I'm a 40F and I dated a guy in his 30s, and 3 months in I asked how he was feeling about us, and he said he wasn't looking for anything serious (he said he thought he was when we first started dating, but now wasn't sure) and is overwhelmed with life, and needs to work on himself, etc.. But he still wanted to keep seeing me and that "this isn't over." Then he slow faded and ghosted me.
I actually liked the guy at the time. 3 months into ghosting I reached out via email. I had tried via phone to reach out and no response. So something in me thought maybe email might be another way. And he responded like a day later saying:
"I’m sorry I ghosted you; That wasn’t fair. For closure, I wasn’t ready for a relationship and I didn’t feel the right connection. I got overwhelmed and shut down. I won’t be taking a call or continuing contact."
It's because of this interaction I decided to go on a dating break to heal. He could have said he didn't feel the right connection like upfront when I asked how he was feeling.
No one has ghosted me like this before. And I deserved honesty from the get go, especially after getting closer to him 3 months in. OK so I'm not owed a relationship, but I don't think ghosting is a good thing to do either.
I'm just frustrated with how this happened. Now I'm once burned twice shy, and don't feel like opening up to anyone right now.
13 comments
He was very weird for ghosting you. These men are not mature. I would say forget about him and find someone else. Also probably date around your age. Good luck
What an absolute dickmove to pull on you. You truly don’t deserve that, OP.
It’s okay if you need to grieve this. It’s hard to experience such thing. And if it gets hard, just remember; you could never treat someone like that yourself. And that is a gift. And you need to be with people, who has the same heart as you.
I had the same but after nearly 2 years.
It’s a huge manipulation tactic. I just said I’m going to date other people and moved on.
He wanted a relationship at first, changed his mind, wanted a FWB situation and then wanted me to wait til he was ready.
I said, nah. We’re done. Bye. Block.
The pitfall of dating younger men. He wasn’t mature enough for anything outside of personal needs. Accounting for someone growing up in the internet world of instant gratification and self importance, 30 is the new 15. Seems to be the case for most men and women in the age range. Lol jk but not really.
Hope you feel better soon! 🙏🏽👊🏽
The online dating game is toxic and is emphasized by the normalization of ghosting. It’s time to get off the apps
Don’t wait 3 months to find out intentions, especially at your big age
The best thing to do is state your intentions from the get go. I was seeing someone and I made it very clear that I’m not entertaining a casual relationship and only open to something that would develop towards a serious commitment.
They said they were as well but 3 months in he said that the relationship has exceeded his emotional capacity. Although he said he was ready for a relationship, emotionally he clearly wasn’t.
Learned a few big lessons – make my intentions clear from the start and observe their consistency for 3-6 months
Ghosting is pretty crappy and doesn’t feel very nice, but a lot of people do it 🤷
Be grateful he didn’t drag you along further making you believe he was into you etc. Some people will still lie at the point you had that conversation because they want the company and think they can ignore the other person’s feelings.
Dating these days is a mosh pit in a pig pen, regardless of the age. Lots of people want connection and closeness but aren’t actually prepared to let people in, try or work at it.
You need to be having this conversation much earlier than 3 months. You will know quickly whether something is for the long haul or not. He likely already knew he didn’t want to pursue a relationship with you after a few weeks but kept breadcrumbing you to get validation or to occupy himself until someone else came along. Guys will lie about wanting to pursue a relationship to still get casual sex. Then they’ll say “oh um actually I’m not ready its not you its me”, “oh work is crazy”, “I have to work on myself” or some other bs to protect themselves and not get called out as a bad guy, when in fact that is terrible behaviour. They knew exactly what they were doing or they wouldn’t be seeking out girls in the first place.
He absolutely was in the wrong. But you also have to raise your standards and cut something off earlier if its not progressing. Especially in your 30s and 40s its completely normal to be having the long term commitment talk early on. If you find yourself afraid to bring it up in case it “scares them off” then you already have your answer. He’s not it.
I’ll tell everyone who is dating meet up in person EARLY and communicate your expectations EARLY. Don’t let people waste your time.
See people ghost people for they lack mental fortitude to speak their heart out.
Some might be evasive to avoid being perceived as rude.
I generally speak my mind and people barely seem to like that.
That’s a fact.
Anyway, dating or relationship are supposed to make each other’s lives easier. Not the other way around.
I hope you are not taking the man’s ghosting personally.
If you are, then there’s some work to be done.
Good luck.
I think ghosting is just a very immature way of handling conflict and having hard conversations . It’s a cowardly/ hurtful for the other person. I’m a touch girl I can deal with someone saying “this relationship isn’t working for me” “ I’m not feeling it anymore” “we are over” but ghosting it’s just and ass hole pathetic thing to do. Luckily, my boyfriend now values healthy communication. There are great guys out there!!!
sounds like a manipulation tactic
Sounds like he has an avoidant attachment style.