30F. I haven't gone on a date since the breakup with my ex in October, and honestly, I don't expect to. Back when I met him, I'd been through so much nightmare nonsense with dating that mentally, I decided that either it worked with him or I was done. It didn't work with him, and so far, I don't even have the desire to date again. Don't get me wrong; I'm glad we broke up and we were not going to work long-term. I don't particularly miss him or still have feelings for him, so it's not like I'm stuck on that person. I just… lost interest in the whole deal.
I've never been in a serious relationship or had any kind of consensual sexual experience with anyone, and I don't think I am meant to have those experiences in my lifetime. I haven't felt safe enough to have sex because most of the men I've dated don't seem to hear me when I say don't touch me without consent. It is my most ironclad, unmovable boundary. That's really been the crux of the issue for me. I can set this boundary till I am blue in the face: ask permission, wait for me to come to you (if I feel safe, I will)! And I'll still have men who just ignore it. It's enough of a problem that I genuinely do not think I can date again. Like, it stopped being fun.
I'd like to experience love someday, find a life partner, grow close to someone. This is something I will have to mourn because it's unlikely I'll find that. I just cannot deal with one more handsy guy who doesn't hear or respect the word "no".
Just a vent.
10 comments
Vent heard 🫡
You are not broken. You are tired of being disrespected.
Never give up twin
Its your coping mechanism for not getting humiliated in love again. Therapy would be nice.
Would you be open to reducing your rigid boundaries or in other words your boundaries rigidness with a long-term partner?
For instance your partner respects your hard boundaries and you guys date for 6 months to one year, are you open to renegotiating some of the basics at that point, for example if you’ve kissed and hugged a lot or are you open to implied kissing and hugging as being acceptable unless you say no or not right now after that longer period of time and then eventually reducing some of the other boundaries to a more standard level?
Again this question is within the context of somebody you’ve already been dating for a long time who has up until this point respected your boundaries, and is having this conversation with you prior to moving to the next stage, so it’s not a surprise. Somebody you’ve already had relations with.
This. I am the same age as you. I feel I haven’t experienced real love from a man yet and it’s absolutely disheartening. Every man I have been with has always heavily sexualized me. I was with my fiancé 2 years before having sex due to religious reasons and he still treated me like an object after. It shattered me. The only way I’ll date again is if someone wants to get married prior to sex. I just can’t go through it again.
Oh babes. You’ve got some barriers that can make finding love more challenging, but that doesn’t necessarily make it unlikely. Take all the dating breaks you need to stay sane, and only put yourself out there when you’re on semi-solid ground. Also, fuck your childhood abuser and all those assholes who couldn’t hold space for your needs.
Take all the time you need, you’re in no rush to start things up or feel the need to do anything at all.
Somebody you’ve already had relations with.
You aren’t asking for too much; you’re just asking the wrong people. It’s totally valid to be ‘done’ with the noise. Wishing you a season of life where you feel 100% safe, respected, and at peace with your own company. You deserve that more than a bad date. ❤️