Women of Reddit, what’s something you didn’t realize was emotionally exhausting until you stopped doing it?
February 10, 2026
Women of Reddit, what’s something you didn’t realize was emotionally exhausting until you stopped doing it?
42 comments
Trying to maintain a relationship with my bio father.
I’d spend so much time dreading days like his birthday or fathers day, because I felt an obligation to call, and it drained every drop of energy out of me. Therapy made me understand that I didn’t need to do it.
It’s been 5ish years that I’ve gone no-contact and it’s like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Always being the one to remember birthdays, etc., in the workplace.
Being cynical and negative all the time, mainly due to bad influences and trauma I had growing up. It’s unfortunately very easy for women to fall into this trap. I’m almost 23 now, recently converted to Buddhism, and trying to completely shift my mindset. I already feel a lot healthier.
Constantly thinking about food: was it too much? Not enough? Am I hungry? Am I not? Should I eat? Should I not? What should I eat? How much of it? I want one thing, can I have it?
It was an eating disorder and a phobia of hunger. Doing much better thanks to CBT therapy.
Now I feel like I have a lot of energy left, which is what I used to put into that.
Maintaining relationships with people who won’t go to therapy/better themselves. I can only listen to the same problems for so long. If nothing changes, nothing changes.
Opening up to the opposite gender, in hopes of finding a true companion/ friend.
Waiting. Waiting for others to join in meals, outings, hobbies.
Being the friend who cares when they didn’t reciprocate.
Dating
Being a human diary for some of my friends. I don’t mind venting but when it’s everyday and always negative it takes a toll.
Over-explaining myself to be understood
Being friends with someone who thinks the whole world is out to get them and is always so negative.
When I was single, having to rein in my sense of humor and intelligence so I don’t intimidate men
Watching news.
One sided friendships. Friends who don’t listen well and don’t want to know about your life.
Being that “go-to” person for people who just want to crib/vent/complain without even putting an effort to solve a problem or have a positive outlook on life.
Being the one who makes the effort in any relationship with no reciprocation. The one who remembers little preferences like coffee orders, birthdays, anecdotes and is there for them but the other person doesn’t do it for you. A guy I was dating sat across from me on my birthday dinner talking about himself for three hours, didn’t wish me a happy birthday even though he claimed he had it in his calendar, didn’t offer to pay for us and just texted me later promising to make it up to me. Once that relationship was over I realized how much I’d over invested.
Masking
Having friends who love drama.
I don’t love drama but I was validating theirs. For other reasons, the friendships have ended and I have SO much more energy for myself. It takes up the same kind of energy as “trauma dumping” (I don’t like this phrase because it is used to gaslight people into just not sharing any big issues by people who lack empathy, but equally there are appropriate ways to share traumatic events with people that don’t put emotional labour on them to become a free therapist).
Getting together with “family”. Just cause they are blood doesn’t make it right. Best decision I ever made was to stop and have peaceful holidays.
Entertaining men that aren’t emotionally available.
changing my behaviour because I was worried about someone else’s feelings.
example: I wanted to break up with someone but worried how they would feel. Or acting a certain way to avoid a male friend from liking me.
realization: why should I manage their feelings?
Being the default/primary parent. I was so happy to always be the one who got the kids ready, do school stuff, be the one they turn to always, and be the “favorite parent”, but finally it become exhausting and I needed more balance in my life. There was no “me” time as much as I tried and even though my husband was home, they would still run to me for the smallest of things even if it was right next to him lol. Now I’m still the default parent just because of how my husbands work is set up, but it is much more balanced in terms or parental duties and when he is around he makes it a point to do the stuff they’re constantly asking me for.
Pleasing everyone.
Giving people the benefit of the doubt when sometimes…. That’s not actually my job
Cleaning up anything that’s not outright hazardous filth. I’d rather read a book than clear the table of mail or wash a window
I am still struggling with this but; taking how others feel or think (about me or a situation) way too seriously or being too considerate of them.
Playing the game of society.
I dropped all pretenses after a spiritual awakening and I’ve never been the same. I’m also an atheist, it’s not crystals and tarot cards. It’s an entire perception shift.
Putting in extra effort at work that wasn’t mandatory, stuff like organizing retirement parties or celebrating Halloween etc. hosting Christmas. It’s very freeing to just… not.
Hating on everything, but specifically myself.
I’d be constantly beating myself up over every social faux pas, every awkward moment, every dorky fuckup
Then it was shown to me that I was the only one who remembered or cared. So I stopped.
Hating on everyone else… Well I just don’t want to. Live your life, it’s none of my business until you make it my business, then I’ll deal with it and we can both carry on.
Managing other people’s emotions.
Putting up with abuse, neglect and manipulation
Stressing over a man.
Running the entire conversation on dates with men who don’t ask me any questions.
I’ve started trying to leave more silences instead of immediately swooping in to fill any ‘dead air’ with more questions. If he can’t think of anything to ask me, he lacks the basic curiosity (or basic conversational skills) that I require in a partner, so there’s no point in continuing to see each other.
1 Dressing up at work. Who cares? Why am I wearing uncomfortable clothes and shoes. Unless it actually matters, I wear comfortable shoes and clothes
2 Relationships. I’m not putting in heaps of effort and they don’t. When I pointed this out to someone I was dating he said “ someone has to put in more effort”. Ew. No. Broke up with him shortly thereafter
3 Lack of reciprocity in friendship. Again- no. Be a functional, considerate adult or be gone from my effort
4 Gossipy, negative people that start drama. Hard pass.
Edit – formatting.
Performative femininity.
Resetting my nervous system. I have a chaotic life, I know it. But my CPTSD has had me in a hypervigilant state for years now. And with kids? I’m 28 and feel like I’m going to have a heart attack, literally.
I have been learning to stop rushing through the days, like each day is just another one to survive. My obsession with strict routine started after I had kids, like if I didn’t have them in bed by 7:30, I was a bad mom. If we stay up, it means I’m not worthy of being a mom. If we don’t eat dinner right at 5:30, I’m a bad mom.
I was taught that I was here to be tolerated and to apologize for my inconvenience of an existence. I would sit here, anxious, as the kids are playing with toys and my fiancé was playing video games, and I’m sitting here just anxious. “I’m not doing anything productive… I’m a bad mom and partner..” the mental effort of making sure everyone else is taken care of – yet I’m neglecting myself. Trying to rewire my brain to be a person, my own very being, after years of dissociating and abuse… it’s insanely difficult. Over functioning and constantly being in distress is so exhausting and overwhelming. And now that I’m trying really hard to come out of it, I’m realizing that wow.. I just spent the past 3 years cleaning and obsessing over stupid things and forgetting to LIVE my life.
My kids went to bed at 9 pm last night. We stayed up after bath time and read so many books, and played so many games. I regret nothing.
Being married.
Meal planning – what to make for dinner. There’s only two of us but the stress of planning what to have each day lead me to burst into tears in the middle of a town centre because what I had planned (pie, chips and peas), the deli had sold out of all pies and it just broke me.
I would ask what he fancied for dinner – it was always “don’t mind”. When I mentioned one day I would be late back from work so could he decide and prepare this one time, you know full well I got home and ‘he wasn’t hungry so didn’t bother making anything’. Called it quits there and then.
I now batch cook at the weekend and eat my main meal at lunchtime. In response, he orders takeout four times a week then eats cheese + crackers or just junk food needing zero meal prep.
Respecting others who don’t respect me. I just don’t speak to them anymore, especially when it comes to family. Scream in my face? I won’t even look at you anymore.
Overdoing everything in my life and people-pleasing as part of my very core, plus not having enough boundaries.
!TW: I mention abuse and mental health (no details).
To be real, I’m still a people pleaser — just not to the point where it wrecks my sanity.
Growing up and into my 20s, I had way less confidence than I do now. I genuinely thought that if I “fixed” myself, stayed endlessly emotionally available, and made people feel good (by being helpful, entertaining, agreeable), I’d finally feel secure and valued. Turns out… nope. (Love that for me. 😅)
That kind of generosity can backfire hard, especially when you’re young and still figuring yourself out.
Over time, my interactions taught me some painful lessons. I also live with panic disorder/GAD, MDD, ADHD, and complex PTSD (and a few other things), and some of it was missed or misdiagnosed for years — which made growing up rough.
I got put down a lot, and even though I was pretty self-aware and resilient, the people-pleasing kept me stuck in patterns where I overgave and didn’t protect my energy.
Add in trauma and abuse, limited resources, and ZERO family support, I was living in an exhausting autopilot mode. It’s exhausting to just keep functioning and getting yourself through the day, year after year, to sustain random strangers’ roofs over your head while renting.
Now I understand myself (and people) a lot better. I don’t go out of my way to be liked anymore. I’m more laid back, and if someone doesn’t like me, that’s their prerogative — I keep it moving. I try to redirect my emotions until I’m somewhere safe enough to actually feel them and let them out.
If you read this far, congrats. 😭 I’m sure some of it overlaps with being neurodivergent and constantly misunderstood, but yeah… that’s a whole other post.
ʕっ•ᴥ•ʔっ I hope this helps at least one person❤️
Maintaining friendships with exhausting people just because we’d been friends for decades it felt like I was supposed to
Once I let those people go, my life fell into place.
Didn’t realize how their toxicity was subconsciously affecting my choices in my own life
42 comments
Trying to maintain a relationship with my bio father.
I’d spend so much time dreading days like his birthday or fathers day, because I felt an obligation to call, and it drained every drop of energy out of me. Therapy made me understand that I didn’t need to do it.
It’s been 5ish years that I’ve gone no-contact and it’s like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Always being the one to remember birthdays, etc., in the workplace.
Being cynical and negative all the time, mainly due to bad influences and trauma I had growing up. It’s unfortunately very easy for women to fall into this trap. I’m almost 23 now, recently converted to Buddhism, and trying to completely shift my mindset. I already feel a lot healthier.
Constantly thinking about food: was it too much? Not enough? Am I hungry? Am I not? Should I eat? Should I not? What should I eat? How much of it? I want one thing, can I have it?
It was an eating disorder and a phobia of hunger. Doing much better thanks to CBT therapy.
Now I feel like I have a lot of energy left, which is what I used to put into that.
Maintaining relationships with people who won’t go to therapy/better themselves. I can only listen to the same problems for so long. If nothing changes, nothing changes.
Opening up to the opposite gender, in hopes of finding a true companion/ friend.
Waiting. Waiting for others to join in meals, outings, hobbies.
Being the friend who cares when they didn’t reciprocate.
Dating
Being a human diary for some of my friends. I don’t mind venting but when it’s everyday and always negative it takes a toll.
Over-explaining myself to be understood
Being friends with someone who thinks the whole world is out to get them and is always so negative.
When I was single, having to rein in my sense of humor and intelligence so I don’t intimidate men
Watching news.
One sided friendships. Friends who don’t listen well and don’t want to know about your life.
Being that “go-to” person for people who just want to crib/vent/complain without even putting an effort to solve a problem or have a positive outlook on life.
Being the one who makes the effort in any relationship with no reciprocation. The one who remembers little preferences like coffee orders, birthdays, anecdotes and is there for them but the other person doesn’t do it for you. A guy I was dating sat across from me on my birthday dinner talking about himself for three hours, didn’t wish me a happy birthday even though he claimed he had it in his calendar, didn’t offer to pay for us and just texted me later promising to make it up to me. Once that relationship was over I realized how much I’d over invested.
Masking
Having friends who love drama.
I don’t love drama but I was validating theirs. For other reasons, the friendships have ended and I have SO much more energy for myself. It takes up the same kind of energy as “trauma dumping” (I don’t like this phrase because it is used to gaslight people into just not sharing any big issues by people who lack empathy, but equally there are appropriate ways to share traumatic events with people that don’t put emotional labour on them to become a free therapist).
Getting together with “family”. Just cause they are blood doesn’t make it right. Best decision I ever made was to stop and have peaceful holidays.
Entertaining men that aren’t emotionally available.
changing my behaviour because I was worried about someone else’s feelings.
example: I wanted to break up with someone but worried how they would feel. Or acting a certain way to avoid a male friend from liking me.
realization: why should I manage their feelings?
Being the default/primary parent. I was so happy to always be the one who got the kids ready, do school stuff, be the one they turn to always, and be the “favorite parent”, but finally it become exhausting and I needed more balance in my life. There was no “me” time as much as I tried and even though my husband was home, they would still run to me for the smallest of things even if it was right next to him lol. Now I’m still the default parent just because of how my husbands work is set up, but it is much more balanced in terms or parental duties and when he is around he makes it a point to do the stuff they’re constantly asking me for.
Pleasing everyone.
Giving people the benefit of the doubt when sometimes…. That’s not actually my job
Cleaning up anything that’s not outright hazardous filth. I’d rather read a book than clear the table of mail or wash a window
I am still struggling with this but; taking how others feel or think (about me or a situation) way too seriously or being too considerate of them.
Playing the game of society.
I dropped all pretenses after a spiritual awakening and I’ve never been the same. I’m also an atheist, it’s not crystals and tarot cards. It’s an entire perception shift.
Putting in extra effort at work that wasn’t mandatory, stuff like organizing retirement parties or celebrating Halloween etc. hosting Christmas. It’s very freeing to just… not.
Hating on everything, but specifically myself.
I’d be constantly beating myself up over every social faux pas, every awkward moment, every dorky fuckup
Then it was shown to me that I was the only one who remembered or cared. So I stopped.
Hating on everyone else… Well I just don’t want to. Live your life, it’s none of my business until you make it my business, then I’ll deal with it and we can both carry on.
Managing other people’s emotions.
Putting up with abuse, neglect and manipulation
Stressing over a man.
Running the entire conversation on dates with men who don’t ask me any questions.
I’ve started trying to leave more silences instead of immediately swooping in to fill any ‘dead air’ with more questions. If he can’t think of anything to ask me, he lacks the basic curiosity (or basic conversational skills) that I require in a partner, so there’s no point in continuing to see each other.
1 Dressing up at work. Who cares? Why am I wearing uncomfortable clothes and shoes. Unless it actually matters, I wear comfortable shoes and clothes
2 Relationships. I’m not putting in heaps of effort and they don’t. When I pointed this out to someone I was dating he said “ someone has to put in more effort”. Ew. No. Broke up with him shortly thereafter
3 Lack of reciprocity in friendship. Again- no. Be a functional, considerate adult or be gone from my effort
4 Gossipy, negative people that start drama. Hard pass.
Edit – formatting.
Performative femininity.
Resetting my nervous system. I have a chaotic life, I know it. But my CPTSD has had me in a hypervigilant state for years now. And with kids? I’m 28 and feel like I’m going to have a heart attack, literally.
I have been learning to stop rushing through the days, like each day is just another one to survive. My obsession with strict routine started after I had kids, like if I didn’t have them in bed by 7:30, I was a bad mom. If we stay up, it means I’m not worthy of being a mom. If we don’t eat dinner right at 5:30, I’m a bad mom.
I was taught that I was here to be tolerated and to apologize for my inconvenience of an existence. I would sit here, anxious, as the kids are playing with toys and my fiancé was playing video games, and I’m sitting here just anxious. “I’m not doing anything productive… I’m a bad mom and partner..” the mental effort of making sure everyone else is taken care of – yet I’m neglecting myself. Trying to rewire my brain to be a person, my own very being, after years of dissociating and abuse… it’s insanely difficult. Over functioning and constantly being in distress is so exhausting and overwhelming. And now that I’m trying really hard to come out of it, I’m realizing that wow.. I just spent the past 3 years cleaning and obsessing over stupid things and forgetting to LIVE my life.
My kids went to bed at 9 pm last night. We stayed up after bath time and read so many books, and played so many games. I regret nothing.
Being married.
Meal planning – what to make for dinner. There’s only two of us but the stress of planning what to have each day lead me to burst into tears in the middle of a town centre because what I had planned (pie, chips and peas), the deli had sold out of all pies and it just broke me.
I would ask what he fancied for dinner – it was always “don’t mind”. When I mentioned one day I would be late back from work so could he decide and prepare this one time, you know full well I got home and ‘he wasn’t hungry so didn’t bother making anything’. Called it quits there and then.
I now batch cook at the weekend and eat my main meal at lunchtime. In response, he orders takeout four times a week then eats cheese + crackers or just junk food needing zero meal prep.
Respecting others who don’t respect me. I just don’t speak to them anymore, especially when it comes to family. Scream in my face? I won’t even look at you anymore.
Overdoing everything in my life and people-pleasing as part of my very core, plus not having enough boundaries.
!TW: I mention abuse and mental health (no details).
To be real, I’m still a people pleaser — just not to the point where it wrecks my sanity.
Growing up and into my 20s, I had way less confidence than I do now. I genuinely thought that if I “fixed” myself, stayed endlessly emotionally available, and made people feel good (by being helpful, entertaining, agreeable), I’d finally feel secure and valued. Turns out… nope. (Love that for me. 😅)
That kind of generosity can backfire hard, especially when you’re young and still figuring yourself out.
Over time, my interactions taught me some painful lessons. I also live with panic disorder/GAD, MDD, ADHD, and complex PTSD (and a few other things), and some of it was missed or misdiagnosed for years — which made growing up rough.
I got put down a lot, and even though I was pretty self-aware and resilient, the people-pleasing kept me stuck in patterns where I overgave and didn’t protect my energy.
Add in trauma and abuse, limited resources, and ZERO family support, I was living in an exhausting autopilot mode. It’s exhausting to just keep functioning and getting yourself through the day, year after year, to sustain random strangers’ roofs over your head while renting.
Now I understand myself (and people) a lot better. I don’t go out of my way to be liked anymore. I’m more laid back, and if someone doesn’t like me, that’s their prerogative — I keep it moving. I try to redirect my emotions until I’m somewhere safe enough to actually feel them and let them out.
If you read this far, congrats. 😭 I’m sure some of it overlaps with being neurodivergent and constantly misunderstood, but yeah… that’s a whole other post.
ʕっ•ᴥ•ʔっ I hope this helps at least one person❤️
Maintaining friendships with exhausting people just because we’d been friends for decades it felt like I was supposed to
Once I let those people go, my life fell into place.
Didn’t realize how their toxicity was subconsciously affecting my choices in my own life