This is not meant as an attack on the locals. Even if they do not accept us immigrants, so long as we are all respectful it is fine, and we should be able to talk about these things openly.
I am married to a British citizen and I respect the law. The UK is certainly good for work, which is why I cannot leave at the present moment. Trouble is, if you are a foreigner who comes from a country even slightly culturally different, full integration feels impossible. At least in the upper middle class circles I move in due to my husband (not by my choice, but through circumstances), if I show any strong emotions (even positive ones!) I am considered “too aggressive”, people are cold and closed off to outsiders, and think I am just a plus one to my husband who should not have any desires or needs of her own (still not sure if this is because I am a woman or I am an immigrant). I will not even begin to talk about how my husband’s family initially treated me, before he set down some rules with them. The class system is difficult and weird to navigate as an outsider. At times it feels almost as if there is an unofficial list of topics/types of music/activities which are considered “proper” by the middle class, and you are judged harshly if you deviate from it. This has been my experience.
I think the UK is good for work, and needs immigrants for work, but deep down many people do not want to interact with immigrants outside of that. Outside of London, it does feel quite insular. I am not angry at the locals for it, but I know I just do not fit in. That is just how things are.
Anyone else had a similar experience in the UK? Good for work, but impossible to assimilate fully?
20 comments
What ethnicity are you? If the middle class are such a problem why not mingle with others.
Are you an American by any chance?
Mingle with ordinary people. Class system in this country sucks and can be racist. Widen your friends circle.
Upper middle class is difficult territory anyway. I’m sure everyone is just winging it and trying to fit in, i’m convinced no one feels fully confident. Also, it maybe the immigrant part but it’s more likely that you’re a woman. I’m sorry things are tough. Can you find new friends? New social circles without your husband perhaps?
Are you white or where are you from?
Not sure what you are talking about but me who is Romanian and my partner who is East Asian we are in the top 0.1% of earners in the UK and are millionaires and we hang out with our other millionaire friends all the time and never had this issue. Sounds like your problem is that you’re hanging out with horrible people. Also the upper middle class are the worst out of all of them trying to look successful and rich when they’re not so they’re probably extra quirky and mean trying to act and look important. I’d much rather hang out with the lower class or working class than the so called “upper middle class”.
People’s experiences will definitely vary depending on the culture they come from and how similar to the average white British person they look like.
As a white, Nordic immigrant, I never had any issues integrating into a small town in north west England. My experience is mainly working class though.
I’m sorry you feel that way, but you cannot tar us all with the same brush as your husband’s friends and family. You are making massive generalisations about the whole of the country based on what limited interactions you’ve had or seen. That’s not our problem, that’s yours.
“Outside of London the country feels insular” – another massive generalisation. The UK is huge and diverse, from the Scottish Highlands, to West Wales, to Belfast to Liverpool and beyond all are insular? I cannot believe that a second.
I genuinely am sorry your husband and his friends and family aren’t very welcoming to you. But that’s not the country’s fault. The country won’t come to you if you don’t look for it.
If you’re struggling with the class system, make look for some people that aren’t that class you’re struggling with.
So you are mad because people expect you to act like the culture you claim you are trying to integrate into?
I am sorry you are having this experience. On reflecting I feel that I could very easily have the same experience in my home country and culture with people who are more well off than me.
I have been in the UK for 15 years and I have always felt welcomed and loved, but this is probably because of the company I keep and the friendships I develop and maintain. Just today my British husband and I attended my British friend’s baby shower who I have been close with for the whole 15 years. They even requested for some more of my mum’s homemade spices.
I have moved around the UK a lot because of my field of work but I have left each place with friends for life. My husband’s friends and family, including some really wealthy relatives adore me.
There is a growing dislike towards immigrants, thanks to certain political parties. Unfortunately you seem to have found a lot of them.
Do you have a social circle not connected to your husband? Can you join hobby groups to make new friends who are kinder and more accepting? I promise that the UK has wonderful and kind people, you just gotta find them.
I am from a European country. I would say I am not really integrated in the UK. But I wasn’t “integrated” (as I didn’t really match the cultural mainstream and didn’t relate to most people) in my home country either, to a similar level. Who cares? Integration isn’t supposed to be about losing yourself anyway, it’s not like you should start celebrating the NHS, watching football and loving Yorkshire tea the moment you move here.
Personally, I am a loner, I work from home, I barely interact with people. When I feel more social, there are safe topics like talking about gardening with my neighbour. I am friendly, polite and I don’t bother anyone. Also, where I am, people are quite warm (but it is rural Wales, not middle class England).
I am from India and been living here for 2 years now. Dont have any close friends here. I felt like coming from a completely different culture making me hard to connect with people here, but i love the culture, people and football food everything here. One thing I felt is understand and learn more about the people here and there likes because i went for dinner with colleagues and the whole conversation was about the food and British things which i had no idea about so felt so missed out on those conversations. I now making big effort to mingle with people here but being an introvert its so hard.
You’re generalizing. You can find kind people everywhere and in every social group. If, after years of living abroad, you haven’t found any friendly locals to grab a drink with, the problem might actually lie with you.
From my experience, many immigrants create their own barriers by sticking strictly to their own ethnic group and shopping only at ‘their’ stores because it feels safer. As an immigrant myself, I absolutely disagree that full assimilation is impossible. Sure, you’ll always be that person with the ‘interesting accent’ where people ask where you’re from—but that’s the path you chose. Your children, on the other hand, will have a better future. Think about that.
I’m not an immigrant but I know many, even today I was at my mates house who is married to an immigrant and even though I’m on the right politically, there’s no difference in my opinion or interactions compared to if she was English, and that’s the same for all our friends.
I mean in-laws are usually a tough one for anyone regardless of where you’re from, however friends wouldn’t typically judge like that as they should respect your parters choice in their wife/husband. I don’t feel this is too much a British thing as it is an issue with the social circle you’re in.
I don’t think this is a “Brits” thing, so much as an upper-middle class thing. There’s no way that I’d want to be friends with people who are more bothered about keeping up appearances than actually enjoying what they really enjoy. I wouldn’t want to spend all the time wondering if I had said the wrong thing (and I definitely would have said the wrong thing!), thinking that I could become an outcast at any time.
Do you have any hobbies that you could meet people through?
There will be some people in every country who are just nobs and not worth your time unfortunately, that’s not your fault and just reality… some people aren’t nice people.
I have lived in a lot of different countries and so has the vast majority of my family, so lots of experience of being an immigrant in various different places not just the UK. Majority of my friends growing up were also first or second generation immigrants. Imo, normal (ie. Nice, average people) in any country are perfectly happy with immigrants and whatever culture etc they bring, so long as they also in turn try and engage with the culture they have moved into. Eg celebrate both your own traditions (and share them with your community!) And celebrate the traditions of the place you’ve moved to.
And the small % of people who are rude anyway would probably be rude to you no matter what because they’re just fundamentally not nice people, regardless of who you are…
I’m white British and have lived all over the UK. What you’re experiencing is not an immigrant issue, it’s a British issue. I’m currently living in a village in Hertfordshire and unless you have generations of family here, you will never be accepted into the community. The best thing to do is gravitate towards the forward thinking. There are some out there but they are in the minority.
Your issue is one of class, lower class people from the UK have the same difficulties integrating with upper/middle class people if they haven’t been exposed to those situations / ettiequte before
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Been here 28 years and call it home.
My family emigrated here when I was 13, originally to Scotland and other than typical teenage “bullying” mostly because of my accent which soon passed anyway, I’ve never really felt not accepted.
if you are polite and obey the law then you are most welcome. I hope England gives you many happy memories to look back on later in life. Wishing you every happiness