TL;DR A post about me asking for advice on how I should handle my current relationship.
I’m 25 F looking for outside perspective because I feel genuinely torn and don’t fully trust my own instincts here.
I’m dating a guy 36 M for 6 months, who is, on paper, very good to me. He’s attentive, generous, thoughtful, emotionally intelligent, and clearly invested. He communicates openly, reflects on his own behavior, and I’ve consistently felt safe being honest with him. I drive 60 miles to pick me up and bring me back to his place, hosts me well when I’m there, takes me to nice dinners (something he wasn’t used to but does because he knows I like it), loves my dog, and got me really meaningful Christmas and birthday gifts that showed he truly listens. I don’t think I’ve ever felt this seen by someone before.
That said, I feel overwhelmed in ways I haven’t felt with other men, and I can’t ignore it.
Early on, we were sexually intimate, but over time I’ve found myself pulling back physically and sexually. The more serious and intense things feel, the more my body seems to retract rather than open up, even though emotionally I care about him.
He wants a lot of physical closeness. When we cuddle, he’s constantly shifting to find the “perfect spot,” which makes me feel tense instead of relaxed. When I’m stressed from work and clearly say I need space — not hugs or kisses — he struggles to accept that and will say that science shows physical touch helps stress. I understand his intention, but it still feels like my boundary isn’t being respected.
There are also a few things that have created apprehension for me. I want to be clear that I’ve brought all of these up with him directly, and we’ve talked them through openly:
• Sometimes it feels like he adjusts what he says he wants (marriage, kids, etc.) to align with what I want.
• He’s a recovering alcoholic (8 years sober), very active in AA, and openly says he has an addictive personality.
• He’s made multiple “gay jokes” that raised red flags for me. I addressed it, but he made another one after that conversation.
• He got oddly bothered that I didn’t put tissue paper in his Christmas gift.
• He’ll say things like “we’ll get you new nails,” but hasn’t actually offered to take me or followed through.
• He sometimes makes “jokes” like if he hears a car pass by while we’re on the phone, he’ll say “that’s someone I sent to check on you,” or “I’m going to buy a house in this neighborhood to stay close.” I usually understand his sense of humor, but sometimes I wonder if these comments should make me uncomfortable.
He’s extremely introspective and very focused on our dynamic. He often talks about attachment styles (me being more avoidant, him more anxious), seeks reassurance with questions like “Did you like how I scratched your back?” or “Did you like how I opened the door?”, and mentions conversations he has about me with his mentor, friends, or people from AA. Sometimes it feels like our relationship is being constantly analyzed or processed externally.
What adds to my confusion is the pace and seriousness. He’s already met my mom and was very engaged with her. His mom wants to meet me when she visits in a month.
Emotionally, we connect extremely well. I can talk to him for hours. He feels like a best friend, and one of the biggest green flags is that I’ve always felt I can be completely open and honest with him without fear. I admire his emotional awareness and the effort he puts into growth. But physically and instinctively, my body feels resistant — tense, overwhelmed, and almost like it’s pulling away on its own.
I’m trying to understand:
• Is this an anxious/avoidant attachment mismatch?
• Is my body reacting to pressure and escalation rather than lack of care?
• Or am I self-sabotaging something stable, emotionally intelligent, and loving?
I don’t want to hurt him, but I also don’t want to ignore what my body seems to be telling me. Any thoughtful insight would really help. No