My bf (35M) and I (33F) met December 2024 on a dating app and became exclusive immediately after our first date. On our first few dates he asked what I was looking for and I said I was looking for someone to start a family with, although I did not state any timelines. He said he wanted a family too and ideally kids at 38, and disclosed that he had been married for about 5 years to his long-term gf (didn’t live together before, was kind of pressured into marrying). no kids. We had our first kiss after 10 dates (3 weeks) and had sex on week 4. He told me “te quiero” (week ~6) which in Spanish is a “level lower” than “I love you”, and he’s been saying it every day since. We have since then also traveled, spent nights at each other’s apartments, talked about everything, done fun things, etc.
After 3 months he disclosed that his divorce hadn’t been finalized yet. I asked him to give me more details and he answered all my questions. He separated in August ‘23, tried to make it work for a couple of months beginning ‘24, and decided to start the divorce process in August ‘24. he had expected the divorce to be final in March ‘25 but it ended up happening until September ‘25.
This obviously put a strain on our relationship because he started to pull back. I confronted him about it, asking if he was sure he was ready to start a new relationship (he boldly said something like yes of course, I’m ready to find the one, and I know that’s you) and I asked what we were a couple of times, to which he said that he sees me as his partner but just felt uncomfortable having a girlfriend while still being married on paper, but that he wants that with me and he doesn’t want to see anyone else and was truly looking for a life partner, only talks to his ex about divorce process etc. I thought ok, I guess I can wait for the official public title if we’re exclusive and he is being consistent with attention, planning dates, calling me multiple times a day, spending time with each other’s families etc. I started to feel like I loved him at around month 5 but didnt want to say it and put pressure on him (I have also never been the first one to say it in a relationship so I kind of just hoped he would say it when his divorce was finalized).
In September, it blew up for me and I said I didn’t want to continue waiting for his paperwork to be done in order for him to call me his gf, and said I might want to break up, to which he said he didn’t want that and wanted to make it work. He got his divorce certificate (or whatever it’s called) later that week, so I guess he got lucky with the timing. I also brought up the subject about living together and he said he hadn’t thought seriously about it and would like to wait.
Couple of months later, 1 year mark of our relationship, we had a serious conversation about where this is going. I asked him if he loved me, to which he said something like “getting there/almost”. I told him that sucks because I already feel like I love you. And he asked me what loving someone meant to me. I described it and he said he feels exactly the same way about me but he doesn’t call that love quite yet. We talked more about it and he says he’s only loved his parents, siblings, and ex (but said it after 5 years of being together, and she said it first. I was shocked and asked him if he thinks it might take him that long to love me and he said of course not, he’s getting there). There’s also more background to this such as his parents never verbally telling him they love him “but I know they do, they show it to me in other ways” etc; basically their whole family’s love language is acts of service.
So anyway. I know saying ILY is different for everyone, but I feel like I’m at a crossroads here. More than a year is way too long for me, especially when I feel like I’ve loved him for a while and he is not quite there yet. On the other hand, he said he feels everything I described for me as well, only we have different labels for it. I’m ready to share my life with someone (have never lived with a partner and really want to) but I don’t want to wait much longer. Additional context, I’ve never dated a divorced man before. The thing is, I’ve been dating for so long and have had 4 other boyfriends and it’s just so hard to find a good, faithful, respectful man who has family values, takes care of his health, plans dates and trips, that I’m afraid of risking something good just because it’s going slower than I’d like. But I also know I deserve to have the type of relationship that I crave.
I’m having a conversation with him this weekend. it’s Valentine’s Day and he invited me to brunch, afternoon in the park and cooking me dinner at his apartment, and I know he’s not expecting me to bring all of this up and just wants to have a nice cozy weekend. But I can’t hold it in any longer. And as much as it hurts to think about breaking up with him, I’m getting ready for that possibility. I guess it depends on how the conversation goes. I’d love some advice on what to say, what to ask, what responses to look for, etc. Of course I have my ideas but would like external opinions or thoughts from someone who has gone through something similar.