As title states. We were playing cards last night and while he was putting away the cards into the box, he asked me to close my eyes for a surprise. I did, he snuck my favourite ring into the box and gave it to me. I opened it, saw it, rolled my eyes, and he thought it was very funny.
He’s also faked other proposals in the past when bending down to tie shoelaces etc. I’d say about 4 or 5 times in total.
Important context is that neither of us want to get married so it is very obviously a joke.
He got really ruffled when I asked him to explain what was funny about it. My goal with this was either: to be in on the joke so I could laugh with him, or to ask him to stop because it feels slightly humiliating.
I pressed him further when he didn’t really answer my questions and he said he didn’t like to put much thought into it.
My feelings towards it are weird. I feel like I’m the butt of a joke and not like we are joking around together. I don’t feel like I’m ‘in’ on the joke or understanding it in any way. My worst fear is that he will fake a proposal around other people and I’d end up in a really awkward situation. I tried to explain this but my partner has a habit of shutting down when I bring problems to him. (He also got really offended when I told him the worst fear, saying ‘how could you think I would do that’. I feel kinda gaslit!)
Has anyone ever dealt with this before? It’s caused a pretty serious argument, he’s shut down entirely and hasn’t spoken to me since yesterday. what the hell do I do
48 comments
Why do you want to be with this person?
>my partner has a habit of shutting down when I bring problems to him.
This is the big problem here. He is almost 30, why he can’t solve problems like an adult? What if something big and really bad happens (accidental pregnancy, death in family, accident, etcetc). Are you left alone to fend for yourself?
Also I’m not sure if this is “shutting down” or silent treatment. On needs therapist. The other is common form of emotional abuse.
> He’s also faked other proposals in the past when bending down to tie shoelaces etc. I’d say about 4 or 5 times in total.
Yeah, no, I would have been done after the first one.
This is really strange behavior. I’m not sure how often people deal with this exact scenario but I’d personally be exiting the relationship simply because 28 is too old to be dealing with someone who hasn’t learned how to effectively communicate with their partner. If you hadn’t given an age I’d assume he was a teenager.
Girl, he’s not a keeper. He’s not a good partner material. You’re right, you’re the butt of the joke and he enjoys humiliating you. He’s offended because you called him out on it. Spoiler alert: he WON’T change. Leave now and find someone worthy your time and love
It’s hard being with someone that you can’t have serious conversations with. Someone you can’t trust with your feelings. Marriage or not, the person you’ve chosen to spend your life with should be the one person you can go to, to be in your corner, to trust with everything. You have every right to be upset. You have every right to have a partner you can trust.
What you can do is leave. You can ask him to get therapy to learn how to share emotional conversations. He’s old enough to deal with this better than the silent treatment, he just doesn’t respect you or care enough.
What you do with that is up to you. UPDATEME
I wouldn’t be able to deal with a partner that is amused by adolescent jokes. If you decide to stay with him make a mock up of a wedding invitation and ask his opinion, tell him you want to take him to a special place and drive to a bridal salon or go to a jewelry store and when you get there ask to look at engagement rings.
Reddit never disappoints with these questions.
Are you absolutely sure your BF doesn’t want to get married? This sounds to me like a weirdly passive-aggressive way to start that conversational ball rolling again, without having to be the first one to say anything different than what you’ve both said in the past about marriage not being an option.
It’s telling that he just shuts down and pouts, when you ask him what’s the point because you don’t see the humor.
The next time it happens – and I’m pretty sure it’s gonna happen – ask him “What if I pretended your fake proposal was real? Would you want me to say yes? Are you thinking differently about marriage these days?”
Of course, if you are still strongly opposed to getting married while he has changed his mind, that will be a difficult conversation. It might even end the relationship. Maybe that’s why he doesn’t dare to say the actual words, and instead keeps creating weird performance art pieces around it.
Have some self-respect.
The bar is so low, its in hell.
Ladies, we gotta do better with our choice in partners. We deserve better.
If he always shuts down when you want to express your feelings, then he isn’t mature enough to be in a relationship.
Well well.. if he make this in front of other people, you obviously HAVE to say no. First, because you don’t want to get married, so why would you say yes? And second, because you won’t know if it’s real or not.. and IF HE FEELS humiliated, it’s HIS problem. But I’m petty, so I would definitely break up with him.
He thinks it’s funny to make a joke of your feelings, or about women in general wanting to get married and when asked about it he either couldn’t bring himself to admit or, lacks the mental capacity to have thought about it previously and felt uncomfortable being forced to think about it.
I’d mention that the fake proposals are giving you trust issues and that if he ever does propose to you properly, you’d not be able to truly enjoy the moment because you’d be looking over your shoulder waiting for the ‘rug pull’ moment.
Trust your instincts. Your gut is telling you he’s making fun OF you, not WITH you. I think he’s massively insecure and testing you to see how hopeful/disappointed you are it’s not the real deal. You don’t need to be that test for him to feel good about himself.
A REAL MAN doesn’t mess with the heart of the person he loves; he cherishes it and would fight the world to protect it. He’s not on your team, he’s in opposition to it and chalking up humiliating situs as little victories. What a sad little boy…
I’d insist in having a proper conversation about what this is doing to you and if he’s unwilling to do this, I’d leave, saying he’s played with your emotions too often to continue with a sense of security. he’ll accuse you of being unable to take a joke but a joke is only funny if everyone finds it funny.
but if you want to be petty and get in the gutter with him (not recommended if you want to hold onto your relationship), start presenting him with pregnancy kits and prank him with ‘we’re having a baby’ news before announcing its a joke…let’s see how funny he finds 4-5 of those!
Why are you with someone like this?
Sis, this is trash behavior. Dump this loser
He’s abusive. He’s an abuser. When he won’t speak to you, unless he said clearly, “I need time to process” then the “silent treatment” is abusive. He continually does something that you feel is humiliating? That’s abusive.
This won’t get better. It will get worse.
I suggest reading up on abuse. I think you’ll find other things he does are abusive. Then leave him. DTMFA. Your future self will thank you.
Make yourself apart of the joke! Every time he goes to fake propose just act embarrassed and reject him. Like oh nooo please you know I would never marry you. Can’t believe you’re proposing when you know my answer is never! Turn it around and embarrass him instead. Bonus points if people are around
The sex cannot be that damn good.
OP, if you insist on being in this juvenile relationship, and you think he’ll do this again, they just be prepared to ask him, out loud, in front of everyone,
“Why are you proposing? We’ve discussed this. Neither of us want to get married. You’ve done this multiple times before. Please tell me why you are doing this.”
Call his ass out. Publicly.
Girl, next time when he fakes proposing, fakes being pregnant. Then tells him you don’t know you think you may or may not be pregnant. Give him a taste of his medicine. Tell him his joke is nauseating. And he is pregnant with immaturity
Um I don’t think he’s really faking the proposals. I think he says they are jokes after you respond negatively but he keeps trying in case one day you say yes. I personally don’t think you two are very aligned in terms of where you both are in life. I mean just the fact alone that you can’t talk to him about your feelings without him shutting down screams of immaturity. He is almost 30 and he does that and plays games with you. Cut your losses and leave this loser.
Seems like a really good idea that you don’t want to marry him… now dump him.
Next time if he does this publicly simply say “ew, no” and laugh in his face. If he can’t respect you, why should you respect him?
On a more serious note, it is concerning that he’s 28 and doing this shit…you’d expect that from 14 year olds💀
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 he likes your humiliation
Get him a penis enlarger toy. Keep randomly giving it. Nta
Your bf is a jerk. He’s doing that to make you feel less than. Now he’s giving you the silent treatment for shining a light on his assholeness. You should rethink this relationship
Take him to the comedy club and publicly propose to him. Then when hes stunned say JK! Wasn’t that funny!
I say comedy club so he can learn what real jokes sound like 😉
If you want to make him understand how you feel, do a couple fake pregnancy scares and then laugh like hell in his face after a day or two. Some things aren’t really great to joke about or take lightly. He deserves to learn.
If the joke only lands for him, it’s not really a joke ur allowed to feel left out.
Why have you stayed with this insensitive man-child?? Ew
He enjoys humiliating you. You’re the target of these jokes, not in on it.
He can’t talk to you about problems at 28? Girl. You better tell him to start talking, or your life will be counting the problems and never have resolution to any of them
Why are you with this man?
> My goal with this was either: to be in on the joke so I could laugh with him, or to ask him to stop because it feels slightly humiliating.
Aw hun… You can’t be ‘in’ on the joke of humiliating you though. That’s why he can’t explain it, cause it would be admitting he’s laughing *at* you.
consistently fakes proposals? shuts down when trying to communicate? Wants you to feel disappointed about the fake proposals? yuck
It’d be 1 fake proposal and done for me. And he’s done this moree times than the fingers I have on one hand? Just break up. It sounds exhausting!
Besides the obvious red flags, he has some really weird energy going on with the proposal thing, almost like he’s testing you in a way, or brining it up because he actually wants to, but doesn’t to look like it.
It’s so strange that something he’s not interested is on his mind so much, like he’s projecting something…
leave him
When he does it next time your answer to the question should be:
Jesus, not even if I was SETTLING
HAHAHAHA
ITS A JOKE RIGHT?! That’s what he says. Do it while laughing your ass off like it’s the funniest thing you’ve ever heard. Bet he doesn’t do it again.
You leave. He shuts down and gives the silent treatment, makes you the butt of jokes, makes you feel gaslit. You know that’s not a safe or healthy relationship right? It’s abusive. Make it your priority to leave. You are not so desperate to marry that you’ll stick around for behaviors that hurt you from a man who lacks the ability to listen or communicate. He needs to fix himself. You need to leave.
Do something similar to him and he will get it. I reckon find a nice car parked somewhere, lead it to him with a blindfold, and then when he takes off the blindfold hold up some car keys and pretend you’ve bought the car for him. Give it a minute and then start laughing
Dump him he enjoys humiliating you.
Sooo…he thinks it’s funny to humiliate you, and then he likes to emotionally punish you when you try to explain that you dislike being humiliated?
I think he’s just a shitty boyfriend/person.
Even if neither of you want marriage, repeatedly fake-proposing and then shutting down when you say it makes you uncomfortable isn’t harmless. The bigger issue isn’t the “joke” it’s that he won’t explain it and won’t engage when you express a boundary. Feeling like the punchline instead of a participant is valid. If he can’t have a calm conversation about something this small, that’s the part worth paying attention to.
just humiliate him back tbh just say EWWWWWWWWWWW NEVER IN A MILLION EFFING YEARS WOULD I EVER MARRY UR UGLY NASTY ASS
Is he 12? Very immature and doesn’t respect your feelings about this. Both with the prank and the shut down, he needs to grow up. Send him back home to stew in his own self pity.
He’s a jerk. Stop wasting your life with this child.