I’m 19, and I feel like I haven’t made any close friends since middle school. I do have friends( not many, but some) yet I don’t feel like I have anyone I can truly be myself with.
There are a lot of things I like or think about, but I don’t feel comfortable sharing them with the people I’m supposed to be friends with. I think I’m scared they’ll judge me.
When I’m with people, I never know what to say. I’m constantly thinking about what I could say, and in the end I just stay silent. In group conversations, it’s even worse . I want to participate, I try, but I just can’t speak up.
I’m an international student in an English-speaking country, so sometimes I think maybe it’s because I’m not confident in my English. Especially when I’m around other international students who’ve been speaking English longer than me. But I don’t think it’s only that, because I was like this even in my native language.
I often feel left out of conversations. I can’t follow fast enough, and when I try to speak, I get nervous and can’t articulate my thoughts properly. Sometimes I feel like people don’t even hear me. So I end up just laughing. I laugh at what others say, but I rarely say anything funny myself. If I don’t know what to answer, I just laugh.
I’m scared of saying something stupid and being judged. I know it sounds irrational, but I feel like I have a filter or a wall between me and everyone else.
I also don’t ask people to hang out much because I’m scared they’ll say no. Even sending a meme on Instagram makes me overthink . What if they think I’m annoying, cringe, or not funny? So I just don’t send it.
Recently, one of my friends (we’ve known each other for almost two years) was talking passionately with someone they had just met 5 minutes earlier. I tried to join the conversation, but I couldn’t. I even felt jealous. When it’s just the two of us, we don’t talk that much.
I get so frustrated with myself because I feel like I’m missing out on so many experiences. Even today, my flatmates were doing things together and I felt left out. But it’s not really their fault , when I’m with them, I kind of withdraw because I don’t know what to say, even though I want to talk.
I feel lonely. Like I’m the only one who does nothing on weekends or afternoons. I just go to class and then go home. I don’t text or call people much either because I’m scared of bothering them.
I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I want to connect. I want to be included. I just feel stuck behind this wall.
Has anyone else felt like this?