I was sent screenshots (unprompted) from my husband’s guy group chat. It’s messed up that they sent them to me but I want to know if I’m overreacting.
I’m very hurt and expressed that to him but he told me it was all in a joking fashion and I’m being too sensitive. First we were considering getting a roomba and he told the chat it was “because my wife is a lazy whore”. Then he called me a “dumb twat” because he thought I got rid of an old instapot. I’m 39 and currently pregnant with our third child and he said “the baby is gonna fly out of that old loose puss”. Then he said if we wanted another child after this one then I’d need to “assign him a younger predecessor for baby making purposes because my wife will be too old to have another”. I had asked him to go on a walk a few nights ago and he said to the chat “great now I get to go on a walk with my crazy wife”. I don’t know why he called me “crazy” but just another blow. This was all from the last month or so. Who knows what was said prior to that.
He said since I was just sent snippets of the chat and not the whole convo, I am taking it all out of context and it was all in a joking manner. And since “I was never meant to see it” it shouldn’t matter.
I don’t understand why I need to be discussed at all and if I am why they are all terrible (in my opinion) things to say.
Am I overreacting? What would you do?
50 comments
No ma’am. He hates you. This is something that unfortunately is pretty common BUT NOT NORMAL. You are pregnant. PREGNANT WITH HIS CHILD. He hates you. I’m sorry. He will resent you more over time. Best to run. Or at least work on a way out.
If that’s not the textbook definition of an AH, let alone an AH husband! Is he usually this vulgar and mean? Does he have any redeeming qualities? I feel for you just reading his drivel.
What to do, I’d consider sharing all this with his parents if they are still alive. Then I’d question if the wives of the others in this circle jerk of hate have seen their own special excerpts? If your husband happens to be the King AH of the dung heap, I’d seriously ask him to move out for a while until your counseling sessions become productive.
There’s no context that would validate those statements. He’d be my ex-husband in the near future. Not only does he not love you but he is not attracted to you, nor does he respect you. All of these things can’t be forced or fixed. You deserve better and your children deserve a better role model.
Um no you’re NOR. Idc if it’s a “joke”, it’s not funny and I would be hurt if my husband was talking about me like that. I get making some light jokes and picking on each other but this is just SO disrespectful. If his friends were to make a comment about you, I wonder if he’d take up for you or just laugh and add to it. He doesn’t respect you and it sounds like he’s too busy trying to show off and get his pals laughing to even consider your feelings or the fact he’s saying these disgusting things about his WIFE and the mother of his children.
Who sent you them? Also that’s just terrible, you aren’t overreacting, who talks about their spouse like that ever, especially with friends? He sounds like a terrible husband, even saying that he’s joking, you wouldn’t be comfortable saying terrible stuff like that about someone unless you believed it. You also carried his children and went through all that for him. He should have some more respect and love for you.
This is a red flag. If you didn’t know about the chat what would you tell us about your husband? Is he kind to you? Does he respect and support you in person? It turns out words can be pretty loud and he said some very rude things. I always find it interesting when partners talk shit about their chosen partner! Their choice reflects on them. Saying shitty stuff just makes them look shitty too.
You are not overreacting…if anything, you’re underreacting.
Your husband sounds like he has a “fuck boy” mentality and thinks it’s acceptable to degrade his wife because his friends either do the same or encourage it. This isn’t joking, it’s a complete lack of respect. I wouldn’t care that it was “just the guys” or that you “weren’t meant to see it.” That’s actually the point, this is how he speaks about you when he thinks there are no consequences.
If it were me, I’d lay the hammer down and confront him, but only if you’re prepared for where that road may lead. Once contempt becomes normalized, it often ends in divorce. Don’t stay “for the kids,” and don’t force yourself into someone’s life who openly disrespects you behind your back. You deserve a partner who speaks about you with the same respect you give them, especially when you’re not in the room.
Have enough self-respect to walk away from anyone who doesn’t give you the same energy you give them.
For context, I found messages between my husband and his best friend where they talked about other women they found attractive, and the friend actively encouraged it because he thinks he’s God’s gift to women. I made it clear I wouldn’t tolerate that level of disrespect, period. My husband stopped engaging in those conversations entirely and now ignores them when they come up.
A lot of these men think they’re hot shit, but in reality they’re just insecure, emotionally immature man-children.
My god…imagine having this man’s spawn and he sees you like this.
Ugh. I’m so sorry.
😳😳😳😵💫 Wow, not overreacting. 💔 This would completely break any trust I had in the relationship, assuming he’s been nice to your face. There’s no context that make those seem like jokes. Please please don’t take this lightly, he is belittling you when you’re vulnerable and not around. Super red flag behavior. I’d be in therapy talking about an exit plan if my husband talked about me that way. 😞🤬
No, if anything you’re under-reacting. If someone felt the need to send it to you, it’s because he’s absolutely said and done worse that they have personally witnessed, and they are clearly concerned for you. This man does not love you, and he does not respect you.
You need to contact a lawyer in the morning to discuss your options, because this person *never deserved to call you his wife*, and I can’t imagine an apology or act of contrition great enough to make you want to spend your life with someone who does not respect you or love you.
Have had a boys chat for years. None of us would ever talk about our wives like that. Horrible behavior.
He cannot stand you. The enemy is closer than you think.
It sounds like he’s an asshole who doesn’t like you. Those fellas that sent you the screenshots did you a favor, even they knew he is an asshole and you don’t deserve any of that.
What the actual fuck. Who talks about their wife like that? He is a disrespectful jerk. Whoever sent you those did you a favor and you seem to be really under-reacting to how crappy he has been.
My wife doesn’t like me at all and I’m sure she still wouldn’t talk to anyone about me like that.
You deserve to be loved, respected, and appreciated. Not publicly mocked and denigrated. I’m sorry he has been doing this.
It’s up to you if you stay with him. Divorce would be a total mess I’m sure. But he should be begging forgiveness. I’m not even sure how he can make up for speaking like he did about you.
You want to raise kids in a house where it is acceptable to treat their mother this way?
Me and my boys do make a lot of crude and crass jokes in the group chat, but no one disrespects their wife/partner like that.
That’s not right.
Before I divorced my ex husband I absolutely hated him and I still do. In no universe and under zero circumstances would I ever talk about him to my friends like that, even after 20 years.
There is a reason someone sent you those screenshots and I would imagine the ones you saw are tame compared to other things he’s said.
Making foul comments like this about ANY woman is vulgar and offensive, but when said about your wife and the mother of your children, it is cruel and simply beyond the pale.
You can try to fix your marriage, but as someone who has been in your shoes, I would put equal effort into planning your exit strategy so you are prepared to move on to a more peaceful and emotionally stable future.
You have the right to be happy and feel emotionally safe. Repeat that to yourself every day for the rest of your life.
You were sent these screenshots because even the others getting these texts are offended by his disgusting and disrespectful comments about you. They feel bad for you
Wow your husband literally hates you. I am sorry OP but that is NOT normal or ok at all!!
If someone sent this to you, it’s constant enough they were concerned.
This guy does NOT love you.
You are NOT overreacting.
Your husband’s comments are disrespectful, demeaning and gross. There is no context or scenario, in this life or any other, that would make his comments acceptable.
“You were not supposed to see it” he said? Unbelievable
I would be very hurt and mortified. Do all these men talk about their wives like this?
If that’s the case, then I guess he’ll have no issue giving you the entire context of the convo. I’m sorry you’re going through it. Focus on you and your baby’s health as that’s what’s most important. If I find out my husband calls me a whore and talks about my VAGINA with HIS FRIENDS, I will raise hell.
If that’s how he describes someone he allegedly loves, what the f does he say about the people he dislikes or hates????
something I was told years ago that may help youIf your significant other is talking bad about you to others, even if it’s disguised as a “joke”,
it’s not humor. It’s a leak in respect.
Because the person who loves you should protect your name in rooms you’re not in.
Playful teasing is mutual. It feels safe. It lands soft.
But when you’re the punchline, especially in front of others, it slowly chips at trust and dignity.
A healthy partner builds you up publicly and addresses concerns privately.
They don’t trade your confidence for a laugh.
If it makes you feel small, embarrassed, or exposed, that feeling is information.
Love should feel like alignment , not subtle humiliation wrapped in humor.
He is being totally disrespectful and needs to understand how hurt are by what he is saying especially since you are pregnant. He is so cold
I’d be contacting divorce lawyers asap
Wow the name calling is horrible. Does he even like you? I’m sorry you’re married to him.
Absolutely not. My jaw dropped after he called you a whore. This is unwarrantable. I do not care the ‘context’ This is not a man who loves you. I would seriously consider other options.
I’d save the texts and see an attorney
Run, don’t walk
Well at least there is one decent person in that chat who thinks you should know who your husband really is. (Or maybe their wife.) That person knows you deserve better and is looking out for you. Because you have now really seen him for who he is unfortunately. There is no “context” where this could be joking. He doesn’t respect you or even like you. I’m positive he has in fact said things before and this person is finally tired of him. Furthermore, this guy is doubling down and gaslighting you instead of begging for your forgiveness, calling you “too sensitive” and saying you “weren’t meant to see this.” He is only with you because he’s comfortable and you have been relegated to a placeholder given his talk of getting someone younger. I know you’re in a vulnerable position now with two kids and a third on the way but take your time, take your focus and effort back from him and make your life about you and the kids. And when you’re ready, leave him. And do it in a way that blindsides him. Too many men turn into worse people once divorce proceedings start. Take your time. Time to grieve what you thought you had, time to get your finances in a row, don’t act rashly or let your emotions rule. You can even take years if need be and play your part given how little your kids are. Act as if you buy it and “forgive him.” (Trust me you won’t because you’ll always wonder what he actually says and feels now 😔) After all he’s been playing a part too.
This is so sad. I would be so upset if my partner ever did this, but also know that he would never say something like that about me, this is shocking. He clearly doesn’t like you, and has thought about (or has already cheated) since he’s already mentioning a “young predecessor). I don’t think this man is meant to be your life partner, and I’m really sorry to say that.. but life is short.. find someone who truly loves you. Focus on yourself and your kids first, without that POS bringing you down.
Soooo, who sent the messages? Probably someone uncomfortable with the things said. Or a sadist who wants to watch the fallout.
Either way, your husband is a right dick. I might show his mother
No you’re not overreacting. That’s such a lame excuse or argument anyway. He’s married to you and took a vow to defend you and hold you above all others. He married you-not whatever mirrors his desired emotion.
You own your feelings, there is no way to feel loved, respected and adored (which is what our vows mean) from a man who has such little respect.
His friends agree with how you’re feeling or you wouldn’t have accidentally received them.
Nor. In fact, You may not be reacting enough! That man is not it. Don’t work it out, don’t stay for the sake of the kids, get yourself together and leave. You’ll be better off. There is no way my husband would ever speak of me like this. Of course guys have their chats about us just like we girl talk about them.. but this is pure disrespect, dislike, and demeaning..this is not the way a man should speak about his wife and the mother of his children. Who ever sent those to you deserves a thank you.. without those messages, you may have not ever known how he really feels.
Absolutely HORRID!! Don’t sit back and take that . Any man willing to talk like that about his wife is disgusting . Dump his ass
Wow, just wow. I would be livid! This is horrifying. I want to cry for you. I’d be gone so fast his head would spin, that is if I let him live. He has zero respect or love for you. This is totally unacceptable.
It sounds like even his friends were disturbed by his comments. Enough that they sent you screenshots of them.
This is just disgusting, the way he speaks about you .
Not ok. My husband is a guys guy and a football coach. I also wondered what he said about me and the first time I ever meet a new coach or male they consistently say “he talks about you all the time, he is so proud of you he is crazy about you etc.” that is NOT ok to say about you at the very LEAST he has no respect for you. What a horrible place to be in pregnant.. get out of there you do not want sons and daughters thinking this is how they should treat your partner. The fact he said “you were not supposed to see it” is worse. So you would be acting normal to these men having no clue he talked about your “loose puss” finding a replacement and calling you crazy spending time with you is a chore. Ugh dump the loser
You are NOT overreacting. I know typically people are quick on the “divorce” train in these posts but please, divorce this man. I can understand why someone sent you screenshots.
You should leave now. And get tested for STD’s. He does not like nor love you. No one who loves their partner speaks like that about them. How would he feel if you started a chat and called him, “Wee Willy Winky” and started talking nasty about him. He would be having a whole entire fit. I do not believe it is safe for you. 🚩🚩🚩🚩
I don’t know if your husband hates you, but he sure doesn’t love you. I don’t think he even likes you. He’s got some weird ideas about what makes him The Big Man to his buddies, and obviously somebody in his buddy group thinks you needed to know how he trash talks about you to them.
I’d be crafting my escape plan. He’s a crap husband and he’s teaching your children the wrong lessons about marriage and partnership. Counseling is NOT going to suddenly make him and empathetic supportive partner.
I don’t often counsel divorce, but honestly, he’s gaslighting you, making excuses for his inexcusable behavior. He’s just a terrible human.
If I ever found out that my partner said anything like that about me, it would be over. You will NOT say awful things about me to ANYONE, you will NOT make tasteless “jokes” and embarrass me in front of mutual acquaintances, you will NOT make me question my sanity or emotional reactions.
ask him to explain the “joke”. no one should be speaking this way about their partner.
I have screenshots of my husband saying horrible things about me to his friends. To his friends who, I also considered good friends. He could never keep anything in and ran his mouth about everything. A lot of our friends took a step back from our lives because he was so awful about it.
We have been separated for 3 months now. All my friends have come back telling me how proud they are of me that I left.
I’m really sorry that you are going through this. It HURTS so bad. I get it. The pain, the shame, the anger and embarrassment. It’s a huge breach of trust that is hard to come back from.
I’m not here to tell you what to do. I just want you know I wish you the best ♥️
Husband to a wife here, when I hear other men speak about their wives like this, or even any other woman, I speak up. I wouldn’t never insult my wife to anyone. I am not perfect and am definitely guilty of saying things I shouldn’t have directly to her in a heated moment but I would NEVER dishonor her image or likeness to anyone else.
This is the kind of “not meant for you and there’s a locker room context” that we’re discovering in the Epstein files and various other places. He’s simply a disgusting misogynist bonding with other disgusting misogynists over their abuse of women. Please keep yourself safe from this man, especially emotionally right now.
I would be FURIOUS and so hurt. My husband has a group chat with his buddies and while they tease and joke, I have never seen anything close to that type of talk. The way he speaks about you is outrageously disrespectful and degrading. I’m so sorry.
> “I was never meant to see it” so it shouldn’t matter
That’s a wild take. So, had you never seen them then he’d continue to make these so-called “jokes?” And texts aside, he prob says worst stuff when he hangs with them in person.
> just sent snippets of the chat and not the whole convo
Yeah, probably because no one egged him on or prompted him to say any of that. He’s a POS
> I was sent screenshots (unprompted) from my husband’s guy group chat. It’s messed up that they sent them to me
This person took a great social risk to do something that aligned with his morals. This type of men should be celebrated, not criticized. It’s probably much easier for you to criticize him than your husband for the disgusting things he said, but oh well, no good deed goes unpunished.
I don’t even understand your question. You don’t say what behavior you did that was supposedly an overreaction. I can say that no amount of ”context” would justify the things he said (and if it would, why hasn’t he shown it to you?) and that even if he thinks these were just ”jokes” (he doesn’t) it’s not funny in any way. It is so unfunny that someone who is his friend felt uncomfortable enough to send this to you. You ask what would we do. I can say that for me personally, someone who would be talking about my vagina to his friends in general, let me alone to say that I’m so loose my baby would fly out would never have the privilege to see me naked again. But you don’t seem to have a lot of self respect so I can’t speak for you.
To all the women who read this: humans tend to protect the people they love even when they do shitty things and would rather blame the messenger because it’s less hurtful than to face reality. If there were more men like the one who sent OP the screenshots there wouldn’t be so much rampant sexism, telegram groups with pics of their wifes, etc. It shocks me that reading the comments I don’t see any addressing the fact that OP says that sending her this was ”messed up”. These men are our allies and we need to acknowledge that.