Hi, I (26M) was with my girlfriend (24F) for about a year until we broke up almost 2 months ago.
For some context, we are both from Pakistan and now live in Canada. Im first generation. Her family is very chill and accepted me while mine is quite strict/cultured. Even though I’m quite open and non-religious my parents wanted someone who is more religious etc etc. Thus, when they met they didn’t approve, big reason is she has tattoos on her arm and doesn’t practice too well. (My mom knew about the tattoo because she googled her name and found her LinkedIn lol).
After that, it kind of just went downhill. I still live at home, so it was constant arguments when I would go out, they would always try to talk me out of it etc.
It got to a point before the breakup where I just got overwhelmed and I realize now I didn’t communicate with her how I felt and ended it.
I’m making decisions to try to better myself now, right now I’m working towards moving out in the next 2-3 months and trying to set more boundaries with them. With that I truly want to reach out to her once I’m by myself because I feel like she was the one. She felt like one of the few people who understood and accepted me. I feel like with her time would fly. I could be myself, and we agreed on life goals, what we would want for our future etc.
A part of me is just not sure if what I’m feeling is because we broke up or because she was the one. Also, I’m worried about handling the family pressure if we get back together. I believe once I have my space and boundaries I can. I know regardless who I marry it’ll go like this since I am very different religion/culturally that I can’t marry someone they would be happy with.
I guess I’m just wondering if anyone’s been through it? I feel I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place.
TLDR; was with my girlfriend for a year and broke up due to family pressure. Not sure how to navigate getting back together and family dynamics.
5 comments
Where do you live?
You’re feeling grief, and this is natural. It isn’t because she’s “the one” because that’s not a real thing. “The one” is someone who decides to work together with you on building a happy life. Staying in love over the course of decades takes real work, and it doesn’t “just happen” like it does in the beginning when everything is all rainbows and butterflies. It takes sacrifice and compromise. Not everyone is willing to do that, but there’s more than one person out there who’ll be willing to put effort into that with you.
That said, you should give your ex some space. Get yourself established living alone and set those boundaries with your parents. It’ll be hard. They’ll push you harder than when you lived at home. They’ll test your resolve. You’ll want to make sure you know how to manage all of that before getting someone else involved.
Then, when you’ve figured out how to live on your own and pursue goals that aren’t necessarily in line with your parents, you can reach out and explain yourself and show you were serious about making changes. Maybe she won’t respond the way you would prefer (if she responds at all), but she gets to make that choice. All you can do is make the necessary changes in your life and open the door.
But right now, all you have is words and ideas; and actions will speak volumes in this area.
Stop being a wuss. Locate your balls, remove the shrink-wrap, and tell your parents that you’re a grown-ass man and they no longer have fuck-all to say about who you date.
Jesus Christ.
You need to move out and practice holding boundaries for a while before you try dating anyone. I would imagine the ship has already sailed on a relationship with your ex. Why would she renew a relationship with a person who has proven they won’t stand by her?
See who you are as a person outside of your family structure. Get comfortable with that new you, then try adding a girlfriend to the mix. One step at a time, and the first has to be independence.
It’s tough breaking out of the strict/ conservative/ religious mould, but kudos to you for recognising the issues and attempting to make your own decisions. You’re right to move away so that boundaries can be set. Be prepared for the guilt tripping that will ensue. They will not let you get away with independence easily. And as a first gen South Asian the family ties are emotionally strong.
Even if you live away they will still want a say in your future. It’s deeply ingrained in them. I think the best you can do is make them see that you are capable of making sound decisions and they can respect that.
Getting into a relationship that can weather all these challenges is a start. Whether it’s your old relationship or a new one. The important thing is being able to navigate relationships independently. Once you find someone you are compatible with, who makes you happy and vice versa then it’s time to take on the cultural biases and get the family to be on board with your decisions. Good luck x