My girlfriend and I have been together for 3 1/2 years. We started talking online and started dating after a couple months, visiting each other often.
She has always had an incredibly difficult home life, which I have proof of being 100% legitimate. I’ve seen text conversations, heard phone calls, and was present in person for extremely cruel actions by her mother.
She has always told me that she has two younger half-sisters, the children of her mother and her stepdad (who are now separated). She said the middle sister only lived with her dad because she didn’t get along with their mom. Two years into our relationship, she revealed that her middle sister was actually not her biological sister at all, and was actually the daughter of her stepdad and a woman from a previous marriage.
That day, she also revealed that she had lied about living in another country for a few years in her teens. I had seen pictures of her family in that country, and asked if she had lived there. She said that it was an especially tough time for her mom’s mental health, and that it brought back traumatic memories, so she didn’t like talking about it. She apologized for lying/omitting that information and I forgave her.
Today, my girlfriend asked me if we could talk. She revealed that her middle sister wasn’t just non-biological – she had never even existed at all. She only has one sister. The middle one was entirely made-up. She also admitted that a trip to France she had told me about was fake as well. And she had also had lied about where she was working at the beginning of our relationship.
These lies caught me completely off guard, because unlike the lies she had admitted to the year prior, there was no logical reason for them. Why on earth would she lie about an entire sibling? She had literally told me about how her fake sister had had so many bad fights with their mom that she couldn’t live with her anymore, and how it was insensitive of me to ask more questions about the sister. Why would she lie about a trip abroad that never happened? Why would she lie about working at a retail store instead of a cafe?
She told me that she has been feeling so much guilt and humiliation for years for all of the stupid lies she told me at the beginning at our relationship. She didn’t try to justify it or defend herself, but she did attempt to explain potential reasons for why she lied so much. She said that due to all of the abuse she endured as a child/teen, she believes deep down that she is forever unlovable. She didn’t think I would actually end up truly loving her, so she spontaneously told me random lies at the beginning, not thinking much of it, and deeply regretted it when things got serious between us. The lies also gave her a way to share personal things, such as her mom’s abuse, while also “disguising” herself by falsifying details of her life in order to avoid full vulnerability.
She was so sad and regretful and told me she loves me and doesn’t want to lose me but that she understands if these lies cause me to not trust her enough to be with her anymore. It’s complicated.
Obviously I feel shocked and hurt, but I mostly feel confused. I love her so much; I feel truly seen, adored, and intimately known by her. I have never laughed with anyone as much as I have with her. She is incredibly brilliant, bold, articulate, loving, and we are compatible in so many ways, from future visions to sleep schedules. This is such a bizarre situation.
Does anyone have any insight into how to rebuild trust and salvage the relationship?
TL;DR
My (23F) girlfriend (24F) revealed a bunch of random pointless lies she told me at the beginning of our relationship, from where she was working to countries she’s lived in. The worst was that she invented an entire younger sister who never existed, and let me believe these lies for our entire 3 1/2 year relationship. Before this, I saw her as my future wife. Any advice on how to rebuild trust and salvage the relationship?