Disclaimer: I ran this through chatgpt to fix my grammar etc. New account because boyfriend knows the other one. English is not my first language. TLDR at the end.
I (27F) broke up with my boyfriend (31M) of almost 6 years today, and I’m wondering if I made a mistake.
We matched on Tinder during COVID and couldn’t meet for the first 4 months because of lockdown. It was meant to be casual, but when we finally met, we both fell for each other. Even then, we were hesitant to fully commit, so we kept things “open” (though neither of us actually saw other people). About a year after matching, we made it official.
From the start, we were a bit uncertain about the future—careers, location, etc.—but we chose to stay together and figure it out. At the time, I was working at a startup, and he had just quit his job as an outdoor instructor due to the COVID downturn.
I’m a very emotionally sensitive person. I feel things deeply and have worked through childhood trauma in therapy, so I can regulate my emotions fairly well now. He, on the other hand, struggles with emotional expression. He didn’t have a great childhood or relationship with his parents, so opening up is hard for him. I understood this and was patient, especially because he said he wanted to improve. He showed love in other ways—acts of service, quality time, physical touch—and I did feel appreciated.
About 1.5 years ago, we both decided to pursue master’s degrees. I was burnt out and wanted a reset, while he wanted stability and a more structured career path. We initially planned to move to the same country, but after researching programs, I realized it wasn’t the right fit for my goals. I chose a different country instead—on the opposite side of the world. He supported my decision, and we decided to try long distance.
He moved first, and I was supposed to follow (to my country) six months later. The first month was okay, but then things started to decline—less communication, no words of affirmation. I visited him before my move (even though he initially didn’t want me to), because I really missed him.
After I moved, things got worse. We were both busy, but I started to feel the distance emotionally too. The breaking point was my birthday. We had a tradition where he would write me a letter expressing his feelings, since that doesn’t come naturally to him. That year, he didn’t. He said he was busy and struggling.
That really broke something in me.
I wasn’t asking for anything extravagant—just a letter, a message, a voice note—something to make me feel loved. But he didn’t show up in that way. We had a big fight, and I started reflecting on our relationship. I realized there had been many moments where I didn’t feel fully loved—not because he didn’t care, but because he couldn’t express it in ways I needed.
I also realized I had been compromising a lot—lowering my expectations, not fully expressing my needs—partly due to my own fear of abandonment. I had been doing most of the emotional labor. It felt like I was carrying the relationship, while he was more of a background character in my life.
After that fight in October, he said he would do better. But nothing really changed. The same patterns continued—lack of effort, lack of communication, not showing up.
Things got worse in December. I had a big family event and asked him to come. He didn’t. He wasn’t even tied up with his internship (he didn’t get one because he didn’t put in the effort. We had spoken about this and he just didn’t do it), but still didn’t make the effort.
In January, we decided to take a 2-month break. During that time, I reflected a lot and realized I hadn’t been fully honest with him earlier—I hadn’t clearly communicated my needs before because I hadn’t fully understood them myself. That wasn’t fair I know.
Today, we spoke after the break. I went into the call prepared to break up. He, on the other hand, wanted to fix things. He made promises and said all the right things.
And if he had said those things a month earlier, I probably would have stayed.
But I couldn’t believe him anymore.
He’s made similar promises before and hasn’t followed through. Even though he sounded sincere, I just couldn’t trust that things would actually change. It broke my heart to end things, especially seeing how upset he was—but it also felt like the right decision.
I also feel like he needs to focus on getting his own life together—his studies, his direction—before he can show up in a relationship.
Part of me hopes that maybe someday, if we both grow, our paths might cross again. But right now, I don’t know.
Some additional context: I’ve always been more academically inclined, while he’s more street-smart. I’m in a very competitive master’s program that was hard to get into. He has struggled academically and likely has ADHD (which I encouraged him to get diagnosed years ago, but he didn’t). Now he’s struggling at university, failing subjects, and may need to extend his degree, which will cost more money.
My family is more comfortable than his is but they aren’t struggling by any means. He’s quite stubborn about finances—he refuses to take help from his parents, even if it could ease his situation. His family just doesn’t discuss finances openly. Knowing his dad, he probably has a safety net but he refuses to ever ask and his dad hasn’t said anything explicitly either. He took a student loan while his said was saying he could pay for his masters. This has been a recurring issue between us.
I just keep wondering… if leaving was the right call and whether staying would have been the better path. How do I make peace with my decision!
TL;DR: Broke up with my boyfriend of 6 years after long distance, lack of emotional effort, and repeated broken promises. He now wants to fix things, but I don’t trust that anything will change. Wondering if I should have stayed or if I made the right