I (23F) and my boyfriend (28M) have been dating for a year now and sexually active for like 8 months of that. Lately he has expressed more and more that he wants me to be more open about my fantasies and to ask for what I want and I just can't bring myself to! (Some background that might be relevant: We are not having/haven’t had sex yet (my boundary till I get my tubes tied), I'm the first person he's engaged with sexually and he's my second, and I have chronic anxiety that continues to effect me in the bedroom…)
Back to the issue…when he asks me things in the heat of it like "what do you want to do?" I basically shut down. Even if we aren't in the moment and he asks about my fantasies I can't bring myself to talk. It kills the mood for me cause I get in my head and just become a ball of anxiety who would rather crawl in a hole instead of reply…and bless him he's just there, patiently, quietly, waiting for my answer. He's tried comforting me (like telling me to take my time or rubbing my back) or encouraging me often to no avail. So far the result has been (usually after a looong silence from me) him just moving on and deciding to do something to keep the mood alive for us both but I worry that he is starting to feel hurt by me.
I kinda struggle talking out loud about sex in general…I have managed an occasional joke but a full conversation? A request? Giving him feedback? Nope, probably impossible lol (at least it feels that way). I'm so anxious about this because many of my fantasies revolve around having sex (which we aren’t doing so I feel like why share right now it would be teasing, right?), all of them revolve around me being the sole receiver which feels selfish, and my fantasies don't usually involve him but instead a collection of male characters I’ve created in my head (each relevant to their own specific fantasy).
So I have many questions and would appreciate any advice…
– Is it even normal for me to have almost no sexual fantasies about my boyfriend (as the receiver or giver)?
– If it is or isn't how do I explain that or share without hurting his feelings? (Is writing notes/letters acceptable to start the convo?)
– How can I explain that my fantasies are so detailed and specific that I don't think they can be real or be pleasurable if attempted?
– Any advice on attempting those fantasies and staying focused on the moment not whats missing/different?
Please help lol and thanks 🙂