Question for the girls: do we actually like sex or is it propaganda/fantasy?
I know there is 100s and 1000s of posts and information on the topic saying that sex is amazing and glorious for women and others saying that orgasm is not possible for some women using penetration, but regardless I’m torn and confused out of my mind. I am currently falling down another endless pit of sexual exploration and research. I am currently reading “come as you are” for the THIRD time since everyone says it’s great and I am still somehow in the dark. Something is not “clicking” in my brain. 🤦🏻♀️😭 So if you’re willing to listen, great! If not then please feel free to keep scrolling. This anonymous posting with a throwaway account is making me too bold for my own good and I have no one else to ask.
So here is goes.
Okay, 28F and i have been married to my husband 29M for almost a decade now. Sex has never been good, and we have had significant struggles in intimacy. I’m not talking about that. There were brief times, like in the beginning or periods throughout our relationship where I convinced him to go along with one of my crazy sex ideas. I’m not kidding, it wasn’t sexy but I had a binder: Self-exploration journaling, written fantasies, book/podcast/TEDtalk reviews and summaries, an arousal flowchart, a “gas”/“breaks” list, a list of known erogenous zones, kinks, soft and hard limits, you name it. It started as a ‘sex bucket list’ before marriage then when we started to have issues I started documenting everything I thought could be helpful (it wasn’t helpful but that’s just how my brain works. I like things written out and organized for review). I told him about my journal and tried to share it with him. I never pushed him to read it but it was always easily accessible to him (he never once opened it). This post is about my personal exploration and experiences throughout my years that have left me wondering if there is something wrong with me, have I romanticized sex? Did I just have too high of expectations?
I feel like PIV sex for women is just glorified masterbation but with more work. Am I missing something? The standing agreement my husband and I have is that I have romanticized sex and have too high of expectations. I am genuinely confused. Does sex just suck? If I have corrupted my brain with unrealistic expectations, how do I fix that? And if not, is there something wrong with me that I don’t think it’s worth it to seek my own pleasure or cum?
I had (past tense) a high sex drive and really wanted to explore and experience sex. No inhibitions or body image issues. I was hot stuff that loved it all, I could get myself to completion without any issues, plenty of dirty fantasies, a very responsive “gas pedal” (reference from Come as You Are) but after almost 10 years of trying to explore and learn about sex I have come to the conclusion that it’s just not worth the effort to get myself off. Touching myself feels okay, good not great, and the high is short lived. I’m genuinely disappointed and my sex drive/arousal is at 0%. I still enjoy giving blow jobs and I have sex regularly, but I’m not aroused.
I hear that “women just need to start, then they like it” but I’ve never understood that. I don’t seek out nor care for my own pleasure anymore and I’m SO upset that I don’t and have never enjoyed the actual act. (I have never cum if it wasn’t by my own hand and that hasn’t happened in 3 years because it just doesn’t feel like it’s worth the effort and the idea of sex is no longer arousing so it takes A LOT of effort to even get me close).
For reference, the IDEA of sex was always amazing. I waited until marriage to be sexual with my husband, so I only have experience with him. But when I actually had PIV sex it was less than appealing. Not numb, just not really pleasurable. I know most women can’t cum from PIV, but do you guys also just not feel much of anything? Is it supposed to feel good? Or is it just the idea of the connection that is what people like? I’m genuinely confused. I know it’s a spectrum, but I’m hitting maybe a 1 in a 0-10 scale of pleasure. (10 being glorious). I start out eager, excited, and aroused then by the end of it I think “well that sucked”. Is there something wrong with me? I’ve been to the doctor and I’ve checked my hormones and pelvic floor, all is healthy and normal. I’ve seen therapists, just not sex specific therapists. Christian women who have the same sexual values as my husband. (He feels that giving oral is disgusting and fingering is too much effort. Toys are a middle ground: as long as it’s a little vibrator and nothing is inserted or too crazy then it’s allowed)
So are we just doing all the PIV stuff for the guy and then masterbating to get ourselves off? Because after that, I just want more. I feel empty and unsatisfied. Even if I get myself off first, like trying to replicate the fantasy or idea of receiving oral, then having PIV sex it is still lack luster.
What are some other women’s HONEST REAL WORLD PIV sexual experiences? I feel like I have exhausted all other resources. My husband is currently wanting to try and have intimate sex again, so I feel like I need to figure this out and fast before he changes his mind.
Thank you in advance.
(And I know this is the Internet and nothing is ever fully private on here, but if there is a way that this could unintentionally humiliate us in the real world, please let me know so that I can delete this and fall off the face of the earth)