Me and my partner have been together for about 4 years and we're both in the US in a very expensive area. We're both highly educated and work in good fields (I'm in tech). For the first 3 years of our relationship, she worked a job making like 180k and I was working a job making 60k/75k/85k (the job paid little but I learned a LOT of important skills). Her job was pretty high stress and while she loved it, the stress was high and everyone around her could tell. I told her to look elsewhere and everyone in my life knew I was underpaid so we both started looking for different jobs. She settled on a job that unfortunately turned out to be equally stressful and is now making 150k. I studied for a month straight and with so much luck, I found a much better job and I'm now making 260k.
I feel like I hit the jackpot. I'm making more than I ever dreamed of considering that I hadn't even cracked 100k at 27yo when I spent 5 years of my life crying and managing myself through a top university. I'm also totally thriving at work. Everyone is happy with my output and this tells me that I can kick it in the big leagues. My plan is to ride this out, jump from big company to big company every 5~ years, and build the track record that I've always known I was capable of.
I've also been a very ambitious person in the sense of I want to make money to take care of my family, support my friends, support my community, etc. I'm not a materialistic person at all and I come from a low middle class family but I realize how important money is. My parents were never the type to buy nice things so now I want to spoil them by sending them on fancy trips, taking my mom out on shopping sprees, etc. So many relationship/family/health/any problem comes due to a lack of money. I also genuinely believe that it's better to grind now and set myself up for success so that I can retire at 50 with plenty of money to take care of myself, partner, kids and even potentially their kids.
Meanwhile my gf thinks very differently. She is of the mindset that we must travel, experience working in different countries, and do all the things while we're young. Given the fact that she switched jobs and it's still equally stressful, she now wants to move overseas to find a job in a specific niche that'll pay less than what she makes here (even adjusted for cost of living), but is the niche she wants (she's worked in this niche before and she loves it, but it's highly competitive and not very available in the states due to politics). Of course for myself, If I moved I'd be making such a small portion of what I make here and I'd be taking my foot off the gas and I don't know if I'll be able to break into this level of company again.
She also says that I've become money hungry now and that she'd be happy making little money in the future and that we'll "figure it out". Like sure, I want to be able to afford a nice house, a decent car, nice vacations, live the quintessential upper middle class life, but she says that she'll be ok with a tiny dingy house, cheapest car, shopping at bargain places, etc. In her defense, I do believe her. Even though she makes 150k, she still shops at bargain places, buys food that's reduced, basically lives like she's making minimum wage, and tbf, so do I (but way less compared to her). My only splurge is food because I'm a foodie, but I still walk, take the bus, buy cheap clothes, no splurges, saves majority of my pay, but in the future I'd ofc want nice things and to just live a comfortable life. Like I want to have enough money where if I heard someone in my circle needed financial help, I'd be able to support them without a second thought and not expect anything in return.
She says that money isn't everything and a job can come to us at anytime and that because she's literally hating her life and crying daily at her job, I should want to support her in working in the niche she truly knows she loves. Her other argument is that since I work in tech, I can find a job literally anywhere but she realistically can't. She also says that this isn't a permanent thing and that she's willing to move for like 4 years and come back to the states after.
I've even told her that I'm happy for her to not work and I'll cover everything but she says that she wants to still work at least until she has kids so she has to move to get into the field she wants and after we come back, she'll maybe be ok with being a SAHM. All this is so scary because sure we can say that, but looking at the job market, it's so competitive and it's insane that I even got this position and if I left, I have a very strong gut feeling that I won't be able to get back in to this level so I don't think we'd be able to afford her being a SAHM.
Is there any middle ground at all? Or some way for me to make her see my point of view?
TL;DR:
My girlfriend and I have been together 4 years. For most of our relationship, she made way more than me at a high stress job while I was underpaid but building skills. Recently, I landed a huge career break in tech and now make $260k and feel like I finally broke into the “big leagues.” I want to capitalize on this momentum, build wealth, support my family, and set us up long-term.
She’s still in a stressful job (now $150k) and wants to move overseas to work in a niche she loves that pays less and isn’t very available in the U.S. I’d likely take a massive pay cut and risk losing my current career trajectory if we moved. She believes we should prioritize experiences and fulfillment now and “figure out” money later. I believe this is the critical window to grind and secure our future.
She thinks I’ve become money-focused; I think I’m being strategic. We both want good lives but have very different timelines and risk tolerance. Is there a middle ground, or are we fundamentally misaligned on priorities?