My best friend and I are pretty similar. I'm single, she's married. I was dating a guy similar to her husband off and on for fourteen years but everything came to a head at the end of 2024 and we went our separate ways.
Both of our partners were similar in that they both display avoidant attachment style, both of them get extremely immersed into their hobbies and/or work.
I'm the kind of person who has no issue spending time alone, but when I'm in a relationship with somebody I'm close to – I enjoy seeing them often. When we're together, if we're comfortable, we don't have to be engaged in the same activity but proximal presence is nice (for example, one of us watching a tv show and the other building a project). My friend is similar.
Both of our partners at one point have used similar language like "you need a hobby" in terms of us desiring to spend time with them. I've been wondering lately: how separate do couples actually live? Both my friend and I have spent a long time with the same people, and they are our points of reference.
How much time with your partner (or away from your partner) is ideal? Are we asking too much because we want to "do life" with our partners instead of doing it separately?
Thanks in advance! (I told her I'd report back the answers lol)
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The following is a copy of the above post as it was originally written.
**Title:** [Please help my friend and I decide if we’re unreasonable. How much time do you spend with your partner or spouse and if you live separately or together.](https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/comments/1qzp2ny/please_help_my_friend_and_i_decide_if_were/)
**Author:** /u/loud_cicada_sounds
**Full text:** My best friend and I are pretty similar. I’m single, she’s married. I was dating a guy similar to her husband off and on for fourteen years but everything came to a head at the end of 2024 and we went our separate ways.
Both of our partners were similar in that they both display avoidant attachment style, both of them get extremely immersed into their hobbies and/or work.
I’m the kind of person who has no issue spending time alone, but when I’m in a relationship with somebody I’m close to – I enjoy seeing them often. When we’re together, if we’re comfortable, we don’t have to be engaged in the same activity but proximal presence is nice (for example, one of us watching a tv show and the other building a project). My friend is similar.
Both of our partners at one point have used similar language like “you need a hobby” in terms of us desiring to spend time with them. I’ve been wondering lately: how separate do couples actually live? Both my friend and I have spent a long time with the same people, and they are our points of reference.
How much time with your partner (or away from your partner) is ideal? Are we asking too much because we want to “do life” with our partners instead of doing it separately?
Thanks in advance! (I told her I’d report back the answers lol)
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My husband and I spend every moment together other than when we’re working
We can go days/weeks/months without contact in my relationships, depending on the dynamic and people’s communication preferences – I prefer deep in-person connection to superficial digital check-ins, for example, so finding similar people has been excellent. As one friend put it, there isn’t a good or bad, it’s all about finding people with inner terrain similar to your own and working with one another to navigate as you find your way. It’s pretty cool, imo.
I think it depends on who you’re with and the natural rhythms of your shared lifestyle. My ex of 6 years needed space and would say things similar to your partner. My current boyfriend and I spend much of our time together, and it’s great! We camp a lot, just the two of us. We sit at home, we go out, I hang out with my girls, and he does his thing. We don’t usually think so much about how much time we spend together. I think we have similar intimacy needs and expressions, and it really helps. My ex of 6 years wanted and needed intimacy in a way that I couldn’t give to him and vice versa.
I don’t have a spouse but I am a one date a week kind of girl. I work 7 days a week between two jobs and have a busy social life and workout routine so I wouldn’t be compatible with someone who has so much free time they can spend it hanging around me.
I don’t think you’re asking the right question though. It sounds like you’re not compatible with people like this (people like me). Which is totally fine. Has zero to do with being “unreasonable”.
Answer: It truly….doesn’t matter
I cannot tell you coz I don’t really have a partner right now. I am seeing someone.
For me I would want to be in relationship with someone I want to see as much as possible. I am in contact with my best friend daily, often it’s a long call. So clearly I would want to have a partner with whom I don’t have less than that. I want a partner to live my life with. Otherwise, I am quite content being single.
In the past relationships, mostly we eventually would see each other daily or almost daily … and this is something I see as normal. With one ex we would meet once or twice a week and it was definitely a very dull relationship.
On and off for fourteen years sounds like… A lot.
This is like “how long is a piece of string”. Sounds like a matter of compatibility. If you want more “together time” then find someone who wants the same thing. If time together is a constant point of contention with someone that sounds like a big incompatibility.
>Both of our partners at one point have used similar language like “you need a hobby” in terms of us desiring to spend time with them.
I’m curious though if you do actually have hobbies that you enjoy doing on your own without having to have your partner around. It’s healthy to have that in your life.
My partner and I typically spend all our free time together. In a typical month, each of us will probably schedule one social event without the other person, at a time we could have been together. And we will do 2-3 activities together with friends.
That said, our work schedules don’t align 100%. We each work about 16 hours per week when the other person is not working. So we also have a decent amount of down time to ourselves. We use this time to work out (separately, 2-4 hours per week). I play music. I cook elaborate meals while she is at work. I watch movies or shows she wouldn’t like.
We spend most of our time together. Our free time is often spent watching TV together or scrolling on phones while we’re on the sofa together.
Only hobby I’ve got that doesn’t involve her is video games.. Although I don’t play that much lately. Might sneak a game in while my wife’s driving home from work, or if she wants to watch a TV show I’m not interested in.
Also have a bit of free time for random stuff because she works Saturday mornings, and has a weekday off. I find my Saturday mornings are usually just a couple hours of sleep in followed by few hours of housework though.
If she suddenly picked up a new hobby I’d probably think about doing it with her. And if it really didn’t interest me, I’d just play games or watch TV or something while she spends time on her hobby.
While this is our ‘normal’ there tends to be phases in our relationship. I remember there was a few weeks where I was playing a ton of Diablo 4 and my wife just did her own thing 😂
I think married couples with kids spend alot of time together especially if kids are involved. But j think singles spend time together on evenings and weekends and the dynamic is what best suits you and your partner. Its not one way or the other thats right.
However having a hobby is good for the soul no matter what situation youre in 😊
I don’t think its unreasonable, but ideally you need to be matched with someone who wants the same.
I know of couples who live quite individual lives, its just that they happen to live under the same roof and have (or haven’t yet) raised kids together. But that works for them.
But I also know of couples who are best friends – work together, live together, hobby together – and that is what works for them. I am in one of these relationships, and I love it. We have our time apart and don’t see each other at work most of the time, but a lot of our time is spent together, and that’s how we like it. So many of my friends are the same – there is no real “this is a boys trip” – if the girls want to go, they go, and vice versa. Everyone is friends.
But someone who wants a bestie and someone who wants a bed mate, won’t work long term (in my opinion).
So I was in a relationship for over a decade with a guy who called himself an introvert and someone who needed a lot of alone time. Our entire relationship, my consist complaint was that we didn’t spend enough time together. For 8 years we lived separately, we spent no more than 3 nights together a week *ever*. We lived down the street from each other as well, and on weeknights he didn’t even spend the night. Finally, after much pleading on my part, we moved in together, and I really thought we’d spend more time together. But weirdly enough, we mostly didn’t. His demands for time alone became bigger and bigger. And generally, I had hobbies, I left him alone, but I literally could not even talk to him or like exist in the same space if he was in his “alone time” moments, which often lasted days on end. In the evening, I tried to stay up with him, but it was impossible. He’d leave to go meet friends (such an introvert…) near nightly, get drunk at a bar, and often wouldn’t come home until 2 am or later. 2:30 am was our compromise for when he needed to be home by so he wouldn’t wake me, and he did that maybe 2/3 of the time. I’m pretty sure now that he had developed some form of alcoholism. Sometimes, he wouldn’t come back until 6 or 7 am. He’d sleep in way later than I would. All in all, I’d say we never had more than 10-15 active hours a week together. I was so lonely, and I kept trying to explain that this made me less emotionally invested in our relationship, until I basically felt no reason to stay anymore.
When I met my fiancé, he warned me he was an introvert, and I thought “ok, I’ve been through this,” and expected kind of the same distance, but to my surprise, he wanted to spend more and more time together — which was great! We have a really strong bond, a really happy relationship, and I think a lot of that is thanks to all the quality time we spend together. He still says he’s an introvert, and I can see his social battery run out with a lot of other people, but I don’t seem to bother him in that way. Fairly early when we were dating, he asked to spend more time together, and within a few months we were spending 4-5 evenings together. When we moved in together, we started spending even more time together, obviously. If he needs time to recharge, he’ll take some time going on a walk or playing video games, but we generally do our own thing regularly enough that’s it’s never been an issue. Just by living our normal lives, there are opportunities for alone time built in, and that seems to be plenty. I still get to do most of the things I want to do, I have an active social life and lots of activities I like to do, but we still find a lot of time for each other.
The short of it is essentially like yeah your individual mileage may vary, but IMO if you’re longing to spend more time with a partner, that shouldn’t be discounted. I’ve always wanted a partner who invests in the relationship as much as I do, and now I’ve found someone like that and the joy and peace of it is indescribable. I don’t think it’s worth settling on.
I am married (no kids) but we are both very curious and active with many interests/hobbies and enjoy a LOT of time and space to do our own thing, travel independently, etc.
We like spending time together when it is intentional and aligned, but neither of us are interested in “hanging out” by default or talking/texting every day when we are apart.
I think it is important to find someone compatible with your own preference, because otherwise it will be miserable for both of you.
It really depends on you. I’ve been in a relationship where my bf would be like a puppy! & now I’m in a relationship where he spends all his free time alone and I feel so alone 🥴 I want something in the middle! LOL it’s tougher to try and communicate this with people who do not know how to speak their mind.
I’m 40, my gf is 39. We live together. We spend a ton of time together. I WFH on Mondays, Tuesdays, and Fridays. She’s a teacher and gets home every day around 3:30. So M-T she curls up next to me on the couch while I work and takes a nap or reads a book. Afterwards, we eat dinner together and watch some TV. Then Monday from 7-10 I play games online with one friend group and she goes up to the bedroom for some alone time with the cat and her TV or a book. Exact same thing for Tuesdays. Wednesdays we watch a movie together after dinner. Thursdays I go to my dad’s on the way home from work (he’s elderly, lives alone, and is on my way home). She gets Thursday night mostly to herself, I get home around 9:00, and we hang out until bed. We spend pretty much all of Friday-Sunday together. I love spending time with her.
This sounds more like avoidant people trying to justify their lack of capacity for closeness, by making it a you problem.
The “right” amount of time is what feels right for both people and what they have communicated their needs as.
Where I live we call that a Mormon divorce where the partner never wants to be around and uses work or other activities to stay away.
I wouldn’t want that in a partner. I know a lot of people who are on with that but for me I want someone to share my life and everything with.
My husband and I spend all of our time together when we’re not away for work. When I work from home, we are literally together 24/7. We’re very happy.
I think it’s a matter of personality. I’m like the partners, I need time alone and with other people. My ex wanted to spend all the time he had with me and that was… suffocating. There isn’t a one fits all formula here.
My husband and I are always together aside to work. Only on some weekends, he works on his hobbies (afternoon only) and we would spend time at night watching shows.
Feeling the need to take a poll on this means you just haven’t found your match.
I’m similar to your partners I guess. I like when my partner has a hobby so they don’t need me all the time to entertain them. My ex was perfect in this sense – we both had creative hobbies and often spent time doing our own things in separate corners of the room with occasional breaks for cuddles/food. It was great. We both enjoyed each others company but still needed some space and it worked great for us.
In my early days I’ve had partners who had no hobbies apart from scrolling internet or watching TV shows and it was really hard with them because they needed constant attention and always wanted to spend time together. It was exhausting. I’m single now and to me it’s a deal breaker if my potential partner has no hobbies/interests of their own because most likely they’ll try to fill all their free time with me.
This type of question doesn’t really have a “one size fits all” answer and everyone will have different needs and opinions when it comes to how much time they prefer to spend together with their partner.
My first ex was very needy and had to be around me all the time it felt like. It was a little smothering and we never even cohabited. My second ex I did cohabitate with, and she needed a ton of alone time, like a crazy amount, which was hard to do in a cramped apartment. After dealing with both extremes, I personally like a balance. But I do agree that it’s good to have solo hobbies outside of you and your partners shared interests. I just feel like it allows you to still keep that sense of self as an individual. Of course not everyone agrees, and your results depend on you.