Update: I’m currently still living at my parents’ house to save money, and my girlfriend stays over fairly often. We recently got a new pet, and sometimes my father steps in to help train her or makes decisions about how things should be done. I personally don’t mind, but my girlfriend feels that he can come across as controlling and that it prevents us from learning from our own mistakes. I think this makes her feel smaller and less independent, which also seems connected to her past experiences.
I can see both sides of this, but to me it feels like a relatively small issue and probably not the deeper problem. In addition, my father has a very particular sense of humor, and the way he jokes with my mom (50F) can sometimes come across as surprising or a bit uncomfortable to her as well.
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Without going into too much detail, my girlfriend has some past trauma related to parental figures — not her actual parents, but someone who was briefly in her life and caused a lot of emotional harm.
Lately, I feel like there’s a lot of built-up anger on her side, and whenever my dad does something small, it immediately makes her upset. I should mention that there was one incident where my dad told my girlfriend to “shut up” (or to stay out of it) while she was stepping into an argument between him and me. Ever since then, it feels like even minor things he does trigger a much stronger reaction from her.
Before that argument, she would still get annoyed with him at times, but it didn’t feel nearly as bad as it does now.
I also don’t always get along with my dad the way I wish I did. His personality and the way he acts can really get on my nerves, and I find him frustrating at times. Even so, I really want my dad and my girlfriend to get along. Right now, though, it feels almost impossible, especially because I understand where both of them are coming from.
I’ve tried talking to both my girlfriend and my dad about this. When I talk to my girlfriend, it usually turns into an argument. Talking to my dad is complicated too, because I don’t want to hurt his feelings — even though I can recognize that some of his behavior can be pretty annoying.
My girlfriend has told me that part of my dad’s behavior reminds her of someone from her past. I know a little about what she went through, and I try to be respectful of her trauma. At the same time, I often feel like I end up backing down completely because of it.
I genuinely don’t know how to help improve the relationship between them, or what I should be doing to guide things in a better direction. Having them get along is really important to me.
I also want to add that when my girlfriend does get upset with my dad, it’s usually very visible. She isn’t very vocal about it, but you can clearly see it in her behavior and body language.
We’ve been together for almost four years now.
TL;DR My father and my GF don't get along and I wish they could. Its causing a lot of tension and I'm not fully sure how to solve it.