I’m a (23F) and my older sister is a (31F). We’ve been sisters our entire lives, obviously, and we were very close when I was younger. We’re still “close” now in the sense that we talk and spend time together, but something has changed for me emotionally.
Since my late teens, I’ve noticed growing resentment and irritation toward her that I don’t fully understand and don’t like. It’s not about one big event. It comes from a pattern of small things over the years, comments about my appearance (sometimes in public), shutting down things I said, stepping in with a “let me do it” attitude, or frequent small criticisms. None of it was extreme, but it added up over time.
There was also a family dynamic where my dad seemed to acknowledge and interact with her more openly, which made me feel compared or less seen. My sister has said our mom favors me, but emotionally I often feel like my relationships in my family are shallow or surface-level, even when people are being “nice.”
I don’t think my sister intended to hurt me, and I don’t want distance or no contact. I genuinely want to work through this internally because the resentment isn’t benefiting me. Right now, I sometimes feel irritated just being around her, and I hate that because I want to feel close to her without feeling small or defensive.
My specific question:
How do you work through resentment toward an older sibling when you want to stay close and not feel irritated around them? Are there ways to regulate your reactions, reframe the dynamic, or communicate without making things worse?
**TL;DR;** : I’m a younger sister who’s developed resentment toward my older sister over years of small criticisms and family comparisons. I don’t want distance or no contact—I want to work through the resentment so I can feel calmer, less irritated, and closer to her. Looking for advice on how to heal this internally and improve the dynamic.