My wife is dealing with perimenopause plus a chronic illness (Crohn’s). Between the hormonal shifts, pain, medication side effects, and just general exhaustion, our sex life has basically flatlined.

I know this is a season and not forever. I know she’s not rejecting me personally. I know her pain is real. But I’m also still a 40-something guy with a sex drive that didn’t get the memo.

I’ve had to do some serious internal work around resentment, shame, and managing my own needs without making her feel worse. It’s been… a process.

For guys in similar situations – how are you handling it? What conversations have helped? What’s working (or not working) for you?

Not looking for “just leave her” or “man up and deal with it” – looking for real talk from guys actually navigating this.


36 comments

  1. Here’s an original copy of /u/Correct_Board_5458’s post (if available):

    My wife is dealing with perimenopause plus a chronic illness (Crohn’s). Between the hormonal shifts, pain, medication side effects, and just general exhaustion, our sex life has basically flatlined.

    I know this is a season and not forever. I know she’s not rejecting me personally. I know her pain is real. But I’m also still a 40-something guy with a sex drive that didn’t get the memo.

    I’ve had to do some serious internal work around resentment, shame, and managing my own needs without making her feel worse. It’s been… a process.

    For guys in similar situations – how are you handling it? What conversations have helped? What’s working (or not working) for you?

    Not looking for “just leave her” or “man up and deal with it” – looking for real talk from guys actually navigating this.

    *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AskMenOver30) if you have any questions or concerns.*

  2. I hate to break it to you OP, but there is a VERY good chance this is your life now and you’ll be without sex until the relationship runs its course.

  3. Sent her to a hormone clinic and got her on the right track. We do the deed atleast 3 times a week. We both make it mandatory.

  4. You masturbate. You don’t pester your wife for sex. You don’t pester her for blowjobs or hand jobs. She’s going through a medical issue and you need to be a man.

  5. it should get better over time but ask the doctor for some hormone tests. she might be missing something. some people swear by testosterone for women. yes they have it too just much less and it apparently affects the libido

  7. I have been in a similar situation. I applaud your attitude! This is partnership.

    So far as “managing it”, my wife and I already had a solid, partnership based relationship, so she understood that I needed private time now and then just to relieve some pressure. She even help me find some good toys. Thankfully that season did pass, and, while I would never want it to happen again, we came out even stronger because of this challenging time.

  8. Well, I don’t really bring it up because my wife feels bad about it. (She has a condition that makes sex very painful.) But I’m not leaving, nor am I cheating. So its masturbation and gratitude for the times we do engage in sexual activity.

  9. I mean, therapy is really the only option you have but it’s another proverbial band-aid on top of all the other bands-aids keeping you together.

    At some point you may want to consider that this isn’t a “season” but really your “new normal” for the foreseeable future – perimenopause can last anywhere from 2 to 8 or even 10 years, and menopause isn’t this magical thing that makes your sex life all better again the minute it shows up, either.

    And this isn’t even taking your wife’s chronic illness into account with everything.

  10. I tried to bring up perimenopause during marriage therapy. Well I’m just a dumb husband and not a dr so what do I know? Our marriage has now run its course unfortunately, among a few other issues

  12. When I had to go through it, I had so much to deal with due to the crazy that sex was the least of my concerns.

  13. Find her a doctor that will actually listen to her and get her some help. Both issues are very manageable and will improve her quality of life if someone is actually willing to listen and get her medication.

  14. If I had E.D I would have a very straightforward talk with my partner about what I am doing to fix it.

    I dont think you would be out of line here by asking that she talk to a doctor about intimacy.

  16. Wife is in menopause with multiple chronic health conditions, fibromyalgia, cfs, chronic pain, arthritis in knees and pelvis, curvature of the spine, a special needs kid and a father who is stage 4 cancer.

    This has been going on a long time… years. Not just a season. For me I make sure I manage stress by keeping fit in the gym and I have a gym bro who keeps me sane with his really dark humor. I also speak with a therapist on the regular, journal. My wife didn’t choose this and it took me a long time to accept that it won’t actually change. My needs however are important but I’m also empathetic. Let’s take sex as a need as an example. Sex hurts my wife and having sex with someone who isn’t into it and it hurts is not happening I just can’t do it. I’m not that guy.

    Compromise is the key, holding hands, cuddling and kissing are still things. My wife is an amazing woman, despite everything she’s still the best mother, wife, daughter and daughter in law I could ever ask for. I know she loves me, I feel it everyday

    Edit: at the start I handled it badly, took it personally and blamed myself for not being good enough. These things unfold slowly and through therapy I realized this has slowly become normal to me when in fact these are major health conditions each of their own and my wife is deeply suffering sometimes quietly with no one on her side.

  17. My wife has Chrones. A full hysterectomy at 35. She’s 45 now I’m 48. Her sex drive comes and goes. We may have sex once a week or we may have it twice a week. I take it when she gives it that’s all you can do.

  18. HRT isn’t a magic bullet, but it can help. As can increasing general levels of fitness – appreciate that will be more of a challenge with Crohn’s.

    Aside from that, you ‘look after yourself’ when you need to. You remember it’s a partnership and you love her and have built a life together and your dick isn’t the boss of you. And if your wife is as fit as mine, you still consider yourself amazingly lucky when you do get it.

  19. Fuck man. I’m in the same boat. Turn 40 on Thurs. my wife has a mental illness and she have zero sex drive. We haven’t even touched each other in months. I miss sex. But she tells me she doesn’t want another “task” at the end of the day. It’s soul crushing and frankly w the mental illness and lack of any affection or intimacy I’m thinking of divorce. You have one life to live. Right. RIGHTTTT

  20. I have nothing to offer on crohn’s. But perimenopause is manageable by way of HRT, its basically a choose your own adventure tour at this point depending on how she wants to approach it.

  21. My wife went through menopause & I seriously wish I had gotten educated on it sooner. I think a lot of couples are blindsided by it. Women know it’s on the horizon but feeling the effects is a whole different thing.

  22. As a women who took care of a man who had testicular cancer while in her 20’s and was going to college to be a sex therapist.

    You just deal with it. My sex drive didn’t get the memo either and I was literally talking about sex all evening and couldn’t have it because chemo.

    This is when I got heavily into toys and porn. You do what you have to do.

  24. My wife and I had a great sex life up until her hitting menopause. I’m in excellent physical condition despite being a few years older than her. I feel your pain brother. Lucky if I get it once a month now. Thankfully I’ve reached a state where I’m almost as gratified with masturbation. I love her and I don’t want her feeling obligated or obliged to satisfy me when she’s just not feeling it. A younger man might go looking elsewhere and I’ve had offers from younger women but I never had a lot of appetite for unnecessary drama and I’m fiercely loyal to my wife. So… yeah. It helps that she turns a blind eye to my porn scrolling. New material helps get it done.

  25. I doubt any version of “that talk” is going to really help anything. Probably only add more pressure. This isn’t something you can discuss your way out of* as it isn’t an intellectual problem. (*some exclusions apply).

    My only suggestion is to read about responsive desire. Emily Nagoski has 2 books on the subject.

    tl;dr: for most women in long term relationships, sexual desire is *very* context dependent. She needs to recognize and accept this about herself. You need to recognize and accept this about her. The end.

    We were in a similar spot 2 years ago and learning about responsive desire and making some changes to the way I approach sex personally has led to some significant although slow improvement.

  26. Wife (44M) in peri, still genuinely wants to take care of me. She will occasionally want something for herself too, but most of the time she finishes me with non PIV methods. She’s working on getting on a HRT protocol that works for her, as well.

    She gets whatever physical touch she wants—whenever she wants it—from me. This usually means back, shoulder, neck, scalp, massages etc etc etc.

    I’m grateful.

  28. If this thread isn’t an advertisement for never getting married, I don’t know what is.

  31. Other forms of skin-on-skin contact. Sleep naked and cuddle lots and don’t try anything while you do. That takes the edge off.

    When you watch TV on the couch, cuddle. Unless she ia having a hot flash.

    Masturbate when you need to.

    And as Dan Savage says, a handjob lovingly given and joyfully recieved, is pretty nice. Our language for that is “Let me take care of you.”

  33. My wife is in Peri. She might have IBS. She is definitely on a depression med that has killed libido.

    How do I deal?

    I block off times on the calendar that are special (date nights, get away’s, and adventures in the PNW). Psychologically, it is for the health of the marriage. I think we’ve had sex 3-4 times in the last year.

    I don’t want to push duty sex. That’s not okay for me.

    I do get the kids out a lot because I think that it is healthy for her to have her own space. I got both kids out yesterday from 3pm to 8:30pm. Today, I got my son out of the house the majority of the day.

    I also get them out camping.

    I’ve probably turned into a bit of a workaholic. I’m looking forward to hit the gym more. I’m trying to cultivate a bit more of my spiritual side. I grew up as a non-Mormon in Utah. I’m checking out Buddhism, Unitarianism, and liberal Christian spots with my daughter.

    It’s tough though, right? There is a hollowness? I try not to let negative feelings or resentment bubble up.

    I’m kind of like you. It is hard to deal with the absence of intimacy.

    Valentine’s Day I was hoping. We were kid free from 5pm to 9pm. We went out and she let me have a few beers.

  34. My wife got dealt a full house of chronic autoimmune stuff – Lupus, Sjogren’s, fibromyalgia, mast cell activation syndrome, plus she’s hitting perimenopause.

    It’s not been easy for sure. I definitely had to (and still have to) work my way through the feelings of hopelessness, resentment, frustration and general depression, and I’m not even the one with the disorders. The financial burden is there too – between health insurance premiums, specialists and medication, plus the whole family, we spend nearly 18% of our income on health.

    Thankfully our sex life has mostly recovered, and our biggest cock block in that department is our three kids, but random flares in her conditions will throw things off.

    For us, it comes down to communication. We talk about how she’s feeling, what the situation is like and we try to not be disappointed or upset with each other when something doesn’t happen as planned, and we just try to roll with it.

  35. Wife has had perimenopause with no desire. The local rub and tub has been a life saver when I am ready to chew nails

  36. It’s been years since my wife suffers from chronic pain and is even unable to lay down fully, let alone be physical. I never really thought about it really, taking care of myself and just doing other physical things has fulfilled my needs. There is no chance of this pain going away so that’s just how it is. I don’t resent her and I do get intimacy through kissing and holding her in her recliner. We’ve never had to talk about because we both know what we’re facing. She has mentioned it from time to time when she talks about everything this disability has taken from her, but again it’s just our new phase of life and living together.

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