week so I was on day 4/5 of no ejaculation. Typically wife and I were very sexually active, like daily.
Anyway, I got a boner during a root canal 🤷🏾♂️
When I got my vasectomy not one, but two, supermodel level gorgeous nurses were involved in shaving my testicles. I had never felt more uncomfortable in my life. Also, I could see what was going on in the reflection of that big light they use and I fainted. It was quite an experience.
I had to have a prostate exam by a male doctor who’s about my age and we get along. I’ve never had one before and I absolutely could not stop laughing when it was happening.
Like, he’s trying to put a finger and I’m laughing so hard I can’t talk. It’s still funny to me now thinking about it.
I dont really have a funny story, but I do have a time when I embarassed a doctor and made him apologize:
A bunch of years back, I woke up with an extreme pain my ankle, like I had broken it or something. Couldnt walk. Foot swollen. Tried to go to work, couldnt, so ended up going to Urgent Care.
I write down whats going on the intake form, wait for the doc, get taken back to the room. Nurse comes in, looks at the ankle, pokes and prods it a little, tells me to wait for the doc.
Doc comes in, barely looks up at me or at the ankle and says “You know I can’t give you pain meds, right? We’re not allowed to do that here”. I reply “Thats fine, i dont want any anyway, I want an X-Ray”. Doesnt even register in his brain for some reason. We had this back and forth like 4 times until he’s like “You know if I X-ray you, you have to pay for it, right?” and i’m like “yeah, no shit. i have insurance and I know the co-pay. can you please X-ray my fucking foot??” and the moment I mention I have insurance you can see his brain click and internally hes like “Oh shit this guy is actually here for a hurt ankle”. So they go back and X-ray me. Nothing there. They figure its some kind of sprain and I get a note for work to stay off it a couple days.
Then this fucking doctor has the balls to be like “Hey, if you want I can give you a script for Oxy or something for the pain” and I just looked at him and was like “I dont want your fucking pain meds” and hobbled out of the urgent care and back to my car.
Stupid prick.
I was like 21 and getting a precautionary STI panel before dating a new girl. Two nurses in their late 20s were drawing my blood, and I was already nervous as hell about having blood drawn.
They said “oh, it’ll be easy, you have big veins”.
Without even thinking I said “and you know what they say about big veins”.
I think we all turned beet red. I wish I could be that smooth on purpose.
About 10 years ago I was diagnosed with cancer in my gentlemen’s area . First doctor who caught it was a young quite attractive woman who was of course did a lol of feeing around .
I swear to god aside from the surgeon who did the operation to remove the cancer every medical person who was involved till I got the all clear was an attractive woman.
Super awkward
Was at my pediatric doctor as a young teen and there was a kid creaming and crying at the top of its lungs the next room over. After a few minutes, the doctor turns towards the wall where the noise was coming from and says “Jeez, you’d think we were lopping of his leg in there.”
I witnessed my wife pass a log during childbirth…our hospital is an educational one where they ask if students/residents can stop by. We later saw the same young handsome male dr. in the hallway and I reminder her that he was the dr. she pooped on. Some guys have all the fun :-/
First time I had digital rectal prostate exam, the urologist, a very dry man, had me lay on my side. When he stuck his finger up there, I said, “But Father O’Malley, last time you said Jesus would bring me a Christmas bicycle… oh, I think I just had a flashback!”
It took him a second, but he burst out laughing. Tough audience, these urologists.
Im a doctor. I once needed to do a rectal exam and needed the interpretor to explain this so I said “can you take your pants off please”…she then asked in a worried tone “are you talking to me? ”
Needless to say I wasnt asking her to take her pants off
When I was 20 I noticed a large lump on one of my testicles. I had to go away to work soon so they got me an appointment if I met the Dr. at the hospital.
Its a room with 2 beds curtained off in the middle and Im at the far one. I walk by the 1st one and there are 3 good looking women in there chatting nonstop. I go to mine and wait.
This was just after the Matrix was really popular and my last name happens to be Anderson. The Dr. comes in, looks at the clipboard and says in his best Agent Smith impression “What seems to be the problem with your testicles Mr Anderson?”
The chatty women only a thin curtain away go dead silent. I explain the situation and he says he’ll have to examine it. I can hear the women beside me trying their hardest to hold their giggles in.
Im nervous as hell so my scrotum is shrivelled up like a tightened coin purse. Dr really has to work to get a good hold of the testi and feel it. While hes struggling I let out a laugh at the whole situation and the Dr says in the Agent Smith voice again “Does something about this amuse you Mr Anderson?”.
Women cant hold it in anymore and start audibly laughing. Im dead inside. Examine gets finished and he explains its an epididymal cyst and nothing to worry about. I quickly get dressed, put my head down and got the hell out of there without a second glance at the women.
Just a couple weeks ago I was in for my yearly physical. Making conversation he was telling me about his recent ski trip. I asked where’d you go skiing as he is sticking his gloved finger up my ass checking my prostate his answer , ” Jack… Jack… (snicker snicker fighting laughter ) Jackson…. (snicker) Jackson HOLE” we both busted out laughing like two 13 year old boys. I haven’t laughed so hard in a long time. He apologized profusely for the “unprofessional ” moment and I just reminded him that they do say laughter is the best medicine.
Went in for some funky pooping and a little blood on tp.
The NP was a smoke show. Attractive, easy to talk to, and knew my wife from the medical field.
“Well, you told me about this so we need to check.” Her
“Huh, how?” Me
“We need to do a rectal exam” her
“….ok, I guess it’s needed” me with all kinds of thoughts.
She got some else in there, lubed up the fingers (yes fingerS), and just dig in there without hesitation.
“Looks ok, but we will keep an eye on it”. Her all happy and like it never happened.
“Ok, thanks”. Me thinking wtf just happened.
At the dentist I was getting a small cavity treated. The doctor and her assistant were both pretty ladies. As the doctor was cleaning up the cavity, she was leaning in and a boob was touching my face. At the same time, her assistant was resting her open hand with a napkin on my chest.
I was feeling in heaven for a moment there, and started getting a boner. I tried focusing on the pain as hard as i could, and luckily managed to tame the beast. Fortunately they were too focused on the task to look down there. That could’ve been extremely awkward
I had some testicle pain a few years back. Went into urgent care who sent me to the ER.
Had to have a ultrasound of my balls done and yep, of course it was a cute female… Super awkward for me but she was really amazing with the whole process, made it as un-awkward as that can be.
my doc? no…
but when wife was giving birth, they put a heart monitor on and broke her water… the nurse said “oh dont worry, its not pee”
i responded with the only way i could… “i’ve heard that before!”
When I was younger I went to the doctor for what i believed to be a breakout off herpes in my private area.
I hadnt had sex in months. It was razor bumps from shaving.
Went in for a sperms count referral, came out with a finger up my but.
Even better, the doctor says “put on your hands, and face the wall” and I was going full doggy style, and then he said “no, no, not like that, just stand there and bend over”
I have eczema that had been dormant for nearly 30 years, but a couple years ago it caused a hideous rash all over my body except my face. (Thank GOD!) The rash started small and then spread over the next few weeks. I think it was an extreme allergic reaction to a bug bite.
When home remedies weren’t working and I couldn’t hide it anymore, I booked an appointment with a dermatologist. I tried to find someone I would be unlikely to run into in my regular life since I was going to have to strip naked in front of them. So I booked this old lady. Perfect. We don’t run in the same circles. Plus she’s a veteran in the game. She’s seen it all. Let’s go.
I show up the appt, the young assistant takes me to the room and leaves, I undress, the old doctor comes in and the young assistant comes back in behind her to observe and take notes. Damn it. They got me with the ol’ bait and switch.
When I was a teenager I had appendicitis. Fast forward to the hospital. Absolutely gorgeous nurse is taking care of me. Every time she enters the room my heart rate spikes. Her and the other nurse start calling me her boyfriend. I have never felt more embarrassed. Being awash in morphine did not, in fact, make me feel better about it either.
Well, I make a pilgrimage each year to the doctor who burns things off, just as my folks once did. It’s a requirement for those of us who are melanin challenged. For years I saw a woman who bore a striking resemblance to Anne Bancroft, and each time I disrobed for an exam, I had to suppress the urge to say, “Mrs. Robinson, you’re trying to seduce me.” But she’s long since retired, and I’m now in a small room, seated on the table, hygienic paper crinkling beneath. I’m waiting to see a new guy.
A few weeks back we got up early and had coffee in bed as we planned the day. Sloane was upstairs when I showered, and we were having the kind of conversation that comes with decades of cohabitation: yelling back and forth between floors, barely able to hear one another. I pulled on some sox and laced up my shoes, when we both walked toward the stairs, she up above and I down below, trying to better hear one another. My wife started laughing, as I had yet to put on any clothes, and it became her recurring joke over the next few days.
The nurse pops her head in the door and offers me a gown. I decline and explain I’m too tall and they fit like an undersized straightjacket. She figures I can sit in my skivvies. She says the doctor will see me shortly, but I know better, and fidget over what I know will be a half hour wait. I hop off the table and take an overhead photo, texting it to Sloane, who’s out in the lobby. She asks if I have shoes on, and I immediately get the joke. I’m up to the task. I lose the boxers, pull on my tennies and hold the phone overhead once more, as the door swings opens with a gust of air and authority. The doctor is on time and has an interesting look on his face.
Was getting a physical for work and the rather attractive LPRN had to do the ‘ol finger in the butt thing. As she was gloving up, she said “Don’t worry, smallest fingers in the business!”
I had a lump on a testicle and ignored it for way, way too long out of fear. Finally my then-wife, in my early 20s, talked me into getting it looked at. She was with me in the room as two very attractive female nurses worked on me, one whose entire job was to hold my penis out of the way, and the other to put cold gel on my scrotum and rub an ultrasound wand over my testicles.
I am happy to say, for the sake of everyone’s comfort that day, that I managed to find this the least sexy interaction imaginable, and no awkward explanations or apologies were needed by anyone.
And in case anyone cares, it was just a harmless spermatocele. I still have it, and other than being a little annoyed that it’s there, it’s had no impact on my life.
When I was 18, I was getting a my pre-college physical. I was still a virgin and it was my first time with my new general physician. She was in her late 20’s and beautiful. While doing her check on my testicles, I’m almost 100% positive I was getting at least a little hard. I’m not 100% sure as I refused to look down at all. At least I retained a little internal deniability. She didn’t react in any way, so either I wasn’t as hard as I thought or she maintained a professional composure about it. Either way. She’s still my GP 20 years later.
I took an employment physical once. The nurse sent him to take my vitals was extremely good looking. I told her that if I failed, I wanted a retest with a man because she was spiking my heart rate, respiration, and blood pressure.
Went to the ER because I was experiencing severe abdominal pain along with vomiting and diarrhea. Like, doubled over screaming pain.
I get to the ER and they have me strip down and put a gown on. As time passes, the abdominal pain starts to go away slowly. I noticed that the TV in my room wasn’t turning on, and I see the power cord going into the ceiling. I used to be a facilities manager so I am pretty savvy with poking around walls and ceilings, so I pull a chair over and stand on it to get inside the ceiling tile to track down the power cable to I could get it plugged in.
Right as I do that, the doctor comes through the door and is met at face level with my ass. Without missing a beat, he says, “Most patients are nervous about rectal exams, never had anyone excited enough to make it this easy for me.”
Turned out I had a really bad stomach ulcer, for me some hardcore acid reducers and diet modification, all better now.
Crashed a Kawasaki 900 when I was 22. In the hospital a few days with busted ribs, brain bleed, dislocated shoulder, broken wrist. They have me hooked up to a morphine drip. 2nd day a nurse who I thought was pretty hot is giving me sponge bath. I’m doped up, but still got hard and pitched a tent. I think I remembered her pulling my gown back and looking at it, but was in a haze. She was in 3rd day when I got discharged and wheeled me down to get picked up. I asked for her number and she wrote it on my cast. We dated a few times
I had an operation a while back, was put under with a general anaesthetic. Afterwards I was advised to drink lots of fluids, so I did… nurses dutifully checking my vitals and asking me questions… after about 2 hours of water and conversation I needed to pee… it wasn’t happening. A nurse said well it’s a side effect that you can’t pee. And started pressing on my bladder area (gently) still not working, and by this time I was reaching explosive levels. She conferred with the on call resident, i get to have a catheter… never had one before. Well there was a very young and quite beautiful nurse in training no more than 25, well she started to stuff the Catheter in the sausage… I being about the same age at the time was torn between *pee-pain* and another kind of pain… I almost lost it when she had to inflate the little balloon …
I got a colonoscopy and endoscopy done in the same visit. I asked if the cameras could meet in the middle to say hi to each other. I was the only person in the room to find it funny. I found it Very funny.
First time getting an STD test. I had some burning and thought it was something. Doctor was like we need to take a sample. I asked if it was blood and he said no they weren’t setup for that and told me to drop my underwear. He proceeded to use a cotton swab in my pee hole. Yeaaaaaaaah, that was painful.
Not doctor, but nurse practitioner. There was a relatively-new and attractive to me young NP. I had experienced some bleeding of an unknown source. She stuck her finger up my ass to check my prostate. There was an involuntary reaction.
Honestly, no one else has ever stuck a finger up there in a professional context. So.
I’ve got 3 stories.
My first trip to the dermatologist my doctor was super cool and she and I had great rapport. She gives me a gown that’s not going to fit or cover anything. She says it’s optional because she’s just going to take it off me anyway. So, I decline it. She then claps her hands and says “Ok… Let’s get weird!”
Getting my blood drawn and the phlebotomist looks at me and in a very dom tone she starts saying “Are you going to cry? Ya, I bet you’re going to cry? Don’t look. I’m going to stick it in you. OMG you’re seriously watching. Freak!” And walked off.
First time visiting a proctologist for a fissure. He informs me it’s a teaching hospital and they had student doctors there. As soon as I got into the most vulnerable position, here comes the Supermodel Med Student to watch him check my butthole.
First. Lol! Great story.
Second: I had my balls examined. My then-wife was a receptionist at an Urology place, so I went there. I liked the doctors.
A hot young blond woman comes in to do a sonogram of my balls. I think “ok. No boners. I can manage this.” Then she puts sonic gel on the transducer. And places it on my balls. The gel is nice and warm and slippery. “Oh… this no boner thing might get tricky.” And then she starts moving it around. And moves my penis out of the way with her hands. “Oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck. Margret Thatcher naked on a cold day.”
I managed to suppress an erection. During the visit.
Not my story but it happened to a friend, also surrounding a third testicle.
My buddy felt something weird down there and got a doctors appointment to get it checked out thinking it might be cancer.
The way he told the story he’s sitting on the side of the examination table holding his dick up so the doc can check everything else out.
Doctor is feeling around and is fairly certain it’s a third testicle and not cancer.
My buddy being very relieved let’s go and proceeds to dick slap the back of the doctors hand making an audible slap.
Cue awkward eye contact and they went about their day.
When I was early 20s, I had really bad pain in one of my testicles over the slightest of touches. I went to the walk in centre and laid on the bed with my pants off. I guess everything flopped the wrong way as the Doctor said to me “Can you just move your willy out of the way for me?” I don’t know what was worse, the use of the word willy, or the fact this guy was about to cup my ball and made me do half of the work myself!
I’ve also had the old finger up the bum to check the cause of bleeding. Nurse asked if I minded a junior Nurse watching as part of her learning, so I said that’s fine. Laying on my side, waiting, and the Nurse came back in and asked if I wanted my shirt to cover myself over. I mean, sure, but I’m not really bothered if people see my cock and balls when they’re about to shove a finger up there and rummage around.
I ended up having a camera up there during a separate hospital trip as part of the bleeding, and whilst I’m there, legs in the air and camera up there with about eight people in there, the Nurse who was there to be by my side and keep my calm, I guess, asked if I was okay. I said yeah I’m absolutely fine and without hesitation she said “Well, apart from the camera up your bum, I guess?”
My doctor was checking a hemorrhoid, and asked if I wanted to get a prostate exam since he was already staring at my b-hole.
I responded with “in for a dime in for a dollar” so he did it.
A few weeks later I was mentioning my doctor to a pal, and he responded with “oh he used to be my doctor” to which I responded “he’s had his finger in my butt” then my friend looked me in the eye and said “mine too…”
And now I feel that our friendship has a bond that’s different from other friendships.
Hey lads, 58yo Aussie bloke here. Straight shooter, no farken filter….EVER..!!!
Managed to tear my arse on an overseas holiday. Romantic, I know. Saw a doc, got referred to a specialist, next thing I know I’m booked for surgery…!!!
There I am, backside hanging out of a hospital gown, parked outside theatre. Anaesthetist sticks the IV in my hand and offers me a little …relaxer…!! Asks if I want to be knocked out outside or inside the theatre. I say inside. Might as well see the stage before the curtain drops.
We roll in. Surgeon introduces me to the whole team like I’m the evening’s entertainment. Then he goes…..Got anything to say before we start….???
Apparently, in my semi groggy wisdom, I replied…
Hey doc… my arsehole’s not a 9volt battery. Don’t feel the need to stick your tongue on it…!!!
The room erupted Full hysterics…!!
Next thing I know, I’m waking up in recovery with the surgeon telling me what I said…!!!
To this day, I still don’t know whether I got the most expensive rim job in medical history…!!!!
My arse hurt for weeks after too..!!!
I hade a brain surgery to remove a tumor that was causing daily seizures. I was in medical school and happened to seize in front on my neurosurgery preceptor (the best in the province for this type of lesion)
He basically said “come back into weeks and I’ll take it out.
I had to be awake bc it was next to the speech center. High on precedex and modazolam. They allowed me to choose the music (bc i was awake….i chose THE MARS VOLTA) possibly the most stressful music around.
Rambled my ass off about bands i like for 4ish hours bc they needed me talking so they would know if they poked something they shouldn’t have.
When the doctor showed me the tumor i tried to grab it from him.
Now he is my colleague 😖😖😖😖