My wife and I have been together since high school and have a great partnership. We have two boys (10 and 8) and for the longest time it feels like we’ve just been going through the motions.
We have a great sex life and don’t fight much. But you know it had me thinking…maybe we don’t fight much because we never really express ourselves. So it keeps the peace. We’re both fairly agreeable people but it’s dawned on me that for the longest time, we never really talk to each other…I mean like really talk…deeply. Bah, maybe deeply is the wrong word. What I mean is, we talk about our jobs, the kids, what we’re gonna make for dinner. We plan, we talk shit about other people we don’t like who are jerks, we complain about stuff in the news…but…we never really talk about our feelings. Come to think of it, I don’t think we ever really have.
It’s weird expressing this, but it’s true. It’s almost like, we never have “pillow talk” as other couples might describe it. Like to express our inner most feelings, our fears and dreams. We just kinda go through the day-to-day. I’m not sure how she feels about this, because of course we don’t have these sort of talks, but deep down there are times I long for it. I want to look her in the eye and ask her about how she honestly feels about our life, deep in her soul, but I just…I literally don’t know how. Or even if I should. Yeah I know, duh, just ask her. But it’s more nuanced than that. It’s hard for me to explain. It almost feels awkward or like if I ask her that she will get mad at me for pushing. We’ve kinda got close before but she almost gets defensive or something. I can’t describe it. Maybe that’s just how she is. And of course I can never quite pick the right time to try and have these “real” talks.
I’m also afraid because like I said, we have a good relationship and I don’t want to stir trouble. But it does feel like there’s this wall between us. Almost like we’ve both put it up because we’re so emotionally drained from our careers, and the kids and the day-to-day that we don’t have enough left for each other. And yea I know relationships take work and we should find a way to make the effort…but I just don’t know how. There never seems to be a right time. We’ve been together since we were 16 and we’ve never been in other really serious romantic relationships. This is all we know.
Anyway, I dunno. As I get older, I think about this more. A part of me yearns for something deeper than just talking about what summer camp the kids should be in.
Am I wrong to feel this way? Should I just leave things alone and be content that we have a drama-free existence for the most part?
TL;DR – My wife and I never really talk about our deepest feelings and I wonder if this is normal. How do I approach this without stirring up drama?