This is going to be a bit long, because I’ve kept this bottled up for some time, and I’m mostly posting this for the therapeutic effect of putting it out there rather than for attention.
I’m 26 years old, and aside from a few dates with women, I have no romantic experience whatsoever. I haven’t even held hands. Back in school, there were a few girls who were interested in me, but I didn’t pursue anything because I wasn’t ready for it. When I turned 18, I matured and felt more ready for a relationship, but at the same time I barely tried, because I wasn’t unhappy being alone. I’m still not.
But now, at 26, I feel like I need to be more proactive. I’m not aromantic or asexual, and I don’t want to suddenly realize in my 30s that I’m no longer okay with being alone. So over half a year ago, I started online dating.
In terms of likes and matches, it’s going well. From what I know about online dating stats, my profile probably performs in the top third. I’m 6’3” and I think I’m fairly good-looking. Friends and family tell me that too, and I can tell they really mean it. In my university class there are about a dozen guys, and I’m pretty confident I’d easily be in the top two by mainstream standards. I also believe that all people who know me would agree that I’d make a great partner.
So far, I’ve been on dates with seven different women, and everyone except one agreed to meet again. So I don’t think I come across as off-putting. I usually ask for a second date over text instead of in person, because I don’t want them to feel pressured to say yes on the spot. Some women I’ve chatted with even told me they never had such good conversations in a dating context before.
And still, none of it has led to anything. Some time after the first or second date, suddenly they don’t have time to date anymore, they slowly stop replying, they ghost me, or they met someone else. I’m rather introverted, and all these “talking stages,” starting from zero with each new person, cost me a lot of energy. I hate it.
Seven women in over half a year of online dating might not sound like much to some people, but I still find it exhausting. And there were more chats that didn't materialize into dates. So much time is wasted swiping and chatting for nothing. I don’t even have high expectations. I’m just looking for a nice, smart, normal woman. I don’t care if she’s overweight (just not morbidly obese), poor, or anything like that. Considering what I bring to the table and what I’m looking for, I feel like it shouldn’t be this hard.
I don’t think I should have to date for another two years and meet 20 different women just to find a girlfriend—or even to have the most basic romantic physical experience—but that’s what it feels like it’s heading toward. I know this might sound demanding, but I don’t mean it that way. It’s just that I look around and see guys who are worse than me in almost every way, and they still get nice, cute girlfriends or at least SOME kind of romantic action without trying so many times for so long. And I can't even reach the point where I get a simple kiss. I feel super unlucky and frustrated, and it just doesn’t make sense to me. It’s not only about the outcome itself, but the context I see it in.
Women clearly see me as an option, but it feels like it’s impossible for them to be excited about me or fall in love with me. Rationally, I know it will probably happen eventually, but I don’t want to keep getting disappointed and frustrated over and over again. Again it’s not the rejection alone—it’s everything together that doesn’t make sense to me.
Maybe I can keep going on dates for another year, but after that I’ll probably give up and accept that I might stay single for many more years and just hope for a random stroke of luck.
I hope all of this didn't come across as arrogant or whiny. How many first dates did you go on before you found your partner?
Is anyone here in a similar situation? Any advices?
Happy Valentine’s Day, everyone.