I’m looking for some outside perspective on a financial dynamic that’s been bothering me.
My boyfriend (33M) earns roughly double what I earn (31F). Together 2 years. When we moved in together, his initial expectation was that we’d split rent 50/50. I had to push back because on my income it simply wasn’t affordable, I was left with no room to save. After a lot of discussion, we adjusted it. He now pays £2100 + all household bills, and I pay £1350. On paper that looks fair, but the reality is that on my £2800/month salary & London costs I still can barely save anything at all. Meanwhile, he is able to save £1k + comfortably.
What’s making this harder is his mindset around spending. He often frames money as something he’s “doing for me,” rather than as shared partnership costs. For example:
- He frequently points out that he “pays more” than me.
- He complains that he spends more than me on holidays, even though I contribute what I realistically can and he also fully enjoys the trips.
- He recently received a £7–8k bonus, yet still talks about spending on the relationship as a sacrifice.
Valentine’s Day brought this into sharper focus. He booked a dinner but explicitly framed it as doing me a favour. I didn’t receive a gift, despite him knowing I’d really wanted one specific £300 bag and despite his recent bonus. It made me feel awkward. I’m not expecting to be “kept,” or live luxuriously, or be financially rescued. What I do want is:
- fairness relative to income, not just equality on paper
- to be able to save something
- a sense of generosity rather than scorekeeping
- not to feel like I’m a financial burden
I’m struggling to tell whether:
- I’m being entitled/ungrateful
- or whether this is a genuine incompatibility in values around money and partnership
TL;DR : boyfriend has a different approach to how he spends money on us