I (23F) have been dating my boyfriend (26M) for four months. Overall, our relationship has been good, but we’ve had recurring issues around insecurities. We’ve been able to talk through differences before, but this situation feels different, and I’m not sure how to handle it in a healthy way.
Recently, I went to my mother’s house to pick up some belongings I had left behind. While there, my boyfriend and I came across an old diary of mine from when I was a child/teenager. Out of curiosity, we read some of it together. In one entry, my teenage self had written a very idealized description of a future husband extremely rich, tall, colored eyes, etc. This description does not resemble my boyfriend at all.
At first, he seemed calm, but later that night, after we returned home, he asked me if that meant I don’t find him attractive. I tried to explain that the diary entry was written by a much younger version of me, long before I knew what real love or attraction looked like, and that it doesn’t reflect who I am or what I want now. I told him clearly that I do find him attractive and that I’m with him because I choose him.
Despite this, he keeps returning to the diary entry and questioning whether he measures up to what I “really” want. I understand that he struggles with insecurities, and I genuinely try to reassure him and make him feel desired. However, I’m starting to feel stuck repeating myself and defending something that feels irrelevant to my present self and our actual relationship.
I dislike confrontation and really don’t want this relationship to end, especially over something written by a teenage version of me that no longer represents my values or preferences. At the same time, I don’t know how to continue reassuring him without feeling like I’m responsible for fixing his insecurities.
How can I reassure my boyfriend in a way that’s supportive but also set a boundary so I’m not constantly having to justify my past or defend myself over something that isn’t reflective of who I am now?
TL;DR: I (23F) found an old teenage diary describing an unrealistic “dream husband,” which triggered my boyfriend’s (26M) insecurities. I’ve reassured him, but he keeps questioning my attraction. How do I support him without endlessly defending myself over something from my past?
32 comments
‘Partner if you can’t get over me wanting a pony when I was a teenager then this won’t work. This was before I was dating, before I was having sex, before marriage was anything other then a movie ending. If you can’t get over that it’s pretty fucked up.’
I think you have said everything you can say. maybe ask him if there is some reason he thinks you havent grown in that time and if there is some other reason he thinks you arent attracted to him?
Good grief. People have all sorts of silly ideas when they are teenagers. If he can’t get over that then you’re better off without him really.
This guy sounds exhausting. You were a teenager lol, I think we all had unrealistic expectations back then. I know you said you don’t want to break up and I’m not saying that’s the only choice, but the fact that you’ve already reassured him a bunch of times and he’s still not over it is kind of absurd. It’s only been four months- do you want to deal with this being a recurring issue constantly? Because to me it seems like he is not going to drop it anytime soon lol based on this post
He needs to understand that the childhood daydreams are not adult desires. You matured, understand the world now and are a completely different person.
Good lord. This is a him problem and not a you problem. He needs to move past this without you having to explain yourself again. You don’t have to supportive about this, because he is being ridiculous and wallowing in self-pity. You don’t have to justify a years old journal entry from when you were a child.
He needs to go to therapy to work on his insecurities. It is not fair for you to have do the mental work to fix his issues. This is all on him. And if he isn’t willing to address his own mental health, you should seriously consider if this relationship is worth being in.
For the love of god you where a teenager, nothing what you think the world is and what you want turned out to be right, that is completely normal. You gave this romanticised version of what the future holds and should be. In other words, you don’t know shit on what really matters or what realistic relationships look like.
With that said, your boyfriend’s insecurities sounds exhausting, one or two questions are fine but when he brought it up a third time I would have firmly said “I have already made myself clear about this, why do you feel the need to keep bringing it up? You need to find a way to get over this or talk to a professional. I am tired of having to repeat myself. Either you believe me or you don’t. “
But if he is acting like this at 4 months? Does not sound very good to be honest. If you are bad at confronting, show him this post. And lastly, do you live together? You said “ returned home”.
He just has to get over it, unfortunately. In college I found a similar writing my now-husband had done for some assignment describing his future wife as someone who speaks French and wants to sky dive with him etc. none of which is or was even close to me. I was bothered at the time, I still remember it, but I also recognized both then and now that it doesn’t have anything to do with me.
Throw the whole relationship away. 4 months in you should still be walking on sunshine in the honeymoon phase. Things are going to get worse with time, not better.
unfortunately he’s not that emotionally mature in spite of being older than you. it’s going to be the little things you do consistently that have any chance of convincing him that he is enough for you, a lot of verbal and physical encouragement and reassurance. and even then there’s no guarantee, you may need to tell him that you believe he is enough for you even if he can’t see it and recommend that he get some therapy because you truly don’t want to break up with him.
Ask him to honestly describe his dream gal when he was 13.
(If the image isn’t idealized or a far cry from your appearance, he’s responding totally disingenuously. If he’s not forthcoming with a realistic “ideal,” then ask him what the girls he masturbated to looked like.)
Follow up with whether he thinks you should be insecure because you don’t conform to his 13-year old fantasy.
I cannot imagine looking at my own four month old relationship, recognizing *”recurring issues around insecurities”* (or really any “recurring issues”) and thinking that I should keep going with the relationship. No one should be expected to be perfect, but also no one should be expected to train a relationship partner on how to be a full and complete adult.
That his insecurity issues are being tipped off by some teenage daydreams you wrote in a diary makes it so much worse. This isn’t you going on about how your friend’s new boyfriend is your perfect husband material or telling him about how your new coworker is someone you’d date at the drop of a hat if he looked at you. It’s your imagination from a decade ago.
It might help if you tell him that you never followed your initial desires.
4 months sounds just about right for having inscrutities.
If its not working, its it working.
This is crazy I was borderline obsessed with Nelly (the Rapper) as a teen, my dream hubby. My partner looks nothing like him, I don’t even think it’s ever been mentioned in our relationship.
This is his problem, not yours. Therefore, you can do nothing to solve it. He is being ridiculous. You’ve already told him the truth and he is refusing to accept it.
If your relationship continues watch for similar thinking because it’s a dangerous pattern. Insecure men can be very dangerous. Thinking patterns like this often turn into jealousy. He may also be trying to manipulate you. Proceed with caution. I speak from sad, painful experience.
How exhausting for you
I can’t believe he’s having a hissy fit over something written long ago by a teen. This is so ridiculous
There is absolutely nothing that you can do to help him with this. His insecurities are his issue to work through and honestly if he’s acting this way over something as innocent as a teenage daydream then I highly doubt that he’s mature enough to handle more serious situations. How’s he going to react if a man compliments you? Is he going to shut down if you comment on liking someone’s shirt?
You may not like the idea of breaking up with him but consider what a potential future with him looks like and do you want to be constantly reassuring him over nonsense?
Honestly this would be such an ick for me. He has the same emotional maturity as a 12 year old.
When I was 13 I had a dream of my “dream guy”. He was a short stocky Fred Durst looking skater dude with bleached tips and a goatee. I just knew he was a vision of my future. I was 13, had just moved from city to absolute fucking sticks- blah blah blah.
My husband is a skinny redhead dude with a beard who wears boots and used to wear wranglers. You were a kid. Your boyfriend needs to stop being insane about this. It’s dumb. He has some really serious insecurities. You can’t fix this or reassure him enough. He has to grow the fuck up.
he sounds like he’s self sabotaging. like, we thought twilight was a good love story as teenagers, does he not realize people grow up and evolve their ideas of love and what an ideal partner looks like?
Have you asked him what type of girls he was attracted to at the same age? What his mental image of his future partner was back then? Granted, he didn’t write it down, but that doesn’t mean he didn’t have a “type”. And that doesn’t mean he, like you, couldn’t change his mind about who he’d want to be with as an adult.
He needs to let your younger self’s childhood fancies go. That was then, this is now. You have grown up, matured. Allegedly, he did, too.
This is like people of this decade wanting to cancel someone else because of a comment or opinion they voiced 10, 15, 20 years earlier. We all have childishly simplistic opinions as kids. Then as we gain more life experiences, our world views change. We grow up. We have to let people learn from their younger selves, and not hold them accountable for the rest of their lives for something they said as a teenager.
Your BF needs to understand this fact, as well.
It is not your job to continually reassure him, to bolster his self confidence, to ease his insecurities. You have explained the very common sense idea that you were basically a child with childish thoughts of what love is, and what you wanted your future to hold. The rest is up to him.
If he cannot accept that he was your choice, then you have to make some decisions.
Good luck.
🤣so you’re dating a teenage girl not a grown man. Got it.
If he does not have the mental maturity to understand that something you wrote ten years ago does not automatically reflect who you are today, this will not be a one-off issue.
People grow. Perspectives change. Adults understand that.
If he cannot grasp that basic concept, you will spend the relationship explaining yourself, softening your words, and managing his reactions. This will not be the last time you have to coddle him. It will be the first of many.
You have been with him for four months. Cut your losses now instead of four years from now, when you are dealing with kids and also parenting a grown man.
He has a lot of growing up to do.
**ETA- him sleeping away bc your bed should be “reserved for your future husband” is either a manipulation so you spend even more energy on him or a truth hes telling you that he is not good enough for you. Either way, why would you willingly subject yourself to this abuse? Breaking up with him isn’t any harder than being exhausted feeding a man’s ego at your own expense.
tell him once more that this is about your past and it’s irrelevant to your relationship now, then if he brings it up again, tell him you won’t continue discussing it. set boundary and stick to it, otherwise you will be stuck justifying your past for as long as you are together and that’s no way to live
You can’t reassure him, he needs to go to therapy for his self esteem. You can’t fix his issues. He has to
When I was a tween I wanted to be an elf from lord of the rings and marry Legolas. Like come on, dude. He’s literally letting a child’s imaginary friend intimidate him. I say you’ve tried your best to reassure him but I’m with you I don’t want to keep repeating it. If he can’t figure it out then idk what else to tell him.
kinda confusing with no title lol but i’m here for the chaos. what’s evry1 talking abot in here!
It is not your job to manage his insecurities. It’s doubtful there is anything you can say to make him get over this. He needs to do that himself. This is a huge red flag. He is jealous of a fictional person you made up years ago before you understood relationships. What is going to happen when you tell him about a funny conversation you had with a male coworker, or how much fun you had in a group activity that had men and women in it? I wouldn’t want to have to constantly police myself so as not to trigger his insecurities.
Ask him if he had a crush on a celebrity when he was that age.
Then when he tells you who it is ask him if you are still attractive to him even though you don’t look like that celebrity.
Dude is way too old to be caught up on this nonsense.
This is his problem, and you can’t fix it for him. Insecurity has to be fixed by the person who suffers it, by working on self-love and self-acceptance. If he can’t get over a teenage diary entry, it’s doubtful that your relationship will survive the much more serious challenges that will come up in your lives.
He will use this forever now as a stick to beat you with to command the narrative of your relationship. That is not love or respect, but control and manipulation.
You accepted his actions that night by pandering to his ego, letting him win in essence. This will now gradually escalate as he has overcome the first hurdle.
People like him gravitate towards others like yourself because you find confrontation very hard.